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On a break but how do I know what I'm feeling?

(29 Posts)
soconfusedd Tue 11-Oct-11 18:15:45

Background: It's been a turbulent 20 months or so. DP and I got together shortly after he split from his long term ex (the mother of his 2 children who he'd been with on and off for 11 years). To begin with it went really well and I felt so so lucky (had liked him for a while), he made me feel so special and we fell fast and hard for each other. Soon he was staying most nights at mine and moved in a few months later as he was staying with famly temporarily and it didn't make sense for him to rent a place of his own when he was already spending so much time at mine.

We had a few teething problems, different parenting styles, lack of space, money worries and clashes between dp and my son. It was pretty up and down with arguments and calm times but I loved him so much and really wanted it to work, we both did, so we stuck at it and it got a bit better.

Then about 6 months ago someone contacted me anonymously to tell me dp had been having an affair. she gave me dates, times and examples of when she had seen them together and what they'd been doing. I confronted dp and he denied it, said he knew her but they were just friends.

I asked to meet her and he said I could but it never happenend. there was always a reason why not. I even went to see her without him but chickened out of talking to her because she was absolutely stunning. She also had her children with her so I didnt think it was appropriate/ I tried to end it a few times but he begged me to let him stay. Itold him he could not have further contact with her and he agreed.

I just can't get it out of my head, I wish I knew the truth. We've argued, fought, talked and cried together about it. I think he has realised his mistake and doesn't want to lose me but I still don't know if anything happened between them. I'm tormented by images of tehm togther,when we have sex I imagine him with her, i imagine them cuddling and laughing together. I've tried to move on but I can't get past it.

I'm constantly wondering what he's up to, who he's with and before all of his I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone before. I just don't know what really hapenned, I want to believe him, especially over a stranger but it doesnt quite add up and there's always doubt in my mind.

So I've asked himto go and he's back staying with family while I try to figure out what I want. And now I miss him so much. I want his arms around me and fr him to hold me, I want to smell him, everything reminds me of him. I feel so low all the time. I want his beautiful perfect cock inside me blush

He's staying near her but has promised he wont see her. He's calling and texting me telling me he misses me and asking me to take him back.

I can't bear the thought of him being with anyone else. and if we split up he soon will be. He's gorgeous, good looking, friendly and easy to get on with, it won't be long before someone else snaps him up. Andme? I'm shy and nothing special. Before I got together with him I'd been alone a long time and thought I always would be. The thought fhim happy with someone else while I'm alone tears me apart with jealousy.

So how do I know if we should be together? Is what I'm feeling just the normal grief at a relationship ending or a sign itshouldn't end? How much of it is rose tinted glasses> How much am I ignoring the bad times and just rememberinghow it was when we first got together> How much is jealousy? What if I'm alone for the rest of my life? And I don't want another relationship to have failed,

Please help. I thought a break would help mesee clearly but it's made me more confused

soconfusedd Tue 11-Oct-11 18:16:15

sorry for typing am crying

izzywhizzysfritenite Tue 11-Oct-11 18:32:40

so we stuck at it and it got a bit better.
The clue is in it only got a bit better, not a lot better.

I'm constantly wondering what he's up to, who he's with
If you take this man back into your life and home, you will always be imagining him with other women because there always will be others.

it won't be long before someone else snaps him up
He's a player, honey, and there will be a succession of women thinking they've got a prize in him and they'll be absolutely right. They'll have a prize twunt in their life for a few weeks or a few months until he moves on to his next conquest.

How much of it is rose tinted glasses
Take your rosy glasses off and find out for yourself.

What if I'm alone for the rest of my life
It's far better to be happy and alone than be unhappy in a relationship with a man who has no respect for you and who you can't trust.

soconfusedd Tue 11-Oct-11 18:44:06

But what if I'm unhappy and alone?

soconfusedd Tue 11-Oct-11 18:46:17

And I don't know for sure he had an affair. He still denies it. What if we've split up for nothing

FabbyChic Tue 11-Oct-11 18:48:50

Someone could have been shit stirring and played right into your hands.

Where is the proof he has done anything there is not any, generally if there is you would have seen it by now. And if it was supposedly still going on you would have heard from the person again.

I think you should give him a chance and take him on face value, but say if there is ever any proof that he has cheated you will walk away and not look back.

Sorry but don't believe everything someone tells you it could be purely malicious trying to cause you to split up.

