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Do you think 18-year-old men would ever really want the fat girl?

(30 Posts)
Tilly7482 Mon 10-Oct-11 20:53:29

Sorry for such a blunt title, just couldn't think of a softer one.

Basically, when I was 18, I weighed about 17 or 18 stone. I'm older now, and weigh under 10, but that's beside the point. Just setting the scene.

At 18, I lost my virginity to someone who was my friend, probably my best friend, and he said he wanted to do it with me (his first time as well) because it would be really nice and 'right' for us to do it together. I agreed with him (now I'm not sure why).

We were on and off involved for quite a while, but he was never interested in having a relationship with me, which we always both explained away by saying we didn't want to wreck the friendship. It's not untrue as such, just that I really did love him for a long time and I think I was kidding myself that I didn't want more. He picked up with me whenever he wasn't with anyone. All his girlfriends were really pretty and slim and nothing like me.

I 'confronted' him once about it, asking him if he used me (and that whole thing about it being nice if we both had sex for the first time together being a lie just to get me to have sex with him). He denied it, but said he could see why I thought it. I didn't push the point with him though, I just let it go without having an answer.

I still feel that I was right to some degree. That while he did care about me as a friend, he did use me as well. I just don't know if I can ever believe that he wanted me because I was me, or whether it was all about sex.

I think I'm right though, I think he used me. I don't know whether it was all teenage boy mentality and I should focus less on the fac that I was fat and he didn't see me as 'relationship material' because of that.

If it helps with opinions on this, we are still friends now.

I know this probably seems really trivial, but it's been playing on my mind for one reason or another and I would just appreciate outside opinion on it.

Thanks. smile

P.S. am a regular, but have NCed.

pumpkinsmash Mon 10-Oct-11 20:56:18

You know you need to let this go, right? No one can answer this question.

Be kind to yourself- it's history

Kayano Mon 10-Oct-11 20:57:06

I think applying your situation to every 18 year old boy and every fat girl is BU...

But Seriously... How long ago was this? I lost it to a drunk guy at a party who was pretending to be German and didn't even realise it was an act til I woke up and he was so so English lol

Tilly7482 Mon 10-Oct-11 20:57:44

Yes of course I do, I didn't ask for an answer though, just opinions.

He is not history from my life and won't be either, I just need to get this out.

Tilly7482 Mon 10-Oct-11 20:59:46

How long ago was it? Difficult to say, started a while ago, I'm in my 20s now. But it went on for a long time and I need to reconcile this. I am sick of it swimming around in my head and I guess I just need to know if my feelings are reasonable.

Kayano Mon 10-Oct-11 21:00:25

I think if he had said 'baby... Let's be together forever and date... let's do it '

Then he would have used you

The fact he was quite upfront about it 'it would be nice to lose it together because we are friends' and the fact that you are still friends, and the fact that you agreed to the 'just sex as friends'

Means it was not a 'him using you ' situation

Imo

bubblegumpop Mon 10-Oct-11 21:04:24

If he was your friend. He saw you, not the fat girl. It was a friends thing. I think you need to let it go.

CombineArvester Mon 10-Oct-11 21:04:53

Do you think its possible that he wanted to go out with you but was worried his mates would take the piss? Sorry if this sounds really mean, just trying to think back to that teenage mentality.

FWIW at that age DP went out with a very curvy girl, he thought nothing of it until I noticed her in an old photo and mentioned she had lost a lot of weight (they still know each other now). He said he never realised at the time - she must have been around a size 20 and now a 14!

I can see why you want to know - if he didn't want to go out with you because you were overweight but used you for sex, then he was and is a tosser.

If he was worried about what his mates thought he was a total teenage loser but may be able to redeem himself now grin

solidgoldbrass Mon 10-Oct-11 21:05:37

If he is still your friend, then he is a nice person, and you need to lose the mundane mindset about sex between friends rather than True Lovers meaning you are being used. You had sex a few times, you enjoyed it, you have stayed friends, so that's all good stuff.

pictish Mon 10-Oct-11 21:05:56

Yeah they do. So long as none of their mates find out.

Was also a fat 18 yr old.

Fuck it - leave it in the past mate.

DawnOfTheDeementedDead Mon 10-Oct-11 21:09:25

I dunno - i was the fat 16 year old and the 18 year old fell for me. In fact, he's sat on the sof next to me now, 17 yeas later. It can work.

I don't think he used you, i think perhaps you both wanted different things though.

DawnOfTheDeementedDead Mon 10-Oct-11 21:09:51

*sofa even.

Kayano Mon 10-Oct-11 21:10:14

My 18 year old went for me...

But we were both fat grin
Now I'm pregnant even hugging is difficult lol

Tilly7482 Mon 10-Oct-11 21:11:14

Combine, yes, I've thought about that. I think maybe, I don't know.

I happen to know he has lied about me to friends of his in the past. He has said he'd never want to sleep with me because I was big and that he'd have to be really drunk to even think about it. That was a bitch to hear, I can tell you.

