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Some advice please

(24 Posts)
TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums Wed 12-Oct-11 19:28:02

DP and I moved back in together in May (1 year waiting to be housed following his redundancy and both living with respective parents, DCs with me) and having added up the bills and food costs I asked him to pay for half. He moaned for a bit and agreed. We have DSD every other weekend and I took into account extra food costs etc.
I didn't factor in clothes and other expenses for the DC's and have never asked him to buy any of it.
He works full time from 6am and gets home about 6pm (1.5 hour commute)
I don't work, I'm doing my OU course and looked into part time but DP won't look after the children evenings or weekends.

The main problem is that if I run out of money and have to ask him to put £5 on the gas meter or something then he gets really shirty with me. He'll say oh well I give you money (£165 a month) what does it go on?
I buy DSD clothes when she needs them, the bills, lunchbox food, toiletries, food, nappies etc on the money he gives me and the tax credits.

I asked him what was happening with christmas presents as I couldn't afford a great deal and his response was 'oh I expect I'll end up buying them but it would be nice if you would contribute something'
I have no problem with this but it seems that he is completely taking the piss. I spend all day cleaning, looking after the kids, making his meals for work the next day. I spend all evening studying and sorting out what I didn't get done during the day.

If he bothers to cook his own food he leaves pots and pans all over the kitchen and fucks off to bed. He then moans at me for not going to bed when he does knowing full well I have to study and this is important to me.

He has looked after DS (2.9) a handful of times for a few hours. He has never looked after DD (16 months). He has never done the bath time or changed DDs nappy. When DSD is here I do her baths, feed her and usually her bedtime.
He undermines my discipline (warning then time out) by just putting DS straight in time our for simple things such as blowing a raspberry. He buys himself supplements for the gym, goes to the gym most evenings yet I haven't had a night to myself in about 2 years. I haven't bought new clothes since my birthday (march) as I can't afford it. Nothing fits, I try and get the kids bits from boot sales and tesco sales as I can't afford to just think oh DD needs trousers I've got a spare £10.

I don't even know why i'm posting here tbh I just don't know if I'm being a whiney over reacting brat or if he is a selfish arsehole. Apologies for the ramble and if you got this far then thank you for reading

neuroticmumof3 Wed 12-Oct-11 19:43:30

He is a supremely selfish arsehole. Why are you with him? Doesn't sound like you or your DC are getting anything positive out of a relationship with him. Is he their father? How old is DSD?

TheOriginalFAB Wed 12-Oct-11 19:47:25

I couldn't be bothered to read all your OP as all I could think is you are living with someone who is a bully, a cheat and tightfisted.

CantBelieveImAskingThis Wed 12-Oct-11 19:50:30

I second the 'supremely selfish arsehole' opinion and it seems to me you'd be financially better off and have more spare time on your hands if you just told him to fuck off.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums Wed 12-Oct-11 19:51:29

DSD is 4.5. He split from her mother when his xp was 6months pregnant (she ended it) and I met him when his DD was 4 months old. I had just come out of a shitty violent relationship, had a termination after the partner I was with at the time tried to choke me and rape me and probably the idea of DP having a baby already was an appeal if that makes sense?
He was against me having our DCs but I couldn't go through a termination again.
Apologies if I'm drip feeding I thought my OP was long enough and this didn't seem relevant when I typed it.
I suppose I'm with him because DS adores him. He spends all day asking when daddy will be home, I'm scared of being alone as I don't want to risk another violent relationship (yes I'm pathetic), I dont really have friends and my family live close by but we are not really that close and I don't want to admit that I've failed.
DP shouts a lot and I try to avoid confrontation which is why I've let it drag on. He has never been violent towards me but its always at the back of my mind that he could be.
I don't want to go through a court battle (DSD lived with us for 2.5 years) and I'm worried he will try and get the kids.
He also has said numerous times he would rather quit his job than pay maintenance

HerScaryness Wed 12-Oct-11 20:02:20

Love, you traded a violent, level 10 abusive arse for a level 4 abusive arse!

Look at the above, see what resonates. From here he's a jailer, a bad dad, king of the castle.... and I'm willing to bet there is more you haven't told us.

Remember that this guy is only going to get worse. He'll get to level 6 or 7 or 8 at some point. At the moment he doesn't need to hit you, the threat that he might is enough. But if you suddenly start to show strength, my guess is that all bets would be off.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums Wed 12-Oct-11 20:05:04

Thank you for the link I'm going to have a look now whilst he's out.
And thank you everyone for the replies I was a bit wary of posting it but I'm relieved in a weird kind of way that it isn't me expecting too much of him.
There probably is more I haven't mentioned but I have a tendency to bury things and only remember at random moments when it's not at all relevant!

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Oct-11 20:17:42

Oh god, you HAVE to leave this man! He's awful, really, really awful.

He gives you £165 per month for everything for the family? All of his bills just cost £165? Are you mad?

Sit back and think about what your life would be there if he was gone. Wouldn't it be lovely? And your son loves him - that's all well and good, but do you REALLY want your partner to be your son's role model?

