Feeling sad and ill

[GeordieinExile]

Hello everyone. I am just looking for a place to get some feelings out but would appreciate any words of advice that you might have.

I am feeling in a very low place at the moment, very down and tearful, and at the same time incredibly stressed with stomach churning, I can feel my heart pounding a lot of the time and find it difficult to concentrate.

I have now been on my own with the children for nearly a year but things are not getting easier mainly due to the behaviour of my ex. I am currently involved in a police case against him and I have had to leave my home town and all my friends to get away from him and am now living somewhere where I do not know the place or the people very well, no friends or real support here.

I have a lot of concerns about how the police have handled my case and I am living in fear in case he finds me and the children. He is mates with my step brother and other family and friends back home and I am sure it is only a matter of time before someone lets something slip.

Children are not coping very well, well they are fine on a day to day level but there has been some very extreme behaviour triggered by mention of ex and also they have been involved in the police case by social services and the child protection people. So that has not been at all easy for them. They are so glad to be away from ex but we are terrified he is going to apply for contact and get some form of contact. I don't know how we would cope with that. He has told people he is applying for contact but we have not heard anyting official yet but it is a daily worry that today is the day it will all kick off in that direction too. I feel so worried about the children and like I have let them down adn failed them.

I feel I just have too much on my plate at the moment, with the police case, not being sure whether it will come to court or not and if I will have to give evidence against him in person, working full time, looking after three children, financial and housing worries, no real life support here and I don't know how long I can go on for like this at all. I have had counselling from work but have now come to the end of the free sessions and am not able to afford to go private.

I just want a friend, well actually I want a partner, someone to look after me a bit whilst I am so down. I feel lonely and lost and I am fed up of being strong and carrying on and being brave. I don't feel like that inside but because of the children I just have to get up and carry on each day. I feel like I have actually been on my own for years as he was very emotionallly abusive in the relationship and withheld affecton and sex to punish me. He had several affairs whilst we were together. I feel like I am too young to be living like this, but the way I feel I cannot see how I could ever meet anyone or have anyone be attracted to me but I cannot face up to a life of being on my own. I am a shy person anyway but this has just knocked all the self confidence out of me and I can't seem to do anything to make friends or meet new people not even chat to people outside school.

I do not want to go to the doctors because I actually think that how I'm feeling is a pretty valid response to the situation I find myself in, and I have to work through it somehow not cover it up by taking pills. The question is really how do I get the strength to carry on to the other side?
Sorry, load of old crap there but it is better to have got it out in a way.

[kunahero]

if the police are involved and he has got you 'on the run' then there is no chance any court in the uk would give him contact.

No idea how to stop you felling this way. Time will help and just be really kind to yourself. Focus on the DC, give them the love and security they crave.

Good Luck

[birdofthenorth]

I'm really sorry about your separation and everything that has happened to you.

It might be worth trying Mumsnet Local, netmums or NCT to try to find some other mums near you? It's amazing how a couple of coffees can lead to firm friends and suddenly you have a listening eat when you need it.

Good luck with your police case, hope it concludes without further stress.

Post on MN as often as you need

[birdofthenorth]

Ear, not eat!

[buzzskeleton]

Aw, I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

Are you getting any support or counselling through Victim Support or Women's Aid? The Freedom programme, perhaps?

You really need to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence before anything else (a relationship would be a bad idea, right now, I think). You will feel a bit better once the case is no longer hanging over you, and hopefully he'll never even start any action regarding his ideas (threats?) of access. In the meantime, look at what help you can get and try to talk to people - you need other people to help you create 'normal' instead of being in full retreat. I know it's very easy for me to say, and not so easy to do.