FabbyChic Tue 11-Oct-11 18:49:04

I mean you played into their hands.

isthistoomessy Tue 11-Oct-11 18:53:25

Poor you, when you fall for someone hard and quickly it is so difficult when they are suddenly absent.

Hope you can work something out , whatever that may be!

soconfusedd Tue 11-Oct-11 18:59:45

It's just a feeling it doesn't add up. The person who told me gave me dates and times and told me what she'd seen them doing. For example one time he said he'd just popped in there then later when questioned more admitted he'd spent the evening with her.

Another time she said she saw him topless at a windowand he said one of the kids had spilt water on him hmm

He said at first they hardly spent any time togeter then later it came out they were very close.

He looks guilty as hell when she comes up and gets defensive. I want to trust him,but I can't.

And if they were friends why didn't I meet her? I got the feeling she was refusing, why do that if she was genuinely just a friend? Surely if she was she'd do everything she could to help him save his relationship.

soconfusedd Tue 11-Oct-11 19:06:34

And also that's what I've been doing Fabby. The past 6 months I've been trying to get past it in case it wasn't true but I haven't been able to. How much longer should I spend doubting him and not trusting him? And how can I stop the images of them together tormenting me?

Xales Tue 11-Oct-11 19:07:21

I was going to go with the give him the benefit of the doubt until your last post.

The person who gave you dates and times has given you accurate dates, times and information (topless being a good example).

He has lied to you about her more than once.............. He 'popped in' changed to he spent the evening..........., they 'hardly spent any time together' changed to they are really close.

He is guilty and defensive, you don't trust him.

Sorry I think you should trust your instinct on this one and chalk him up to experience.

The only thing that can make you unhappy alone is you. You can ensure that doesn't happen by making yourself happy.

FabbyChic Tue 11-Oct-11 19:15:48

Yeah Im sorry but after your last post it does look more than what he has said.

Personally if I were you, I'd ask her myself for piece of mind.

FabbyChic Tue 11-Oct-11 19:16:08

Could be her that sent the letter because she wants him for herself.

izzywhizzysfritenite Tue 11-Oct-11 19:21:16

Gosh fabby, you're in an unusually mellow mood tonight hmm

It's not just a feeling it doesn't add up. His reaction has told you all you need to know.

The information you were given is spot on, and the anonymous sender was most probably yet another of his conquests that he's loved and left.

Maybe he looks guilty hell when she comes up and gets defensive because she's married? This may explain why he's moved near her and not in with her - but give it time and he most probably will.

If you get to old age and find yourself unhappy and alone I'm sure there'll be some old git you can shack up with and live a thoroughly miserable existence together, but if you hide his viagra pills at least you won't have to worry about him shagging other women grin

FabbyChic Tue 11-Oct-11 19:23:30

Hey Im always mellow on the relationship threads, well 90% of the time.

Feel for some people really do. I do have empathy some times.

soconfusedd Tue 11-Oct-11 19:33:41

Anonymous is not quite the right word...I know her name, and how we know her. Just not sure which one is her out of the group-haven't put a face to the name and it could be one of 50 odd people. I don't think she's someone he's slept with, she is married and said her ex h had cheated on her and that's why she thought I should know about dp cheating on me.

The girl he was with is single, that's one of the things that makes me most uncomfortable-even if they were just friends I wouldn't be comfortable with him spending evenings alone with her and its also the fact he spent all this time with her without telling me she existed. Why the secrecy?

FabbyChic Tue 11-Oct-11 19:36:14

Honey, there is more to this than he is telling.

Having his shirt off? Being there for hours when in fact he told you it was less than that initially.

He is lying to cover his tracks.


soconfusedd Tue 11-Oct-11 19:39:26

Thanks. Writitng it down does make me think I was crazy to believe him initially. Can people get past something like this? A big part of me still doesn't want to lose him sad

Xales Tue 11-Oct-11 19:47:15

If he fessed up, and the two of you worked on rebuilding a new relationship, yes you can get passed this.

If he lies and never admits anything I think your relationship is doomed. You will constantly be doubting him whenever he walks out the door, where he is and who he is with. Worrying that one day he will just drop you for the next. Maybe even giving you STIs.

Is that what you want?

