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What happens if someone turns out to not be what you thought?

(31 Posts)
KWL51 Mon 10-Oct-11 11:45:39

Xh and i were heading for a reconcilliation but I think that may now all be over.
He had a dubious past before we met, two children by two different women and didnt see them but did support them financially. I've never met the other children or mothers, and the 'children' are now into thier twenties.
Our children are almost 15 almost 10 and 5. Over the weekend the eldest asked some questions regarding the age of his eldest half brother, according to xh's dates and what he has always told me the eldest would be around 28 now with the younger about 23. well recently the elder got in touch with xh via fb, and according to his profile he is 24.
Obviosuly this person knows their own date of birth. wrt to ds1 i just told him the age and he went off to bed having had his question answered as far as hes concerned. I then asked xh how could this be right, as that would mean that the two realtionships overlapped? he got quite sharp with me and told me to leave it. I said I cant leave it as im now questioning, why xh would lie all these years. I know he paid as we've had a joint account since we moved in together, and s far as i was aware we'd never had any secrets from each other.

But the way hes got defensive and cagey over this make me feel that he's got something to hide.

I'm not sure if its relevant but we split as we were having a rough time financially and emotionally and I had depression and pushed him away, I wasnt aware that I had depression at the time, just thought everyone was against me and I was a loon basically! (now off ad's after four years of being on them)

I dont know if im being irrational and should just leave it as was before my time, he'd been honest in telling me about the other children (he split with the second woman as she cheated on him with his best friend and caught them together, the first woman was a casual relationship for the grand total of two weeks, or so he says) but i'm now doubting myself and him. I can't cut ties completley as we have children together but am now questioning if everything to do with trust was built on a lie.

kaluki Mon 10-Oct-11 11:49:33

It was a long time ago and before you met, but all the same I would be thinking if you have caught out this lie, how many more are there?
I think you should slam the brakes on your reconcilliation until you can be sure you can trust this man as his reaction to your questions seems shifty to me.

KWL51 Mon 10-Oct-11 11:55:20

thanks kaluki its not the other children ive alwasy known and accepted, accepted that he didnt see them, although did encourage him to make contact but decided it wasn't my argument to be involved in.
Its the trust that i think has gone and im actually really upset about it.

TheRhubarb Mon 10-Oct-11 12:04:12

Could be that he told you that lie so you wouldn't think he was a serial adulterer and once the lie is told, it's very hard to untell.

So he had a relationship with one woman before another was finished? If it was recent I'd be very wary, but this was 24 years ago. And I can understand why he'd be reluctant to tell you about it, can't you?

However of course it does make you question his stories about why those relationships broke up. I would just tell him that it's no big deal, it all happened years ago and you are not cross with him for lying, but you wouldn't mind hearing what happened. You have a right to know after all - these are your children's step-siblings so you don't want to come across as a fool when they ask you about them do you?

As for you reconciliation, it shouldn't stand in the way of that. Just be careful that he now doesn't put everything down to your depression or paranoia. You have 3 children there and you've not only been responsible for them but also you've had to cope with an illness - depression. So be kind to yourself and make sure that he does his fair share and that he is supportive. After all, would you leave him if he had an illness? Or would you be understanding even if he pushed you away? Depression can be hard for the other partner to understand so you need to let him know just how vital his love and support is to you right now and the times when you push him away are actually the times when you need him most.

Best of luck.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 10-Oct-11 12:08:04

If the other relationship was only for 2 weeks there isn't a lot of time to overlap so is it really relevant? Did he get the second woman pregnant while the first was expecting? My issue woule be unprotected sex.

tigermoll Mon 10-Oct-11 12:22:08

I am a bit confused at to the chronology:

first woman: mother of oldest child (24) two week r/ship
second woman: mother of second child (23), long-term, ended in her (allegedly) cheating on him.

So I'm assuming that he was in a r/ship with woman 2 before she got pregnant, then cheated on her with woman 1, who became pregnant. He stayed with woman 2 until after she had her baby, then left because he says she cheated on him.

It doesn't make him look good. If he's told you that the reason his relationship ended was because the woman cheated on him, (and now there is strong evidence that he cheated as well) then he wouldn't want you to know something that made him look like the bad guy.

JeremyVile Mon 10-Oct-11 12:25:14

Just the fact that he's told you to 'leave it' and getting spikey about you asking says to me he's an arse and not to be trusted.