Can't even tell him that I know that, because it was forwarded to me in an email by someone who thought I should know.

I will not make a big deal out of this, I won't even be raising it with him. I can't be arsed with the bloody drama it would cause. I live with a family member of his, we have children together, that's why he's in my life for good. I just needed to know whether my feelings were entirely baseless.

He is a different person now, I am able to have a friendship with him that is totally different as well.

Thank you for replying, all of you.

MangoMonster Mon 10-Oct-11 21:13:21

You both wanted it, he must have found you attractive. You may not be the one for him but that doesn't belittle your thing together. Try not to worry about it and focus on moving on. Men can find personality attractive as well as their ideal looks.

ImperialBlether Mon 10-Oct-11 21:13:21

My son's 19 and his girlfriends and friends have been all sizes. He loves his friends who are girls and has always liked and respected his girlfriends.

He's never noticed sizes. One of his female friends has lost a few stone in weight - he hasn't noticed. One of his male friends has put on a couple of stone in the last year - he hasn't noticed.

When I say he hasn't noticed, I'm sure he has, but it hasn't been worth thinking about.

Boys that age LOVE their female friends. They feel so much more free with them than their girlfriends.

Please don't worry about it now. You sound as though you had a lovely time with him. If you'd been boyfriend-girlfriend, you probably would have parted badly (that's usually what happens) and wouldn't be friends now.

Look back at your past self with affection and feel glad you lost your virginity to a close friend rather than a fling.

Tilly7482 Mon 10-Oct-11 21:15:04

That made me tear up Impreial. Thank you. smile

Tilly7482 Mon 10-Oct-11 21:15:26

Fuck, I can't even type properly lol. Imperial

I think, well, just from my own experience of being a fat teen, that boys that age were so immature (understandably! They're only kids) that they liked you but they didn't want to be mocked - and they would have been.

I am thinking of a boy I knew. We got on really well. I could tell he liked me. As a person. But he couldn't get past the fact that I was fat and he couldn't cope with his mates taking the piss. Looking back, I can see the struggle in him grin

Not every young lad is like that, of course. You get those who don't care what their mates think and you get those that are repelled by you being fat grin but there's the others. The ones who like the person, who may think you're pretty, but who lack the maturity and confidence to say to their mates - you know what? Up yours. I think she's great.

MangoMonster Mon 10-Oct-11 21:17:01

He's probably immature and didn't want to come over soppy about liking you for you. It's in the past, give him the benefit of the doubt and move on and be happy.

sunshineandbooks Mon 10-Oct-11 21:18:48

I really can't decide. My initial reaction was to think you're making too much out of this. It sounds like he was quite honest at the time and you came to a mutually agreed decision.

However, if it's still playing on your mind years later, there must be a reason for that. If you've got enough self awareness, with a little reflection you should be able to determine if that's due to your own insecurity or the fact that he has used you (even then it may be not be clear cut, as it's possible that he didn't set out with that intention initially).

The fact that you're still friends now suggests it's maybe your own insecurity about what you looked like then. It's not an unreasonable way to feel. We live in a celebrity-obsessed culture, populated by stick-thin models and a hyper-critical media. These messages are damaging. Being damaged by them doesn't make you a head case, it means you're a normal person who has absorbed the constant media bombardment of what 'normal' and 'sexy' looks like.

Fortunately, it's all total BS (if it was true, an awful lot of people would never have sex and the population would die out), but it can sometimes take quite a lot of effort to undo decades of subliminal messaging. You could try reading 'fat is a feminist issue' and 'the beauty myth' which are both excellent for getting to the heart of this and enabling women to look and feel great again whatever their size or shape.

Is your friend a good enough friend where you can ask him again and this time discuss it until you're satisfied you've got to the bottom of it?

scarlettsmummy2 Mon 10-Oct-11 21:21:28

I don't believe that size is really the issue here. I was in the same position as you when I was that age and I was a size eight and a promotions girl. It carried on for four or five years and the guy absolutely broke my heart. To say I adored him is an understatement.

But the reality is, he probably wasn't really intentionally using me, he just didn't love me enough and knew I wasn't the one. That is the bottom line- he loved me as a friend and cheap thrill, but not enough for a relationship. It still hurts because you do always wonder why wasn't it more, but you have to move on.

On the positive side, we both started our relationships with our noes husbands/ wives in the same week, and are both very happy. You no doubt will meet someone special too.

scarlettsmummy2 Mon 10-Oct-11 21:24:27

sorry, just re read some of the posts and have realised you do now have another partner.

Tilly7482 Mon 10-Oct-11 21:24:29

He is a good enough friend to ask that, but I don't really want to risk the aftermath. I don't need to hear it from him I don't think, I just need to know whether I'm being a total idiot for even thinking this, which I don't believe I am.

Scarlettsmummy, I am with someone special already, but thank you for the sentiment. smile

MangoMonster Mon 10-Oct-11 21:26:42

I personally think you're reading too much into it. It's not always about physical attributes, personality is just as important.

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