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always reluctant to have sex.

(26 Posts)
ToothlessHag Wed 12-Oct-11 15:24:22

I'm in my mid 20's, married with 2 dc. I love my DH so much, but find it really difficult to want to have sex. My sex drive has always been rather low, only time it was high was when I was heavily pregnant with DD and had spd (go figure). I have low self esteem, and if we do have sex its only in the same boring position. I can see DH is disappointed, but doesn't say anything. after we do have sex i always feel down.

I want to feel sexy, I want to have fun, exciting sex with my DH, I want to at least be normal in this respect. Theres no physical reason for all of this, its purely mentally that I seem to have this barrier.

My DH has a healthy average sex drive, but at the moment I feel like he is just grateful if i kiss him, never mind anything else. He's the same age as me and I feel like im condemning him to a celibate life. I don't want this for him, I don't want this for me.

How do I stop being so damn frigid and basically have a healthy sex life with my DH. It's the only problem we have, everything else is pretty damn perfect.

mumsamilitant Wed 12-Oct-11 15:33:12

Question time (smile)

Are you on AD's?

What type of contraception are you on?

Both of these can have an effect on your libido.

ToothlessHag Wed 12-Oct-11 15:35:14

was on ad since my DS was born, came off them 2 years ago. I have the implant now. This is a problem we've had for about 4 1/2 years. So been on different contraceptions and no contraception on and off during that time period

fluffyanimal Wed 12-Oct-11 15:36:44

More questions smile
Do you get time to yourself? Do you get to go out with your girlfriends, do a hobby, an exercise class, go windowshopping? It's hard to feel sexy when you lose your sense of self being a wife and mum. Maybe you need to rediscover who you are, fall in love with yourself a bit. this will rub off on how you feel with your DH.

mumsamilitant Wed 12-Oct-11 15:39:05

Ok so doesn't sound down to that then.

Im sure youve tried the other stuff, ie. date night's etc.

Got any worries?

Have you been to the doctors?

Personally I go on and off sex (sometimes don't want it for a couple of months] this is normal for me though.

ToothlessHag Wed 12-Oct-11 15:41:38

I do, Dh pampers me utterly, if he's home early/off i go have a hot bath for an hour and chill out, i get lie ins, little treats sometimes. His mum takes both DC for a morning a week. So i am absolutely spoilt rotten in this respect. I have a social life, not a massive one but I see my friends as much as I need to. I think my problem is I don't feel I'm much of a wife. Yes, I cook and clean, but I am selfish when it comes to the intimacy.

ToothlessHag Wed 12-Oct-11 15:44:18

We do date nights. I have anxiety problems, very big anxiety problems. Have a mild panic attack pretty much every night, but not affecting me an awful lot in what we're discussing. I did consider it might be some issues relating to previous relationship but I don't know. He loves me, he tells me how sexy I am every day, but I don't live up to his words. I don't believe him when he tells me that and brush him off.

EightiesChick Wed 12-Oct-11 15:46:07

Have you thought about going to counselling to talk about these feelings of low self esteem? Or have you done this in the past?

mumsamilitant Wed 12-Oct-11 15:46:20

You beat me to it fluffy, they were going to be my next ones grin

DuelingFanjo Wed 12-Oct-11 15:47:52

I think Frigid is the wrong word.

I think you are writing like some men do when they come onto mumsnet for advice.

You say the sex is always the same, do you want it to be different?

countingto10 Wed 12-Oct-11 15:48:53

I think sex is one of those sorts of things where the more you have, the more you want it and the less you have, the less you want it. Sometimes I don't feel "up for it" but I make myself because more often than not I then "get in the mood".

It is very hard when you have got young DCs etc but now our youngest is at school, I have found my libido has risen - it also helps if I have a nice, tidy house and have been out having lots of me time smile.

Try and think yourself in the mood, think sexy thoughts, put some makeup on etc.

Good luck - if all else fails go and see a counsellor that specialises in sex issues here

solidgoldbrass Wed 12-Oct-11 15:48:54

If you have always had a fairly low sex drive, it may just be that this is who you are, a person with a fairly low libido. Were you brought up to believe that sex is an enjoyable part of life, or was it a matter of Save It For The Wedding Night and Nice Girls Don't? Even if you know intellectually that this is rubbish, it may have lingered on in your subconscious.

