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Telling a white lie to get out of attending a wedding

(33 Posts)
Onemorning Wed 12-Oct-11 17:06:30

My closest friend killed herself some years ago. Her fiance is a lovely man, and we kept in touch for a while. He and his next GF (who is more compatiable with him than my friend ever was) came to our wedding reception a few years ago.

My dilemma is this: they are getting married soon, and we have been invited to their wedding reception. I said yes, however the closer it gets the more I realise that I, while I am happy for them, I am sad about my friend and don't think I can face it.

Do you think it would be acceptable for me to tell a white lie and not attend, rather than turn up and possibly burst into tears? I don't want to tell them why I'm feeling sad because I don't want anything to spoil their day.

HerScaryness Wed 12-Oct-11 17:13:20

Hmm, how close IS this wedding?

wineandcheese Wed 12-Oct-11 17:18:19

Do you think you could email / write to him and say exactly what you said here? I think he would appreciate that more than a (possibly see-through) excuse, esp. if you have already accepted the invitation.

buzzskeleton Wed 12-Oct-11 17:20:25

If they're having lots of people at the reception, the chances are that if you did need a weep, you could scuttle off to the loo without being noticed - they'll be much occupied and have their attention elsewhere. And you wouldn't need to explain why you were upset anyway: "I always cry at weddings" would do smile.

I can understand you not wanting to go after all, however, but if it's soon and a sit-down type reception, then it's a bit rude not to. However, it doesn't sound like you're that close friends, so maybe ducking out won't be a big deal.

izzywhizzysfritenite Wed 12-Oct-11 17:33:56

Difficult, isn't it?

In these circumstances a white lie is preferable to you not being able to fully celebrate their union, but I'm wondering if you could view your attendance as standing in for your friend and gving her blessing as well as your own to her former fiance's marriage?

As buzz has said, tears are a given at weddings and if you shed any no-one will view them as being anything out of the ordinary unless you tell others why youre sobbing.

TrenteSix Wed 12-Oct-11 17:35:35

In this situation I wouldn't want to tell him anything about my feelings - let him have his day. He'll be thinking of her in his own way, regardless.

I'd come down with a vomiting bug the night before and send my excuses. smile

Onemorning Wed 12-Oct-11 17:48:07

The wedding is this weekend. They were planning their wedding when she died, which is why it's so hard. I'm finding this way more painful than I ever thought I would, otherwise I wouldn't have accepted the invitation in the first place.

Trente, it has occurred to me that he will be thinking of her too.

WishIwereAtTheWiesnProst Wed 12-Oct-11 17:51:24

I'd lie personally

whomovedmychocolate Wed 12-Oct-11 17:51:37

You should go. Because it will exorcise the demons that are haunting you. This is a new beginning for him. You like him. You may not be ready to say goodbye to your friend, but he is and frankly, if he can eek some joy out of this life after having lost his fiancee, who are you to argue? smile

And blub away. If you need to step out, do so. But be genuinely happy. I doubt your friend would have wanted him to be unhappily alone for ever. Even if she couldn't be happy in life, she would have had the compassion to want him to be.

Onemorning Wed 12-Oct-11 17:55:11

I don't want to sound like I begrudge him because I am genuinely happy for him. I would never have wanted him to stay single, that would have made her death even more tragic IYSWIM.

buzzskeleton Wed 12-Oct-11 17:56:01

I think it's too close to back out.

whomovedmychocolate Wed 12-Oct-11 18:01:10

Good, so having accepted that, you should go, not only for him but because you honour your friend in going on to experience joys that she missed out on. One of which is seeing people in love being married.

Or you can pull out but you'll have to explain yourself and that will only make both of you sad.

WishIwereAtTheWiesnProst Wed 12-Oct-11 18:02:59

I wonder OP if it's occurred to you and the others on this thread that he might appreciate you not going?

He may have felt obligated to invite you as you have remained friends but on the day of his wedding seeing his former fiancees best friend might be hard for him?

You have no obligation to go people get ill all the time.