Please, start now to think of a life without him. He won't get custody. That's ridiculous to think he might. He's a bully and lazy and selfish and greedy. He'd never ever get custody of your children.

buzzskeleton Wed 12-Oct-11 20:17:43

He may be a step up from a violent asshole, but he's still an asshole.

buzzskeleton Wed 12-Oct-11 20:20:00

And as Imperial says, £165 a month? That cannot possibly cover half your household expenses.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums Wed 12-Oct-11 20:23:21

The flat is in my name, I made sure of that, he has parental responsibility but can I go for supervised access on the basis I have never seen him change DD's nappy or dress her etc?
I dont know how to go about getting him to leave. The wimp in me wants to leave him a letter and go hide at my mums for the night.
When he isn't being an arse he can be lovely. He compliments me, tries to support my studying at times and will arrange for his mum to have the DCs from time to time. But then he turns into a cunt and I keep thinking that he might go back to who I first knew and I chicken out of throwing him out.
Sorry I'm rambling. I'm on ADs could this be used against me if he went for custody?

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Oct-11 20:26:46

If ADs could be used against people, nobody would be looking after their own children. For all the court would know, you were on ADs because of his behaviour.

I'm glad he can be nice at times. It's not enough, though, is it?

I wouldn't tell him by letter - you live together and it's only fair you tell him face to face. Having said that, I'd make sure I could have a quick getaway just in case. I wouldn't tell him while the children were there.

Can you tell us how much he brings home, so that we can compare that with how much he pays?

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Oct-11 20:27:32

That £165 kills me. He doesn't even bump it up to £170.

mummytime Wed 12-Oct-11 20:27:56

No your use of ADs can't be used against you, and could be because of him.
Please ring Women's aid or talk to your GP honestly. I really think you need to get counselling to help you get away from him, and make sure you don't fall into a relationship with some other abusive male.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums Wed 12-Oct-11 20:28:17

When we first agreed the money it was £1000 but now he is in his new job (self employed but through a company) it's £2000 before tax and NI contributions.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums Wed 12-Oct-11 20:29:06

It was supposed to be £200 but as the sky tv, phone and Internet bundle comes out of his account he cut the amount

Oh fuck he is an arse

WitchesBrewIsMyFriend Wed 12-Oct-11 20:31:45

Dont leave your home. Get him to go.

He sounds like an arse. You can build a far better life for yourself and your children without him living with you.

NettleTea Wed 12-Oct-11 20:39:05

ADs cannot be used against you in custody, 100%
It would be nice to think that you could rearrange the finances, so that you both had equal 'leftover' money and free time, but your other posts suggest that it might not be likely.
I wouldnt hold too much store on his threat that he would rather not work than pay maintanance - probably designed to keep you in yopur place - he seems to like his gym and supplements too much to want to give them up - being a single man on the dole wouldnt support the lifestyle he has got now, only having to pay up £40 a week for house, lodgings, washing, and free childcare.
Can you get to speak to CAB or check out one of those 'entitled to' websites - as a student parent you may find that there are other funds you can access, although not sure if OU counts? Anyway, your name is on the house and you would be set to gain if he went - he actually has a lot to lose, but probably doesnt reckon on you realising that you certainly hold the stronger position, even if you dont feel that way yet.
You may find that MIL is still keen to help out, although possibly not initially, I am sure she loves her GC. As for him not wanting kids, well, to quote JKyle 'he should have put something on the end of it' or got the snip if he was adamant.
And well done you for studying.

buzzskeleton Wed 12-Oct-11 20:42:11

Oh fuck he is an arse.

Yes, he really is. He is ripping you off and he's lazy & nasty.

Thank goodness your home is in your name.

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Oct-11 20:46:13

So what will he be taking home - £1400 or so? And he's giving you £165?


TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums Wed 12-Oct-11 20:52:07

I have just worked out the food, bills etc and it's about £700 a month so he is royally fucking me over.
I'm not brilliant with money so he uses that excuse as to why I never have any.

thefirstMrsDeVeerie Wed 12-Oct-11 20:52:55

What do you get out of this relationship?
'he wont look after DCs evenings or weekends'
He keeps you dependant on him and then refuses to give you money to pay for joint expenses.

He has the perks of a relationship without any of the responsiblities.
You have the opposite.

I know it is never easy but really - why stay with him?

The children can still adore him and have a mum who isnt being treated like crap.

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Oct-11 20:55:13

That's disgraceful, OP. I would tell him to get out. He can clearly afford to pay for somewhere to live if he's been freeloading off you for so long.

I wouldn't hold my breath for maintenance, though I think he'll find it hard to manage on the dole when he's been used to about £1200+ per month spending money. I'm not sure whether he could sign on immediately if he's left his job voluntarily (especially if you contact the Job Centre and tell them that's why he left.)

AttillaTheMum Wed 12-Oct-11 22:30:58

I don't know what to put i am shock
what a horrible man

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