Its a big thing, and he shouldnt be keeping you in the dark when its clearly something thats worrying you.

KWL51 Mon 10-Oct-11 12:36:36

My whole understading had been that when he was 16 he had a relationship of two weeks with woman 1, resulting in a baby. she told him that she was pregnant but she didnt want him to be invoved and had used him to have a baby. then several years later he was in a long term relationship with another woman who had two children from a previous marriage and they then had a child together and were stil together until the child was 18 months old, when the woman cheated on him with his friend who they were putting up as his wife had kicked him out (yes i know it sounds like something worthy of jeremy kyle)

It was then another 2 or 3 years until we met and another 2 years before we were pregnant.

But now it would appear that the women overlapped. That for me is an issue, as he has alwasy been very vocal on the subject of people who cheat and called friend of mine not very nice names when i told him they had cheated (and then split from partners/husbands).

I just could do without all of this. I did say that if he told me the truth and there had been an overlap but he was ashamed and didnt want to admit it, then time goes on and so harder to unsay what he had told me then i think thats something i could understand, but being told to leave it, makes me question what i really know.

TheRhubarb Mon 10-Oct-11 13:18:18

Well, taking the optimistic view - yes he lied because he knew it sounded bad. He couldn't take back the lie once told and he is now annoyed because he's been found out and not only has he been caught out as a cheater but as a long-term liar too.

However you need to remember that this was 24 years ago and if he has been faithful ever since, then I would dwell on that positive rather than a lie he told years ago.
I would still want the truth from him however.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Mon 10-Oct-11 15:51:45

he has alwasy been very vocal on the subject of people who cheat and called friend of mine not very nice names when i told him they had cheated

Reformed sinners often take a hard line with others who do what they once did.

Tell him you can understand why he may have found it expedient to airbrush his past, but that honesty is a bigger deal to you than what he may have done before you met.

If the following statement is the truth as far as you're conerned, tell him that he has nothing to fear from coming clean about his former relationshps at this late date.

mumsamilitant Mon 10-Oct-11 16:01:31

He was young and it was a very long time ago and like you said he didn't duck out of maintenance. I'd be more unhappy about him never seeing/ or trying to see the kids to be honest.

Maybe you're just not ready for a reconcilliation yet.

sunshineandbooks Mon 10-Oct-11 16:17:07

What's he been like as a partner generally? I think that's the most important question here.

If a reconciliation was on the cards before this, you've obviously had other problems. What were they about? Was he supportive of you when you were depressed, or was he partly responsible for you being depressed in the first place?

He's lied about relationships overlapping. He's got two children he's had nothing to do with (though the fact that he's paid maintenance for them goes in his favour). He's got defensive and cagey with you instead of apologetic when he's the one who's in the wrong. He doesn't sound great TBH.

OTOH it could be he feels terrible and is a great, upstanding guy who you would be mad to leave. But only you know which is most accurate. I think you have to look at your relationship as a whole. Have you considered marriage guidance counselling (by yourself initially maybe)?

Hope you find the right answer. smile

KWL51 Mon 10-Oct-11 17:44:22

Thanks everyone.

He didn't recognise that I was depressed (post natal) and neither of us did though as was only through speaking to a relationship counsellor that she diagnosed me and i then went to see the gp.

He has been a good father to our children and has continues to see them regularly throughout our seperation (we are divorced now) and had roughly 40/60 shared care at least every other weekend and a night or two midweek at least for the evening if not overnight. Does his share of holiday care etc as well.

We always had a tempestuous relationship either getting on very well lots of thought given to what I'd like / not like consulting me before making big decisions etc and also loving. We would have huge rows though over the smallest of things and we argue a lot over the freedom that our teenager is to be allowed.

Fwiw the younger of the children he did try to remain in contact but the ex made it difficult and stupidly he gave up fighting to see him. His mum has comfirmed this in the past but then again maybe she would?

One thing is this has made me think about what I want for the future and what's best for all of us. I am going to have a conversation with him face to face and let him know all I want is the truth.

TheOriginalFAB Mon 10-Oct-11 17:47:59

If he said he got with number 2 years after number 1 how does he explain the ages in the children (1 year apart in age?) and why did he lie?