Trifle Wed 12-Oct-11 18:05:04

I think it's appalling form to think about backing out now. I mean, table plans have been done, food paid for etc. Your friend getting married and your friend dying are two separate issues. Do you begrudge your friend celebrating Christmas, birthdays etc ? He cant be beholden forever for the tragedy that happened previously. He has moved on and is celebrating the fact that he still has a life and new partner. For a minute I dont doubt he hasnt forgotten his previous love. You cant expect him to wallow in misery for the sake of upsetting her memory. You should go and enjoy the day for what it is, it doesnt take away from what happened before, if anything it emphasises the fact that he is now in a much better place. Be thankful for that.

whomovedmychocolate Wed 12-Oct-11 18:05:20

But to give you another point of view. I'm the new woman. DH's first wife died (from cancer) and at the wedding I know that 60% of the people there were still grieving her and it was really bloody hard for me thinking I was being compared (and unfavourably). Because you can't ever compete against someone who has died because suddenly their flaws are all brushed away among those left behind.

Look if you don't want to go, don't. But if you aren't going to at least tell him why. He will understand.

fairimum Wed 12-Oct-11 18:06:06

can you go for say an hour?

WishIwereAtTheWiesnProst Wed 12-Oct-11 18:09:11

I think telling him the truth before the wedding would be rude and would only sere in absolving the guilt the Op feels. It can only upset her friend. Why not tell him afterwards if she feels she needs to? I would just say I was ill, I don't even remeber my wedding tbh with feeling all out of it on the day and it was very small. The groom will barely miss her.

izzywhizzysfritenite Wed 12-Oct-11 18:10:32

You were invited to their wedding for a reason and it would be churlish not to attend.

Go - and (mentally) give him and his new wife your friend's blessing as well as your own, otherwise I fear that you will add to any existing regrets you may have if you tell a lie at this late date.

Trifle Wed 12-Oct-11 18:14:19

Go for an hour !!!!! Dont be ridiculous, how unbelievably rude.

MamaChoo Wed 12-Oct-11 18:17:20

To be honest, i would recommend - and this is always my advice for wedding guests- to avoid doing anything that might LOOK or be CONSTRUED as making someone else's day 'all about you'. As you have accepted, take a deep breath, a slug of champagne, stick a huge grin on your face and do your best to make your friend and the groom proud. He - and some of the other guests - will know what you are going through. And crying is totally acceptable at the wedding (you know, unless its on the bride's shoulder, going, 'It should have been her!'

WishIwereAtTheWiesnProst Wed 12-Oct-11 18:28:03

I really wouldn' have wanted anyone in my wedding who was going to be saddened by being there confused

heleninahandcart Wed 12-Oct-11 19:52:28

Go. Your friend will certainly not be forgotten, quite the opposite I would have thought. She will be in your mind, and definitely in the mind of the groom in this new phase of his life. Yes it will bring up painful memories but a bit if discreet crying at a wedding is standard. If you do decide you can't go, please just tell the groom directly that you are genuinely happy for him but have had a wobble. He will understand. Then, if you do change your mind I'm sure he will be delighted to see you.

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Oct-11 20:23:20

I'd go. If you get the chance, say to the groom, "You know how much I loved X and how much I miss her. I'm so glad you've met Bride, though. You and she are so well suited and it's clear how much you love each other. I know you'll be really happy together."

Onemorning Wed 12-Oct-11 21:21:16

Thanks everyone for your comments. I've been thinking about this since I posted (been out for a meal with DH and MIL) and know that I'm not sad about the wedding, I'm sad that my friend is still dead. Milestones of any kind are still difficult, despite the years that have passed.

Chocolate, I'm sorry to hear what you went through. I will (as far as I know) be the only person at the wedding who was part of his 'old' life, and I'm not judging his bride against my friend. WishIwere, it has occurred to me that I'm merely a 'duty invite', but there's nothing I can do about that if it is.

I will go, and I like what you said Blether. They fit together in a way he and my friend didn't, and I know that she has helped him through his own grief.

izzywhizzysfritenite Wed 12-Oct-11 21:28:01

In your case, if you are a 'duty invite' (which very much doubt) it shows the love and affection that the groom and his bride have for you and for your friend.

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