Actually for your own peace of mind you should to to a clinic just in case sad

soconfusedd Tue 11-Oct-11 20:11:22

He won't. He just denies anything happened and gets angry with me

buzzskeleton Tue 11-Oct-11 20:16:29

I don't think you can get past this if he won't tell the truth about it.

fabiosamimosala Tue 11-Oct-11 20:43:17

Has nobody else picked up on this:

They have been together just 20 Months

She found out he was cheating on her 6 months ago, so presumably he was cheating before they'd even been together a year

He moved in with her after just a few months (even though they both had children to consider) because he was staying with family and it was more convenient than renting somewhere alone

he had only just split from his long term partner

What 'relationship' is there to save?

Sweetheart this man was using you from the start. Oh I don't doubt he was attracted to you and liked you but seriously? He saw you as a convenient place to lay his cat to save him having to stay with family (his mum and dad by any chance?) and carried on with other women. You deserve more.

fayster Wed 12-Oct-11 00:51:42

Erm, previous long term on and off relationship?
Moving very quickly in taking this relationship to a serious level, using convenience as an excuse, so soon after the earlier relationship had ended?
Gets defensive and angry when you confront him about lies he's told?

And there's you, thinking you're nothing special, and feeling so lucky to have him because he's good looking and a charmer?

I'm sorry, my lovely, but I think Izzywhizzy has it right. I think he's a player who's spotted your insecurities and sees you as an easy target. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, at best I'd say he's repeating the same pattern of his last relationship - you've asked him to move out and he's begging to come back - it looks like another on/off relationship to me.

You don't need to be wasting time worrying about not having him, you need to spend time worrying about why you don't think you're something special, and why you don't think you deserve so much more. I'm not saying you can't have a relationship with him, but I think you need to be aware of what you can give him in a relationship, not just what he can give you.

I do wish you all the best.

AnyPhantomFucker Wed 12-Oct-11 07:28:26

This man has previous for opting out when the going gets tough

This man has cheated

I have never seen a post before where such hero worship of a faithless fuck is in evidence

Come on love, where is your self respect ?

Stop mooning after him, he has used you and the pretty words are just to get back on board the gravy train for him

There are lots of other "perfect cocks" out don't have to settle for this one

But next time, don't throw yourself in so deeply and very often ends in tears....just like yours now

Jaikers Wed 12-Oct-11 09:19:15

OP to answer your question yes it hurts. It hurts A LOT. It's not easy to get over someone that you thought you had a future with. You will feel lost, and lonely, you may have trouble eating or sleeping, everything WILL remind you of them. You might feel like a failure, you may wonder what's wrong with you, you might be scared of never finding love again. It doesn't take days, or weeks, it can take many many months.

But take off those rose tinted specs a minute and take an honest look at yourself and the relationship you really have. Are you really someone that thinks a bad relationship is better than being alone? Do you really think you don't deserve a relationship with someone who respects you? Is the relationship you have with him really a good one, or are you actually mourning the relationship you thought you were going to have with him, back in the day when he made you feel special.

FWIW a break rarely works. It can work, to help both parties get some perspective, but with a break the assumption is always there that you are ging to get back together. And how can you get over someone if in the back of your mind you'll be back with them in a few weeks or a month or whatever?

My ex and I had several breaks. Some for two weeks, some for a month. But they rarely lasted as long as they were meant to, I'd be feeling lonely and sad, and he'd be texting me telling me how much he missed me, how much he loved me, begging me to give him another chance. Once I only lasted three nights! How bloody pathetic!

But you know what? Although I'd be feeling esctatic at having him back, at him treating me well again, at feeling loved and wanted again, there was always a nagging doubt in my mind and I'd feel disappointed in myself at not being stronger, in letting my lonliness and hurt rule me. And he would make an effort, a huge effort for a while. Sometimes it would last for months and I'dbe really happy I hadn't let him go. But without exception, the doubt was always there and we'd soon beback to the same old pattern.

And the day I made a final decision, no more breaks, we were over for good. That day, I felt a huge weight lifted from me. Yes it still hurt, yes i still missed him, yes I ached to feelhis arms around me. But I also felt relief. No more wondering, no more doubt. And I felt hope, hope that I'd be able tohave a happy relationship one day, hope that my future would be better.

And ending it for good meant I was finally able to move on, it wasn't easy,it took some time. but I did it and now I look back and wonder why I let it drag out so long, all those breaks only prolongued the agony.

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