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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

New Relationship - Red Flag?

59 replies

FancyNancy77 · 10/10/2011 13:28

Hi All

I'm a long time lurker here. Have been through all the ups and downs but never really had courage to post.
My relationship with my ExH broke down a year ago due to repeated Internet cheating - despite repeated promises he never stopped (he couldn't apparently - yeah right)

Anyway I'm on my own raising my 3 yr old. A few months ago I met a nice man. We get on well and he lives close by.

But . . .
He talks about his ex-wife a fair bit and it's so venomous. It's really off putting.He tells me all the details of their child custody battle and it's horrendous (plus a tad boring if I'm honest)
I'm a big girl and I know the men i date in my 30's are going to have pasts but it is the nasty way he speaks of her and her family that puts me off.
What is really going on for him?
he seems so gentle and kind until she comes up. I'm thinking I'm going to get rid.

I've tried to approach it with him and his response was very angry. I said "please don't get angry"
And he said "I don't get angry . . EVER". I think I touched a nerve.

Has anybody any experience with this? I'm not in physical relationship with him as I like to take things VERY slow on that front. Just kissing and stuff . . .

Thanks for allowing me to lurk for so long. I'm going to start giving something back now as I see all the people on here in pain over Internet cheating. I healed so much from reading the threads here over the past couple of years

OP posts:

Report

bubblegumpop · 10/10/2011 13:33

You know it's a red flag, that's why you asked.

Such venom and anger towards her, probably why she dumped him.

You are asking him so soon "please don't get angry".

Don't even bother.

CJ2010 · 10/10/2011 13:36

Be very wary, it sounds angry and not over his ex. It's very disrespectful for him to keep banging on about her, ask yourself this question, do you need this shit?

You deserve a man who is going to focus his attention fully on you and adore you. Move onwards and upwards!

JeremyVile · 10/10/2011 13:38

I always roll my eyes at the red flag stuff but this is not good.
He sounds horrible, or at the very least, a bore.

ImperialBlether · 10/10/2011 13:39

I'd be scared of him.

It may well be that his ex has treated him badly - who knows? The problem is that he clearly hasn't got over it and he clearly gets incredibly angry when you approach him.

Call it a day, now. You will need to think how to do this in a way that doesn't make him furious - I'd have friends nearby if I were you.

Pan · 10/10/2011 14:02

I suspect oyu are finding out why he is an 'ex' - angry, no self-awareness, indulgent, boring, disloyal, a bit tasteless.

Do the dumping thing asap so he has no reason to build up a catalogue of reasons to hate and be angry at you. The longer it goes on the messier it will be.

pictish · 10/10/2011 14:05

I agree - slagging off the ex to excess is not appealing and I would duck out before it goes much further.
If he asks, tell him exactly why - and don't be talked round.

Even if his ex is the bitch from Hell, it's really nothing to do with you, and there's no way he should feel so entitled as to make YOU absorb his anger about her.

I can guess exactly why she's an ex.

Pan · 10/10/2011 14:06

oh and everyone can seem sweetness and light whe nthere is no pressure. 'Character ' is revealed when pressure is brought to bear, and he isn't responding v. well.

JeremyVile · 10/10/2011 14:08

I was talking (well, emailing) a bloke the other night - only met him briefly recently, and after a perfectly civil, pleasant exchange I ended an email "I've enjoyed talking to you, night."

Next morning was met by a barrage of insinuations about my character, a catalogue of mistreatment he has endured at the hands of 'whores' and instruction not to cut him off like that again.

These people a re not worth trying to work out, get throught to or trying to understand.

They are social failures. Treat him as such and move on.

pictish · 10/10/2011 14:08

Kin ell jeremy!!

Pan · 10/10/2011 14:12

wow JV.

FancyNancy77 · 10/10/2011 14:13

Thanks everyone. It's just a no-brainer really. I know that now having read my post back. No wonder I made JeremyVile's eyeballs roll.

It's still strange to me how slow I am to figure out what it is about someone that makes me feel cruddy. It on;y really fell into place last night as I lestened to the same stories again. Still better a few months than a marriage and a few kids later!!!

Ah I don't think I'll do a dramtic departure/break-up. Maybe I'll just say I'm not ready or have met someone else. I can't be bothered correcting his behaviour.
I'm wise enough now to know he wouldn't listen anyway.

Thanks again

OP posts:

FancyNancy77 · 10/10/2011 14:16

Just reading the above. i've become very lazy really! Couldn't be arsed.

I'm thrilled with myself. I've come on in leaps and bounds. A year a go I would have tried to "make him better".

Yeah for me!!!

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 10/10/2011 14:18

Yeah for you indeed!

JeremyVile · 10/10/2011 14:22

Pan, pictish - I know!!

pictish · 10/10/2011 14:22

Absolutely yay for you!!

That's what these cretins rely on....soft hearted women who want to make them better.

FancyNancy77 · 10/10/2011 14:24

What does pictish mean? I'm Irish so may not get the lingo

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 10/10/2011 14:25

pictish is a poster....there, just above/below you

garlicScaresVampires · 10/10/2011 14:26

Thank you, Nancy, you've made me very happy!

I'm thrilled with myself. I've come on in leaps and bounds. A year a go I would have tried to "make him better". Yeah for me!!!

Oh, yes :) :)

pictish · 10/10/2011 14:29

I chose the username Pictish because I come from Scots pictish ancestry.
I even look pictish, being small and squat with sallow skin and black eyes.
My dh calls me 'little pict'.

Pan · 10/10/2011 14:31

I assume pictish is Scottish - the first recorded settlers in Scotland were known as Picts. Gaels were Irish, though there was/is a lot of mixing of the two across the Irish Sea.

FancyNancy77 · 10/10/2011 14:32

Oh sorry. I get it now. Duh!
Still at least I learned something about Scot ancestry

OP posts:

Pan · 10/10/2011 14:32

X-posts, I see!

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Pan · 10/10/2011 14:34

eg me. Irish ancestry, Scots-born. Gaelict.

seedlessgrape · 10/10/2011 14:35

Got to say that I disagree. A male friend of mine is exactly the same as you describe your man.

I know for a fact that his ex wife is a selfish and spiteful cow and she makes his life a complete nightmare. She is a money-grabbing bitch who hates the thought of him being happy and she will do anything to make him suffer, especially when it involves the children.

I have heard this guy talk to his current girlfriend (who I know he loves more than anything in the world) about his ex and, yes, it is with distaste and hatred and sheer anger, but that doesn't make him dangerous. It doesn't make him a social outcast and it certainly doesn't make him a bad boyfriend.

But, hey, the decision is yours.

JeremyVile · 10/10/2011 14:38

I didnt know you were a scot, pan. Still resident?

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