[Selks]

I think you're right that how you are feeling is a valid response to what you've gone through. But there are things that might help with how you are feeling. I would really recommend learning some relaxation techniques. Buy or borrow from the library a relaxation tape, and do 15 minutes of that a day. It will help a lot with your physical tension. So will a bit of exercise - can you get away from the children at all to go swimming once or twice a week? Or better still. take them with you so that they can have fun and relax too, but try to take someone else with you so that you can have a swim.
Don't worry about the future now...the future will take care of it's self. Instead, tune in when you are having negative thoughts about the future and remind yourself that you do not know what the future will bring so there is no point being negative about it. Plus you are still in crisis mode at the moment. You will be more settled in the future and calmer, you will feel attractive again and the chances are someone good will come your way. But now is not the time to be fretting about that. Instead, concentrate on being kind to yourself and helping yourself heal....and same for the children.
Consider some counselling - it can really help. Maybe your local women's centre or domestic violence services might be able to offer something.

[GeordieinExile]

Hey, thank you all so much for your replies. I am going to see a counsellor at the local DV support but they can't fit me in for another six weeks as there is such a demand They are also going to offer some support to the children but I don't know if that is a good idea or not as they are very very reluctant to talk about him and won't even mention his name. Six eeks seems like a long time off and a long time to keep going for.

Kunahero, I so much hope you are right. I have heard all sorts of stories on here with people who have done worst things than he has still being given access, but I am trying not to think about it. Thanks for your support.

Selks, I like the idea of a relaxation or meditaton tape, good thinking. I do quite a bit of walking with the dog(although I have found myself muttering as I stomp along so I don't know how much good it is doing me and certainly isn't improving my image round here).

Thanks for your message Birdofthenroth. Sadly doing something like that seems a long way beyond me at the moment. What I really really want to do is put my fleecy PJs on and never come out of the house ever again. I don't know how I can chat to people on a normal level at the moment as I am so obsessed by all this shit that is going on and I am often very distracted and don't listen to people properly as I can't concentrate. I think at the moment I come across as a bit weird and offputting and I don't think people would want to be frirends with me. I am really selling myself here aren't I!

You are right, Buzz, a relationship now would be a total disaster. I just want to be "in" one, if you know what I mean, about three years into one so I have the support and love there and could just lean on someone for a while. Starting something up with someone would be a really bad idea now but maybe some day.

Thank you all again for your messages.

[seriouschanger]

Georgie I get all them too...sheer anxiety of fear that it is going to happen again...ex will be back again my case attacks on property.

It does take over as it ruins your life as you had to move and start again...it's very hard.

WA do CBT ask them can you be seen to see if you can have it? I am being assessed this week and need it asap as get PTSD symptoms flashback anxieties when I read a case of arson etc..

The freedom programme that was suggest might be good too to help with self esteem.

I think you just feel you need someone their for you at the moment....what about a lodger if you have room or a dog. It is good you are thinking you want to be with someone else one day...as I would never dream of being with anyone else as too scared of it happening again...been single for 8 yrs and still not ready as still going through stuff.

Police I have found useless 95% of the time also....I am sure they don't do anything. But the last one was good...it is the law that sucks really police dont have powers unless they have evidence. It was the atitude of 1-2 of them that put me off though.

I would go to your GP though if WA cant help and ask for CBT/counselling maybe a self defence class would help too? Stay safe whatever you do.

[buzzskeleton]

I think counselling for the children will be a good idea. It might make things worse before they're better, but it's not healthy for them long-term to be keeping it all in. It's a bit like a boil that needs lancing.

I'm so sorry there's such a waiting period for proper help.

[GeordieinExile]

Things are going from bad to worse. Now I have come home today and found a letter from CAFCASS about a court case ex has apparently started to get access to the children including a letter from CAFCASS to the two eldest children to explain to them what is going on. I haven't given them the letters, can't bear to tell them what he is doing now and that they are going to have to go through more shit, more interviews, more people making them talk about painful painful shit that they just want to forget and all in the interests of this pathetic little turd pretending to be the father he never was to them. Why the hell can't he realise what he has done to them and to us all and leave us the hell alone?

I have no idea how on earth to broach this with the children as I just know it will trigger a meltdown and there is just no way on earth they are going to agree to see him even if the court says they should.

I just don't know what to do. I hate that bastard so much for not only putting them through all the abuse in the first place and scaring them rigid so they didn't tell and now he is coming and putting them through more and more. He doesn't give a stuff about them just about himself.

