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Biggest mistake ever, heart is broken and all my fault

(11 Posts)
SimplyTes Tue 11-Oct-11 14:38:49

DH and I been rocky over the last few years, rarely having sex or intimate conversations. I have 2 DS and have had 2 MC - all pregnancies planned. DH booked in for vasectomy so when I ran out of pills we moved onto condoms. In July this year found out I was pregnant; due to precarious (sp) relationship and various other reasons I ended the pregnancy. No one knows except DH. I went there (clinic) by myself and cried throughout. Aferwards I walked home and wished that I would fall into a heap and never wake up.

I cannot believe that I did this. I love my DSs more than anything and never ever thought I could do something like this. My DH is having his vascetomy this Friday hence the reason I am thinking about this even more.

There is nothing I can do to make this right but I wish a million times over that I made a different choice. Just writing it down helps, not sure what to expect but MNs have helped before. In my current madness wondering whether I should try to get pregnanct B4 Friday - INSANE I know.

throckenholt Tue 11-Oct-11 14:44:42

You can't be sure it was a big mistake. You are projecting what might have been and making it something to regret. It is just as likely that it would have been a big mistake for you and your existing family to have any more children.

Be kind to yourself - you made the decision with the best intention and did the best you could at the time. Give yourself time to let it work through your system and learn to believe that is was the best choice. You can keep a little sentimental space for a what might have been dream - but don't let it blight your real present and future.

Hormonally and emotionally you have been through turmoil - give yourself time to recover your equilibrium.

Spellcheck Tue 11-Oct-11 14:46:28

God I feel for you so much sad When I was reading your post, your last comment was already in my mind, I know that is exactly what I would think!

Why is he having a vasectomy? Is it a decision you reached together, as it doesn't sound like this is what you want at all. This could break the relationship, or leave you resenting him for ever.

Is there any way you can ask him to postpone the appointment untill you've been honest with him? He needs to know how you feel immediately.

When did you have the Mcs? Was it after your DCs? Having been through it myself I understand the grieving can take a lot longer than people realise. Have you spoken to him about this? How does he feel?

God I feel for you. <<<hug>>>

Bramshott Tue 11-Oct-11 14:47:11

It sounds like you need time to work this through in your mind, and your DH's imminent vasectomy appt is not helping. Could/would he ask for his appt to be delayed to give you more time to work through your feelings?

Spellcheck Tue 11-Oct-11 14:47:39

Throckenholt a much better and more helpful post for the OP than my outburst!!

tigermoll Tue 11-Oct-11 14:50:58

This is a really difficult time for you, and I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Re. the termination: you did the best thing as you saw it at the time, and please don't punish yourself for it. Choosing to end a pregnancy in no way reflects on the love you have for your children. You say yourself you were in a precarious position, you must have had enough to deal with taking care of the children you already had, and felt that it would be better for everyone not to bring another child into the situation. Trust yourself that you thought about it seriously, and made the best decision you could at the time. It is normal to think about that decsion and have moments of reret, but starting another pregnancy is not the way to 'make up for it'.

Re your H's vasectomy, - is this something that you want as well? TBH, it seems like an odd decision for him to make when your r/ship is so rocky.

SimplyTes Tue 11-Oct-11 14:55:05

Thanks for quick responses, had first mc after DS1 and second mc after DS2, makes me think that this pregnancy would have worked ie. have one, lose one, have one, lose one. Fuck, can't believe that I am this messed up in the head.

DH having vasectomy as mc's were horrendous (I know they are for everyone) and I have two great sons and turning 40 next year, training for a marathon, we have started fostering - so many good reasons not to have another child. But fate (rubbish condoms/MAP failing???) gave me the chance to have a third child and I destroyed that chance.

When I talk to DH I just start crying, feel stupid and end up apologising. Got drunk at a girls night on Friday, nearly told a friend but feel so guilty about what I have done and scared she might judge me / not want to be my friend or support me - how childish is that?

SimplyTes Tue 11-Oct-11 14:59:53

The scary thing is I don't think I did give it enough thought. When I was waiting to be taken by the nurse I knew I should have left, when I was lying on the bed waiting for the general I knew I should have stopped them. If anyone had asked me are you sure I would have said no. When I talked about it with DH it seemed that there was only one choice. I should have confided in another person.

I went to bpas and I did have a counselling session first and they said no woman is ever 100% sure that it is the right thing so just assumed my feelings were normal. I now know that I did make a mistake.

There is nothing I can do to make it OK,

throckenholt Tue 11-Oct-11 16:07:58

Whether it was truly a mistake or not only time will tell. You are currently dealing with the delayed shock and grief. You are probably also struggling with a hormonal reaction.

Your life is stressful with young children, repeated miscarriages, resultant strain on a marriage etc. It all feels out of control - and one thing you can point and blame yourself for having been able to control is the termination. You can beat yourself up about that and having made the wrong call.

But - regardless - you now have to come to terms with your life as it is and not as it might have been. You have no way of knowing if the pregnancy would have been successful or not. You have lost a might have been - in a similar way to the previous mcs. And in the same way lots of things in life may or may not be a turning point.

You have to learn to accept and forgive yourself. No-one is perfect - we all question choices in retrospect. Be kind to yourself and let yourself make the best of what you have.

Have you talked to DH about how you feel ? Have a good cry on his shoulder, let it out - it can't make things any worse than you feel already.

SimplyTes Tue 11-Oct-11 16:32:25

Thank you throkenholt, will try and speak to DH tonight but it won't make any difference to what I have done but maybe how I feel. Just collected DSs from school, playing lego with a friend and I am having an early glass of wine and keeping calm.

Will disappear now and get on with food. S x

throckenholt Tue 11-Oct-11 16:45:02

>but it won't make any difference to what I have done but maybe how I feel.

That is the point - what is done is done, nothing can change that. What is now most important is getting to a place where you feel ok about it. And that has to be the most important thing - because you and your existing family are far more important to get right than anything that might have been.

You owe it to yourself and your family to find a way to accept what happened and put it in it's proper place in your lives. One of life's sad events - not what either of you would have chosen given an ideal world.

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