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crushes on people whilst married.

(25 Posts)
beingreallysilly Tue 11-Oct-11 13:50:52

I'm married and seem to have developed a bit of a crush on someone that has done some work for us .
I haven't told anyone as i don't think i realised it ,he's finished now and is gone and i'm gutted.
I'm shocked at myself as he's wasn't particularly good looking and my h is more so.
He has been back a few times for forgotten items but is otherwise done.
Is this normal or does it mean something is missing from my marriage?

bubblegumpop Tue 11-Oct-11 14:03:26

It's normal I think to have crushes on other people. It's what you do with it that counts.

I mean humans will find other people attractive, that's life no? Dosen't mean you don't love your partner, or something is missing, or you aren't monogamous (is this is the path you follow).

bubblegumpop Tue 11-Oct-11 14:03:43

*if this is the path you follow.

Spellcheck Tue 11-Oct-11 14:34:50

It's normal-ish! I am very susceptible to it when I am feeling a bit down. I have learned to separate these feelings from those of my xH and now my DP. It's just me fantasising and has no basis in reality. It's the way I am, I used to love meeting eyes with a sexy man across a crowded room, etc. Can't help it, the thrill of the chase, the thought of it is so exciting. But I have never acted on it and this is why...

A close friend of my mother's (aged 33 at the time) harboured a crush on one of the builders carrying out extensive work on her house. She was beautiful and wealthy, he was 21 and muscly, there was a lot of chemistry between them and the crush became flirting and then something more. He used to come and stay when her DH was away working, and she fell in 'love'. Inevitably, the builders left. She was heartbroken, as she'd become unhappy and lonely in her marriage and thought she'd met 'the one'. She was obsessed with him. He was everything she'd dreamed of, young, good-looking, funny, caring, fantastic in bed... Whereas DH was older, ran a business, worked long hours, and was often tired and distracted.

So, the marriage ended, and she thought she could pick up again with the builder and live happily ever after. She met his friends, who all had very young girlfriends and rode mopeds. He was happy to eat at cafes, she wanted to go to restaurants. He was happy to go to a pub and spend the evening playing fruit machines, she wanted to go to the theatre. The sex was incredible but their lives and interests were so different it quickly became clear there was no future in it. Gradually she realised her DH had been working so hard to provide for her - she didn't have to work - and he loved her so much he pushed himself further and further into his work so he could afford to pay for the gorgeous house, the holidays and amazing cars. THAT was the problem, and they could have fixed it.

Sadly, it was too late for them. She's bored us all endlessly with how she threw it all way in the name of lust. But it's a good lesson for me, because I can see that a fantasy is just that - a fantasy. And what is around me is real, and safe, and I really really love my DP and know he is perfect for me.

Sorry to go on, I need to re-affirm it to myself sometimes!!

farfallarocks Tue 11-Oct-11 15:32:12

Totally normal, don't act on it!

It will subside in a few weeks if you cut of contact and don't be tempted to contact him, playing with fire!

beingreallysilly Tue 11-Oct-11 15:45:45

I have shocked myself by feeling like this , like some silly kid also feel daft as i'm a few years older with kids so wouldn't be a great prospect for him lol.
Also feel guilty as it's one of h's friends , as i say no one knows but it has suprised me!

YouWithTheFace Tue 11-Oct-11 15:57:16

I've had several ongoing crushes throughout my marriage (8yrs/12yrs together). I keep realistic about the fact they are crushes not Twu Luv, and keep them in the same box as the inappropriate David Tennant thoughts, and act the same to the unwitting crush as I do to anyone else, and recognise it's because they're attractive and interesting and I don't have to act on it at ALL!

So, you know, it's OK. I think. Just don't let your inner fifteen-year-old crusher get out of hand...

merryhell Tue 11-Oct-11 20:20:44

Course it's ok. It's normal. More than normal, it's healthy, and proves that despite being married you belong to no one and are still an individual human being.

Enjoying it for what it is and not wanting or attempting to act on it makes you a honourable and trustworthy married person with integrity and respect for yourself, your H and your marriage vowssmile

CantBelieveImAskingThis Tue 11-Oct-11 20:28:19

It's normal. Enjoy it and it will fade in a few weeks. Don't under any circumstances be tempted to contact him/Facebook him, etc. Unnecessary contact is the point at which it becomes a little more than a crush and it's a slippery slope!

MangoMonster Tue 11-Oct-11 20:28:48

I have had dreams about my builder... Wouldnt actually go there but great dreams all the same. It's normal, don't think too much about it.

mrsgboring Tue 11-Oct-11 20:41:37

Yup another one here. I have had a few crushes in 14 years of marriage. One I think was possibly even reciprocated slightly (it was an IT man at work and I could get anything fixed with the computers within a couple of hours. I did all our callouts blush) but it didn't matter because I was very firmly married and never did anything inappropriate or even particularly thought about it beyond noticing the chemistry.

I think they are rather random and not particularly based on reality.

confidence Tue 11-Oct-11 22:35:12

It's normal and doesn't need to mean anything relevant to your marriage...

... as long as the person is the opposite sex to yourself.

Gay40 Tue 11-Oct-11 22:38:32

And even if the person is the same sex as yourself.

mrsgboring Tue 11-Oct-11 23:30:10

Absolutely Gay.

Onemorning Wed 12-Oct-11 09:02:44

It's normal. I have a wee crush on one of my workmates, but wouldn't act on it in a million years.

Alouiseg Wed 12-Oct-11 09:07:36

So, where would one find good looking builders then? Hypothetically of course. <peers out at clearly sub (Mumsnet) standard builders> envy

beingreallysilly Wed 12-Oct-11 09:48:50

Well i feel a bit better now as it seems very common ! I'm finding it difficult as he keeps coming back for items he's left or stuff he took of h's ,he's finished his bit but his workmen are still here and he turned up to see how they had gone on yesterday but it was dark and the work is in the garden and we don't have a light there?

Alouiseg Wed 12-Oct-11 10:23:50

Turning up in the dark now wink

Alouiseg Wed 12-Oct-11 10:24:23

Are you thinking that the crush might be a bit mutual?

MangoMonster Wed 12-Oct-11 11:51:04

Oh dear, you might have to start being a bit less friendly, or avoiding him.

beingreallysilly Wed 12-Oct-11 13:00:11

I don't know really , i mean nothing would happen but i have sort of wondered looking at work he can't see does seem strange lol.
Also all the leaving stuff behind etc , he could of taken everything last night as he had his van but said i'll see you tomorrow as i'm coming to collect something(not being used now) so he could of taken it.
But then on the otherhand is it me thinking this cause i like him or is it strange?

Alouiseg Wed 12-Oct-11 13:03:35

Answer the door in a sexy negligee next time he turns up, see what happens.

No, don't really. i'm getting carried away on your behalf.

beingreallysilly Wed 12-Oct-11 13:09:27

Ha ha that would sort it he'd run a mile !!

mrsgboring Wed 12-Oct-11 13:15:53

You'll never know for sure because you're not going to do anything about it. So why not assume he likes you too and enjoy the "Still got it" feeling for a little while?

cakeoclock Wed 12-Oct-11 13:26:23

Totally normal! I have a crush on my window cleaner at the moment. He doesn't do it for me when he's cleaning the windows but when he comes for his money and flashes his cheeky smile I'm a goner! I have had crushes on workmates, friends, allsorts really it's just a bit of fun but NEVER tell DH! I'd never act upon it btw, I'd run a mile if I thought it was reciprocated!

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