Have you had other sexual partners in the past ie before you met your H? If not, it could be that your H is not much cop in bed (being good at giving a partner pleasure is not instinctive) and if all you get is a tweak of your tits and five minutes PIV then it's not that surprising you are not all that interested.
If you did have other partners before your H, were you more interested in sex with any of them?

It isn't necessarily a problem to have a low libido if your partner is OK with the situation and doesn't have a very high one either.
However one way to improve things might be to read some erotic fiction for ideas (visual porn ie DVDs is not the best place to start even if you don't have ideological objections to it). Try Xcite for a good selection of anthologies and see what interests you.
Best of luck.

mumsamilitant Wed 12-Oct-11 15:49:16

Oh dear toothless, yes, maybe a spot of coucilling would help (I had about 10 sessions once and it was the best thing I ever did).

countingto10 Wed 12-Oct-11 15:51:16

Sorry x posted - I think you could do with some counselling to help with the anxiety levels and self esteem - why the panic attacks in the eveining, at that time of day ?

ToothlessHag Wed 12-Oct-11 16:02:56

Sorry for the delay in posting, was feeding DD. Yes, maybe councilling would be the way to go. DH is my 2nd partner. My first was my high school sweetheart. He broke up with me, then when I ended up moving to the same town as him we ended up as umm, friends with benefits. After sex, he would tell me about the girl he was in love with, or who he had hooked up with. I was very young, very stupid and thought if i kept sleeping with him he would want me back. I obviously didnt value myself or my dignity whatsoever. DH treats me like a queen.

My mother and Grandmother are very fundamentalist christian. Sex was a not before marriage type of deal, yet my mother would tell me all about what she did with my dad sad

My DH is actually good in bed, I had my first orgasm with him, he is loving, kind, gentle. He's just perfect

Sorry if frigid was the wrong word, its how i feel though. It's always "not tonight dear, im too tired/have a headache/excuse"

I want it to be different yes, but i'm too (cant think of the word) blah about sex in general when it comes to "bedtime" so usually just try and make it as quick as possible

God I'm horrible, and i feel a little bit broken

mumsamilitant Wed 12-Oct-11 16:10:15

Your DH sounds lovely Toothless.

I can see a few issues here that could do with sorting out regarding your mindset over sex. Why not discuss the possibility of councilling with your DS?

Don't worry, I'm sure it can be sorted smile

mumsamilitant Wed 12-Oct-11 16:11:05

DS what a HUGE oops! DH of course [embarrased]

Finallygotaroundtoit Wed 12-Oct-11 16:12:23

Second the counselling - think some of your issues run deep.
How inappropriate of your DM sad

mumsamilitant Wed 12-Oct-11 16:12:34

[embarrassed] even, sorry, tired today.

ToothlessHag Wed 12-Oct-11 16:43:57

yep, my dm. more issues there i'm afraid. Will speak to DH tonight re: councilling. He is, i'm very lucky to have him.

countingto10 Wed 12-Oct-11 16:51:43

My DH is having counselling atm and we both had joint counselling when our marriage went through an extremely rocky patch a couple of years ago (we used Relate and he now sees our therapist privately as she knew our background) - can't recommend it enough. Most things go back to childhood and sex hmm -DH particulary screwed up by his very dysfunctional family .....

ToothlessHag Wed 12-Oct-11 17:04:34

both my dh and i know that this is all somehow psychologically linked to my past. I just don't know if I want to dig it all up sad I will if it helps though.

Will look into relate. Im glad things got sorted for you countingto10

countingto10 Wed 12-Oct-11 17:08:01

Trouble is Toothless, if you don't deal with it now, it will come back and bite you in the bum big time some years down the line (thinking midlife here) as it did my DH who in effect, had a breakdown.

solidgoldbrass Wed 12-Oct-11 17:28:05

Yup, definitely time for counselling. Your wretched mother messed up your attitude towards sex and while you can fix this, it is best done with the help of a counsellor. Best of luck.

stayforappledunking Wed 12-Oct-11 17:36:16

Toothless, you sound depressed to me. You have very low self esteem, your posts are full of put downs of yourself and you have the anxiety which is depressing in itself. I would go and see your gp, talk over whats going on, decide together whats the best route for you to take.

On another note, how confident do you feel in the bedroom? Judging by your low self esteem, do you maybe stick to what you know because its most comfortable? Too worried to try new things incase you feel you might make a fool of yourself? Basically is there anything that specifically stops you trying new things when you are in the mood?

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