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is it common to feel disappointed in a relationship?

(12 Posts)
nello Tue 11-Oct-11 13:15:55

is it common to feel disappointed in a realtionship? I am very emotional and feel highs and lows very strongly and wondered if this disappointment feeling is just me, or more common? You meet someone, get to know them, think they are wonderful (without being naive that they are perfect) and then over time you get to know them better, and better...and things are done and things are said that can't be taken back and make you feel disappointed. Where do you go from here without resentment growing and a breakdown of a relationship? I am not at all suggesting that this is not two-sided, that I have not caused disappointment....but even so, where do you go from here?

tigermoll Tue 11-Oct-11 14:42:50

I think we're going to need some more details about what exactly you are disappointed about. Without a bit more context, it's hard to know whether it's you or the situation that is the issue.

mumsamilitant Tue 11-Oct-11 15:28:22

Depends. Sounds like the first flushes of love are over. Time to weigh up whether you want to carry on or not. As tigermoll said though, more details are needed.

isthistoomessy Tue 11-Oct-11 20:10:44

it is difficult - i think it is not unusual, from what me and my girlfriends experience! chin up. things are easily said (on both sides), but can spiral quickly.

MangoMonster Tue 11-Oct-11 20:14:24

I don't think it's unusual but no one is perfect. More details needed.

CAZ46 Tue 11-Oct-11 20:20:29

Yeah need to know a bit more info on what the disappointments are. I have been married for nearly 20 years and at times feel disappointed. The more we are together the more content I have become due to now being in my late 40s and a bit more chilled out and I don't have the huge expectations I used to have. Happy to bumble along now. When things need to change you must communicate but also need to accept sometimes that things wont change. Hope this helps. But remember men are always in the wrong lol!

FabbyChic Tue 11-Oct-11 21:14:58

As you get to know someone there are things you find that you are not happy with, thats what happens when you really get to know someone, the deciding factor is can you live with what you find or not?

nello Wed 12-Oct-11 12:51:11

thanks. i think it is probably normal what I am feeling...first flushes of love over etc. It is mainly small things, but particularly the way he argues, he gets into moods which I can stand and I find really immature and can get really nasty when arguing, never anything abusive, just can be pretty mean and give me the most unpleasant faces, and when he acts like that it makes me question who he is. On a back drop of this though is the fact that a while back something he did resulted in me getting physically harmed quite badly, and I think I have disappointments with the fact that the person who is supposed to protect me to a certain extent managed to get me injured... I used to think he was so wonderful, and I still get pangs of this, but it really has faded.

sunshineandbooks Wed 12-Oct-11 13:09:15

Oh sad. If he gets "really nasty" and you've been physically hurt, I'd say what you're feeling isn't the ending od the first flush of love but a normal reaction to living with someone who TBH sounds like an abuser who is slowly but surely grooming you.

First off, your n are good. Feel proud of them and start listening to them. You're probably not that emotional. You're probably sad because he's undermining you and being unpleasant. And when you're just about to start questioning things he's probably so lovely that you feel ridiculously happy. Emotional highs and lows are very characteristic of an abusive relationship.

In your shoes I'd start putting the breaks on and try to find out as much as I can about abusive relationships, particularly the psychological/verbal side of them. This is a good place to start.

Sorry if this sounds alarmist, but there are so many red flags in your second post. Hope you get some peace of mind soon. smile

sunshineandbooks Wed 12-Oct-11 13:10:00

n = instincts (not quite sure what happened there)

nello Wed 12-Oct-11 13:33:09

sorry, i don't think i was very clear. He didn't physically hurt me. a situation he was involved in resulted in me getting hurt, by someone else, and i wish the situation had not occured so that I hadn't got hurt. He was actually trying to look after me in this situation. It is difficult to explain this one without giving too many specifics, but this is not common place in our relationship, but has tainted what we had.

Do you really think he sounds abusive? I am not sure about this....i do doubt how he manages his anger/emotions, but i have not thought of him as abusive. Why do you think he is grooming me? That sounds really severe and pretty scary. Why do think there are red flags? I am alwasy up and down to be honest, i think that is me, not him, since always I have felt emotion way more than any of my friends and people have always commented on it. I grew up with a depressive father, could be something to do with that.

sunshineandbooks Wed 12-Oct-11 13:49:02

I'm sorry if I'm making you feel uncomfortable. I don't mean to.

The red flags are his moods, the fact that you say he can be nasty and mean. Most people are not like that in relationships with people they love. Yes, they can have moods and either withdraw or occasionally have rows, but it's actually quite unusual for decent loving partners to be regularly mean and nasty to each other during rows. This would worry me enormously.

I understood you when you said your DP hadn't directly hurt you, but you clearly hold him in some way responsible for it, which probably means he is. If his actions fundamentally altered a situation and resulted in you getting hurt, then he is responsible in a way. Not as bad as directly hurting you but still implies that your welfare was way down on his list of priorities at the time. That's not something I would want in a partner. It implies selfishness and thoughtlessness. Without knowing any details I suppose it's possible it was a genuine accident, but if it was a genuine accident I don't think you'd still be upset by it.

You don't have to take any notice of me. I don't know anything about you or your DP and could be talking absolute tosh, but please take 10 minutes out of your day to find out more about abuse. If I'm wrong it will at least help you to see why and give you renewed confidence in your relationship. Whereas if I'm right hopefully it will help you move forward.

Good luck whatever you do. smile

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