Husband wants to leave me; advice needed

[forsooth]

DH announced he wants to live separately. None else involved, but we row like crazy and he can't bear it anymore. We have one DD age 7. He wants 50 50 childcare and a 50 50 split of the savings/sale of house. No divorce yet; just a split of assets and live separately. But...at the mo he doesn't do 50% of the childcare, does about 20%. I don't want him to have our DD 50% of the time. And even if time-wise he had her 50% of the time I would still end up doing more than him as he doesn't get involved with the school, doesn't take her to the hospital appts(she has ongoing health issues)And I came to the marriage with four times what he has in terms of savings/assets, so 50 50 doesn't seem fair. We've been married 6 years. My health has also declined rapidly in that time so my earning potential is far lower than his and far lower than it was when I met him, so I would never be able to build up the assets I had when I met him again. If we split 50 50 now I end up with far less than I had when I met him. I thought of suggesting we go thirds, a third to him, a third to me and a third in an account to use for DD or to use if either of us are in dire straits. I imagine that'll be me as I will be looking after DD mostly so won't be able to work as much as him, I'll also be ill off an on with my ongoing condition so will not be able to work as much as him. I'm scared of the future though I'm looking froward to having him out of the way. He drives me mad.
Any suggestions as to how to split assets and childcare?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Get some professional advice - CAB offers free legal advice and also some solicitors' first consultations are free. I am sure that you are entitled to much more given that you do the bulk of childcare.

Are you sure he does not have OW? It is very unusual for a man to leave an established marriage.

When did the rows start? I ask because if there is OW, often you can go back to when these first started and that would be when your H first met OW.

[izzywhizzysfritenite]

What you do you row about?

If you were to divorce, given what you've said, what your not-so dh is proposing would be unlikely to satisfy a Court and where will you and dd live if your home is sold?

You can use google to find out what you may be entitled to in the event of divorce/legal separation, but you're best advised to find a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law.

Please don't pick a solicitor from the yellow pages; ask friends/relatives for specific recommendations or state the county that you live in here as other mumsnetters may be able to make personal recommendations.

[GypsyMoth]

50/50 is becoming more popular with the courts, so in absence of welfare issues, he stands a reasonable chance of getting it. He may well use your deteriorating health to strengthen his case.

[cestlavielife]

the on third account thing wont work. you need to split it properlybut you need a soliticitor and good advice and all this willt ake a lot fo time to sort out.

how much equity is in hosue how likely is it to sell quick -all those things

in meantime pracitcalyy speaking - who will move out
who will pay mortage
who will pay the one who has moved out's rent?


starting from 50/50 care -why not? may make him step up to the plate...

[HappyJoy]

he is entitled to 50% child access, as the child is 50% his. As to the other stuff, I would suggest seeing a solicitor

[ScarahStratton]

I settled for 50/50. TBH it was far more important to me that everything was kept amicable for the DDs. It's been very difficult, I won't lie, and a few on here will remember the shit I went through back in August. But, even though we are divorced, the DDs have a good working model of how to have a working, amicable relationship. They can see that it is perfectly possible, and more importantly to me, they are happy and know that I have been fair.

Put your DCs feelings and well being first.

[AnyPhantomFucker]

whoa !

slow down

take professional advice and take it from there

[buzzskeleton]

Get proper legal advice, don't be rushed into agreeing anything, not even in principle, before you know what's what.

He seems in a mighty hurry and what he wants sounds unfair on you. Wouldn't be surprised if there's an OW.

[forsooth]

Ok thanks for responses. Will just go pop DD in bed then come back to tell more/respond to posts etc.

[forsooth]

Why do you think the dividing the money into thirds thing wouldn't work as an interim arrangement until we decide if we want to divorce?

[forsooth]

There isn't another woman

[forsooth]

Lawyers I've spoken to have said they can advise me how it would work should we divorce but if we're not divorcing it's just a personal agreement between the two of us. Even if we asked lawyers to draw up a separation agreement now there would be nothing to stop either of us changing it or going for more money if and when we divorce.

[MangoMonster]

I think you should see a Solicitor and get your legal rights made clear to you. I'm not sure you can save your marriage if he has already decided but of course you can suggest counselling.

[MangoMonster]

I wouldn't just separate and split stuff. If you're going to split stuff, especially assets, I would divorce him for sure.

[forsooth]

I've had an hours free legal advice. then a chat with another solicitor by phone.
Me and DD will stay in the house till it sells; he'll move out. I'll cover the mortgage; he'll cover his rent.
At present he doesn't do even 20% of childcare. TBH I'm fine with that. DD is at school so I'm free to do my work etc.

[forsooth]

Why do you say divorce him now Mango?

[lemonstartree]

why on earth would you NOT divorce and get things sorted out legally?

[forsooth]

Using lawyers sounds VERY expensive. We are seeing a counsellor who's heloing us talk all this through. Hope we can avoid tons of leagl costs by coming to an agreement.

[forsooth]

I don't know Leon; I guess we think it might be better once we're not in each others hair..

[forsooth]

it will take a LONG time for the house to sell..

[MangoMonster]

As I see it... If you're splitting up and he wants 50:50 of assets which arent his, you said you brought more to the partnership... It's best to do it legally and all above board to get it done properly and finalised... So that no changes can be made. Otherwise it could drag on and on and cause you all untold grief. Just my opinion though.

[forsooth]

Can courts make him pay me some of his future earnigns as maintenance seeing as I can't work much and he can (healthwise)

[MangoMonster]

You said 50 50 doesn't seem fair, you need legal help to get that straight or you could find it an ongoing issue.

[MangoMonster]

Seriously I know it's expensive but it's probably in your best interests, see if you can get some advice from relate or citizens bureau.