KWL51 Mon 10-Oct-11 17:50:04

That's what I'm trying to find out fab.

nothaunted Mon 10-Oct-11 18:15:04

As you are midway in process of reconciliation then it sounds like you need to add this to your pile of things that you need to think about, the pair of you need to discuss, and he perhaps needs to understand why you want an answer to and an accurate timeline - not to beat him over the head with - but rather so that there are no skeletons in the family closet.
So wait a while til the dust has settled and then talk to him and perhaps put it from your DCs point of view. I have RL friend who is estranged from half bro and sis and its the kids who want to know about this aspect of the family now. It is reasonable that teenagers will want to find out the truth about their family and it's likely to crop up in their minds that they could bump into them or (Jeremy Kyle moment) end up going out with someone they don't know is related. So talk to him gently when time is right and say kids will need to know and therefore he needs to be prepared to discuss. He probably did lie, but he was v young and probably thought it was a white lie.

FabbyChic Mon 10-Oct-11 18:47:11

I think you have to consider he was very young.

just because he done something you don't agree with when he was 16 doesn't mean he is the same person now.

16 is child like.

sunshineandbooks Mon 10-Oct-11 20:01:05

Fabby - I don't think it's the original 'mistake' that's the issue here for the OP. I agree with you that 16 is very young and if you can't mess up at that age and be allowed to put it behind you and move on, when can you? However, he's lying about it now, 24 years later.

KarlaFromMoscowCentre Mon 10-Oct-11 20:07:59

I don't think this would be an issue for you at all if you didn't already have other issues. It almost seems like a displacement activity - like you're obsessing about a date discrepancy 23/4 years ago rather than think about things which are more current/closer to home. Were you anxious about the possible reconciliation before you found all this out, or were you excited? Did it feel like the right thing to do?

KWL51 Tue 11-Oct-11 07:52:26

It did feel right I am nervous about what we are doing to the children mentally having put them through a divorce even though it was pretty amicable.

I just want him to admit he made a mistake pretty understandable I'd you've not met someone to not remember the year of birth I suppose. The elder ones seems pretty ok with not ever having seen him, they now live 300 miles apart and are arranging to meet.

After a nights sleep on it I know that its not such a huge issue I just don't want to feel that there are any secrets. I've been 100% truthful with him even down to admitting my string of one night stands since we split up (always safe) so doubts on this starts me thinking what else has he lied about.
Also if the relationships overlapped he was 19/20 and not 16.

KWL51 Tue 11-Oct-11 07:53:26

String of makes me sound bad it was three different men! Not sure that makes it any better though blush

joblot Tue 11-Oct-11 09:17:40

Perhaps in the back of your mind is the issue of your kids wanting contact with their half siblings? How will ex handle that?

Landedgentry Tue 11-Oct-11 09:31:13

I disagree with the posts suggesting that as this was all so long ago, it doesn't matter. If he's lying and being defensive now, it matters a lot. It would make me wonder whether he's been unfaithful in your marriage too and that this is his reason for perpetuating the lie.

I also don't have any time for men who give up on their kids, or who claim that they were used as baby makers. It wouldn't matter how difficult someone made it for me, I would fight like crazy to see my kids and make a financial contribution to their lives.

I think the problem you've got here is that he won't take responsibility for his own actions.

mumsamilitant Tue 11-Oct-11 15:43:52

Hmm, this bare all "even when split up" honesty makes me frown.

I'd be inclined to tell him it was none of his business whilst you were apart and vice versa. What good can come of it?

Sounds a bit "point scoring" at the moment.

Sorry OP. And I also think Landedgentry has said some very very valid points.

I remember when dating anyone that said they didnt see their previous kids was struck off my list permanently.

KWL51 Tue 11-Oct-11 16:24:25

I know I would agree now with someone who didn't see their children being off my list but I was young and was swept along with being in love. I've come to the conclusion that actually I don't think I want to be back together again and that I've been quite laid back about everything as didn't want to jeopardise my children having a proper relationship with their father. I also believe I've given too much thought to how much easier life would be back with a high earner and the things that go along with it! Materialistic I know I work full time bit still don't have a lot of money left after paying rent bills etc and that includes the child maintnemce payments but money isn't the be all and end all and I need to wake up and remember how happy we've been as a family whilst apart.

Thank you everyone for making me think about other aspects of this.

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