I honestly have no reserves left at all to deal with this and just do not know what to do and how to cope. I am really feeling at the end of my rope and there is just nothing there left to call on to get me through this one now.

[GypsyMoth]

Cafcass can be a good thing. They can get both sides, listen to the children etc

How old are they?

[GeordieinExile]

Sorry for not replying sooner. They are 10, 9 and 6 almost 7.

Sorry for moaning on, but my life seems so hopeless at the moment and I feel so totally alone. I have had a weekend from hell with the eldest child who is having a really hard time with what has been going on and has decided that I am the person to take it all out on and I am to blame for what his dad has done. He has actually said that to my face. I can't take any more of any more. I really don't know what to do now. Can't face seeing him in court, I just can't go on with this any more.

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

I can't offer any helpful advice about the legal situation but am sending sympathy.
I just wanted to comment on this:
"I actually think that how I'm feeling is a pretty valid response to the situation I find myself in, and I have to work through it somehow not cover it up by taking pills."
The pills don't "cover it up": they give you breathing space so you can find your feet and deal with the situation and not be overwhelmed by your own response to it. It sounds as though that's how you feel.
But to someone reading what you've written you actually sound very strong and calm and together, even if you're panicking on the inside.
You say you need support from somewhere:why not start with your GP? He or she may be able to offer help for your DCs as well as you.

[GeordieinExile]

Thanks Lesser, in a way it is good to know that I am coming across as okay as I try to put a good front on it for the children as it really distresses them to see me upset. The "front" has become a bit of a habit and I do find it hard to let it all out to other people, I always try to shrug it off and make flippant comments about things so people don't realise how much it is bothering me. But honestly I feel shite. I am home alone today and have been crying most of the morning as it's the only chance I get when kids aren't around.

Eldest dc has a referral from GP to psychiatrist but not for a few weeks yet. Waiting lists for everything are so long.

I will have another think about anti depressents. I'm worried though that ex might get to find out somehow (via court process? Do they do medical reports?) and make a real thing of it that I'm not fit to look after the children.

Post has come and there is a form in it with a court date. I am seeing solicitor this afternoon but I am so scared. There are lies even in the little box where he has to give an outline of the case so god only knows what it will be like when we really get down to it.

I have been reading on the lone parents thread about CAFCASS and scaring myself stupid with that too.

[fatchip]

It all sounds horribly stressful, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

I think you really need to just take it all one day at a time for the moment. Try and do at least one nice thing for you each day - even if it's just going for a coffee or something.

is there a local MN group for the area you're now in? Might be worth a try. I think you need a support network as a starting point. Use us on here as much as you need to.

And remember, you have to keep going through this to get out the other side. And one day you really will be back in the sunshine again.

[GeordieinExile]

Thanks for your support Fatchip. A support network would be great, it is just getting one that is the hard part. I am very shy even at the best of time and find it hard to make friends in real life, and at the moment I have very little self-confidence. That is why it is lovely to be able to come on here and let things out so thank you all for reading and taking the time to reply. It honestly does help.

One day/step at a time is great advice. I think I will have to pin that up on my wall as it's when I look at everything altogether that it is overwhelming.

[GypsyMoth]

Keep going! Cafcass helped me a lot. I was in your position with a loose cannon if an ex! But I got there in the end.

No local mumsnetters for support?

[GeordieinExile]

Thanks Tiffany. It's really good to hear that you have had a positive experience with CAFCASS as there are a lot of bad stories on here and elsewhere about how people feel very let down by them. I am glad you got things sorted eventually although it does feel like such a long hard slog sometimes. I have been to see solicitor this afternoon and she was very good, very reassuring and I do feel a lot more positive about maybe getting a good result out of this court case.

Will try looking at the local boards and maybe making a contact when I am feeling a bit more up. I know being low and depressed isnt attractive and I am worried about scaring people away how I am at the moment. This is one of those times when you need good old friends who can deal with you at your worst . . .