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I need to make a decision between two men.. and I'd like your thoughts please

(77 Posts)
HelpMeChoose Mon 10-Oct-11 19:18:39

I have been a LP for a long time, I have had the odd BF, but before I get shot at for being a brazen hussy... I know it's not an ideal situation, please don't flame me. I'm trying to sort it out..

I met PP1 (Potential partner 1) online several months ago, we have talked daily since, but never really planned to meet up, we just got on really well and seem to agree on almost everything..

I met PP2 through a mutual friend, we were set up because my friend thought we would be a good match... I ended up getting quite drunk that night and ending up going to bed with him.. which was absolutely amazing (it had been a long time) but I didn't think it would go any further than that..
PP2 contacted me after that night and told me that he would like to see me again, and we arranged to meet up the following weekend, and we had a drink and spent the rest of the time that I was there in bed... the sex again was absolutely amazing and I had never been with anyone who could please me so easily..

The whole time I am still talking to PP1 daily.
I continue to see PP2 for the odd naughty weekend when the DC are on overnight stays. PP2 then tells me that he likes me, and has implied that he would marry me.. but I can't get PP1 out of my head, I had never met him, but I talk to him every day and know that he would look after me and make me feel safe.

I decide that I can't let things go any further until I have met PP1 and got him out of my head, we arrange a date and it was lovely.. he brought a single red rose for me, pulled my chair out for me and tucked me in, and was a perfect gentleman..

So now I am a bit confused.. I like them both for different reasons..
I want to find someone to settle down with..

I have bullet-pointed my pros and cons..

- Lovely gentleman, I could see him treating me the way my dad still treats my mum now
- Romantic
- Wants marriage and children
- Has a good job and lots of ambition, knows what he wants out of life.
- Have only met him the once, but I still know him much more.
- Christian

- Amazing in bed but likes to always been in control and make me a bit sub, although I prefer not to be.
- Has told me that he doesn't usually date people 'my size' (16)
- I could act out absolutely any fantasy that ever entered my head as he is up for anything
- Always makes sure I am fully satisfied
- Extremely affectionate, cuddle all night long.
- Wants marriage and (maybe) children
- Old fashioned, believes that cooking/cleaning etc is womans work.. and that woman are there 'to please men'
- Agnostic

I have never been with someone who satisfies me as much as PP2, and although I know that PP1 is the sensible choice, and I know it sounds shallow, but after being in a relationship where the sex was really crap, I worry that if I go for 'sensible', that I will be disappointed and unhappy if the sex lacks somewhat..
Currently, sex hasn't even been mentioned with PP1

Both of them I would happily take home to my parents..

I have talked to both of them about my DC, and they have both reacted appropriately, taking an interest but not overkill.

Really I just want to know your thoughts and get a bit of help to put this in perspective.. I know that nobody can make the decision for me..

And I know it seems trivial compared to some other peoples problems, and for that I'm sorry..

whomovedmychocolate Mon 10-Oct-11 19:20:43

You have never met PP1 - people make up stuff on the Internet. Go for what you know. You can always go back to PP1 if PP2 turns out to be a poo poo head! grin

slartybartfast Mon 10-Oct-11 19:22:28

ditto to wmmc.
what a good idea.
i like the sound of the good sex grin

said Mon 10-Oct-11 19:22:42

Neither. Well, definitely not PP2, anyway for long-term

HelpMeChoose Mon 10-Oct-11 19:23:35

I have met PP1, we had a lovely date and got on really well.. I thought meeting him would get him out of my head, but it's actually made me think about him more..

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 10-Oct-11 19:24:21

The controlling and old-fashioned elements in PP2 would make me leary. Can you get to know PP1 a bit better? Do you feel you have to choose right now?

loserface Mon 10-Oct-11 19:26:48

PP1 all the way!

HelpMeChoose Mon 10-Oct-11 19:27:17

I don't know. I feel as though I am being dishonest by liking them both, and feel like now that I have met PP1, that I can't sleep with PP2 as if I ended up with PP1 I would know that I had slept with someone else since I have actually met him.. where as before I could have possibly brushed it off as "well, it was before I met PP1"

I'm not one to date multiple guys, and before this hadn't been out on a date in months. I feel as though I have got myself in a right situation..

beatenbyayellowskull Mon 10-Oct-11 19:28:12

^- Amazing in bed but likes to always been in control and make me a bit sub, although I prefer not to be.
- Old fashioned, believes that cooking/cleaning etc is womans work.. and that woman are there 'to please men' ^

PP2 is not longterm, I'd say.

beatenbyayellowskull Mon 10-Oct-11 19:28:34

well so much for the italics. sorry! smile

WinduhPAYNE Mon 10-Oct-11 19:30:22


PP1 sounds nice but, you would need to actually spend time with him. I would not go much further without discussing his faith and how that affects his relationships and sex outside of marriage.

PP2 sounds like fun but he is controlling by the sounds of it, red flag comment "Has told me that he doesn't usually date people 'my size' " and "old fashioned" attitude would be a big no no for a long term relationship imo.

Why the emphasis about marriage so early on?

FabbyChic Mon 10-Oct-11 19:32:36

There is no future with the sex guy, your relationship is only based on sex and nothing else.

CumbrianCooBeastie Mon 10-Oct-11 19:33:28

Erm... this will sound like I'm an upright old prude (I am), but if I were PP1 I would be devastated to find out the lady I thought I was emotionally connecting to was banging her brains out with someone else.

