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Who is being out of order here??

(14 Posts)
Homelybird Wed 12-Oct-11 14:45:12

Aibu. I have posted before under a different username about my dp ANC how my he goes out. He goes out 3 nights a week (I work 3 of the other nights) and on a sat often goes to football. We arranged a week annual leave together commencing 17th oct. Dd is one on the weekend of that week. I have nothing planned but thought I could invite dp family over on the fri, go to my mums on the sat see my fam my mum will do somesort of cake and etc and piton nibbles sort of thing. Then let friends come round on sun none of this is set in stone of course and just kinda wanted a birthday weekend for her but nothing costly. Anyhow dp knew this but has now arranged to see his friend in a boxing match and us going to stay there all day all evening on the Sunday, he doesn't even know the guy well but a couple of his good friends are going. I was quite annoyed and upset when he told mehe bought a ticket. He said well nothing is set in stone for dd birthday and he is right it wasn't and Sunday isn't her actual birthday. I still felt really annoyed and he got annoyed with me about making him feel guilty about going he said 'fine I won't bother going then!!!' and I stupidly replied as normal 'oh sorry go then I am being silly about it' as that is how I feel at the time.

I spoke to my mum earlier she cannot do the party thing at hers now because she has to help move her office. She asked if we could do it on Sunday at hers and I had to say no because of dp being at said boxing match. But now it's caused another row because I feel so angry that he lives like a single man with added benefit of children. Having said that when I talk to him about it he always makes me feel like I am the most pathetic silly person for getting annoyed.

So come on people tell me am I being stupid pathetic and a nag for always moaning at him forgoing out, and especially one dd first birthday weekend. Or am I being reasonable in thinking he needs to start saying no to things and think of us and our girls first.

I really have lost all perspective after having the same old argument for the last 3 years!!

Homelybird Wed 12-Oct-11 14:49:59

Sorry for all the errors I wrote it on my iPhone and it autocorrected. Should have proof read blush

MangoMonster Wed 12-Oct-11 15:01:46

I'd be upset too seeing as it's her birthday. He could have checked with you before buying the ticket.

PopcornMouse Wed 12-Oct-11 15:04:47

He is BU - no, nothing was set in stone, but it doesn't take a genius to think you might want to celebrate DD birthday, does it? I'd say sod it and stick to your plan. He can either attend, or not - his choice (I'd be fuming btw). DD won't particularly notice or remember, but he will feel (and look) like a prize d!ck.

Homelybird Wed 12-Oct-11 16:34:16

Thanks for replies, it's reassuring to read others would be annoyed too. I know this sounds awful. But I hate the thought of my family hating him or disliking him. I already make up crap excuses when he is not around for example oh he is at a really important pool match he can't let the team down or he has to go to band practice three times this week because they have a gig next year!! the same kinda shit he comes out with, with me, so my mum wont worry about us.

If I dare to be annoyed or ask him not to go (which I have only done a handful of times) he makes me feel like I am so demanding and pathetic.

When things like this blow up which is more often than not I really feel like just throwing my hands up and saying fuck it we are over I have had enough. Just find it hard to say goodbye to 11 years of being with him. since we have had children I have made all the sacrifices and I don't mind but I begrudge the fact he has made none!!! I have lost myself along the way somewhere sad

buzzskeleton Wed 12-Oct-11 16:52:34

Oh dear. I think you should stop dropping your plans and covering for him.
Do the party thing with your mum on the Sunday. Start doing what you want to do.

And stop feeling bad about asking him to include family and relationship stuff into his merry social whirl.

FiniteIncantatem Wed 12-Oct-11 16:57:15

If you're needing to cover for him to your family, then surely there is a problem. Generally we only cover up for things that we know are wrong and to be honest, they can probably see through your excuses anyway. I bet if you started being honest about him thaty would probably say "We know but didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable by saying something"

pink4ever Wed 12-Oct-11 16:57:42

Well its entirely up to you of you want to carry on playing the martyr. Personally it would drive me insane. Just tell your dp straight that you are not happy with him buggering off with mates on your dd birthday weekend. You made plans and they should include him as her father. If he moans and says oh I wont go then,smile sweetly,say thank you I knew you would see sense and leave it at that.

Do not let him turn it around on you-going out 3/4 nights a week is simply not when your a father-time for him to man up.

FiniteIncantatem Wed 12-Oct-11 17:01:01

Sorry, hit 'post' too soon. I would carry on without him to be honest, plan her party to best suit you and he either comes or misses out. I suspect he's as selfish as he is, because you allow him to be by rearranging your plans and covering up for him.

nickelbabe Wed 12-Oct-11 17:06:31

definitely do the party thing with your mum on Sunday.
He should have asked if the plans for the birthday weekend were definite before buying a ticket.
He should also have thoguht about your DD before himself.

nickelbabe Wed 12-Oct-11 17:07:38

and yes, don't cover for him - if he can't make something because he has made plans without even considering you, then don't cover for him. tell the truth.

akaemwahahahafrost Wed 12-Oct-11 17:41:56

I had one of these. I did as everyone has suggested, just did our own thing, me and dc, I never let his selfishness get in the way.

We split in the end but I didn't find being on my own with the dc that tough, I was used to it.

If you do this he will either start feeling left out and buck up a bit or you will probably drift further apart and you will find yourself disengaging as he continues to make even less effort than he does now. Do the party with your mum on Sunday, tell your family what a selfish twat he is. You can't keep this relationship going on your own while he does his own thing, I know this from extensive experience.

purplebridgett Thu 13-Oct-11 12:20:47

I agree with pink4ever - three or four nights out a week is too much when you're a father of small children. And his relationship with your family is his responsibility not yours - if he does stupid things and they, understandably, conclude he's stupid he's only got himself to blame. And there should be no comparison between a boxing match and your child's first birthday celebrations even if they're not on her actual birthday - he's got his priorities all wrong. Hold the party and don't cover for him if he decides not to show!

ColdToast Thu 13-Oct-11 12:38:22

He sounds incredibly self-centred.

If I understand correctly you work 3 nights a week so there are potentially 4 nights left for free time and family time. Rather than sharing that time out, your dp is taking at least 3 of those for himself and sees nothing wrong in doing do every week.

And how nice of him to buy tickets for himself, deciding that you will be available for all child-related duties.

I think you need to start standing up to this selfish little man. If he wants to live like a single man then he should at least have the decency to do so elsewhere. Certainly stop covering for him. Let people see him for what he really is.

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