I'm not going to say the same thing about PP2, because he sounds like the sort of person who would do that anyway.

There. Sorry. Not judgypanting, just thinking about how either of them would further down the line.

BertieBotts Mon 10-Oct-11 19:33:56

PP2 for a casual, no-strings relationship for a while, maybe? You'll need to get him out of your system or you'll always be wondering! But absolutely, definitely no to long term with PP2. He has a few red flags for abusive behaviour, actually.

PP1 is too early to tell. He definitely has potential for long term, but obviously you'd have to get to know him a lot better in person to know whether he's right for you anyway.

Also, and this isn't a criticism of you at all, but it can be quite limiting to be consciously "looking for something long term" with a nonspecific, perhaps not-yet-met person. If you try to make sure you are happy in your own life, and someone happens to come along, then great. But if not, you're happy anyway, so never mind. If you're consciously looking with a goal in mind, you are more likely to make compromises (e.g. with some of PP2's bad points, they might seem minor, but would be fairly likely to turn into bigger issues if you did settle down, get married etc.) If you're looking at the goal of "marriage" then you're more prepared to overlook these points than if you are happy being self-sufficient and any man who comes along is a nice bonus.

craftyknickers Mon 10-Oct-11 19:34:27

PP2 doesnt sound very nice, if a man said to me he doesnt usually date women my size id go crazy at him probably cry!!

The sex might be amazing but how long would that last for?

whomovedmychocolate Mon 10-Oct-11 19:35:48

I don't see a problem with seeing both frankly. As long as you are honest about it.

But PP2 does sound a bit like a poo poo head now I have reread your OP. 'People your size' - is he an adonis or a dick?

Or you could just say 'woo hoo I have attracted two, let's hang on and see what PP3 is like eh' grin

Anniegetyourgun Mon 10-Oct-11 19:35:52

The usual response to this kind of question is "if you can't make your mind up between them, you shouldn't be with either of them". Sounds glib but there's a certain measure of wisdom to it. You should really only marry the man you feel you can't live without, not the one you feel you could probably live with.

And what they all said about PP2. Great shag, lousy life partner.

BumgrapesofWrath Mon 10-Oct-11 19:36:55

PP2 sounds very similar to someone I used to date. Talking from experience, don't get bowled over just because the sex is good. He also sounds like he could potentially be controlling.

BertieBotts Mon 10-Oct-11 19:37:02

Ah okay. xposted with your 19:27. Forget PP2. Too many red flags. See how things go with PP1 for now, but don't get carried away thinking about marriage, just enjoy each stage as it happens and always focus also on keeping other things in your life which make you happy, make you feel fulfilled etc, so you aren't relying on him as your sole source of happiness.

BertieBotts Mon 10-Oct-11 19:38:13

(Are you religious, BTW? You didn't say whether the religious bit was a pro or a con.)

HelpMeChoose Mon 10-Oct-11 19:39:21

I am supposed to be seeing PP2 this weekend, but I want to give PP1 a chance because I really feel as though there could be something good there, but have been put off by the fact that I met him online.. although he's much more the sort of guy I would go for usually.
I am thinking of making an excuse to not go so that I can see PP1 again. If something comes out of it, I don't want to have 'cheating' on my conscience..

It wasn't meant to be an emphasis on marriage per se, I just wouldn;t want to date a guy that didn't want to get married (one day.) It's not something I'd rush, but it's important that they want the same out of life as me..

yellowraincoat Mon 10-Oct-11 19:39:27

Was thinking PP2 all the way until I saw he thinks women should do housework.

For me (and this is only me, don't know what you like), the instance someone pulled out a chair for me would be the moment it was all over. Unless they're a waiter and it's their job. Even then. I'm perfectly capable of sitting down myself.

Agree with wmmc...see both. And others. As long as everyone knows the score, what's the problem.

stayforappledunking Mon 10-Oct-11 19:44:25


Most of what you say about pp2 relates to sex. It may be amazing now, but it may not always be! From your OP he sounds rather controlling, not just in bed but his beliefs regarding women. With your size mentioned, I wonder if down the line it would go from 'i dont usually date women your size' to 'lose weight'. He raises flags for me anyways.

PP1, I would focus on personally.

VeryLittleGraveEaters Mon 10-Oct-11 19:47:44

Red Flags all over PP2, I'm afraid...

"Amazing in bed but likes to always been in control and make me a bit sub, although I prefer not to be" Pushing you into sexual behaviour that you are unhappy with. Your sexual needs are secondary to his.

"Has told me that he doesn't usually date people 'my size' (16)" This is designed to wrong-foot you about your body and self-image. You are also supposed to feel inordinately grateful that he has made an exception for you

"Old fashioned, believes that cooking/cleaning etc is womans work.. and that woman are there 'to please men'" Sexist and potentially v. abusive. He regards women as inferior to men.

The 'to please men' line is straight out of Gorean Fantasy. Bin him now.

MysteriousHamster Mon 10-Oct-11 19:51:28

Like everyone else I see too many red flags with PP2.

It's not an either/or situation though. It's not PP2 or PP1. You can decide neither of them are 'it' and try to find someone who's amazing in bed and a good guy. And perhaps PP1 is this anyway! It's PP2 who has what seem like pretty concrete flaws at the moment.

One note of caution - will you tell PP1 about this relationship with PP2 one day, do you think? He might not like it to the point of not wanting to be with you. In one way irrelevant as if he's going to judge, don't worry about him anyway, but it's something to think about.

I would stop sleeping with PP2 while you investigate PP1.

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