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(6 Posts)
Lucyloo81 Mon 10-Oct-11 11:05:31


Just looking for some advice on what I should do - been with DH about 8 years, 2 kids under 4 who take up a lot of our time - no family support so pretty full on and not much 'us' time.

All throughout our relationship he has complained about wanting more sex and more kinky adventurous sex. Anyway, it goes up and down sometimes we have more and other times its a bit of a drought but thats kinda the way it goes when you have a young family I think.

Anyway, he has recently moved dept in work and started working with a lot of young students and he went on a night out with them recently, came home later than planned and started saying how he'd like to do that more often, every fortnight or something. I say ok, he's always been a flirty type but I want him to be happy and get nights out.

Problems comes as I happened to check his emails there and found an email with an attachment of two girls posing provocatively but not clothes off or anything. It was sent at 11.30pm on Friday night so whilst I was in bed. I check and turns out its someone he works with, I'm guessing one of these students as it looks like they're about to head off for a night out. We have had a bit of a sex drought recently as lots of illness, then he pesters, then I want it even get the picture.

Sorry for ramble - I'm just a bit shocked and not sure what to do with this info. Got to get the kids ready for preschool but will be about later.

Thanks if you manage to read all this..x

windsorTides Mon 10-Oct-11 11:27:05

I expect you're going to tell us that you don't have fortnightly evenings out while he looks after the kids?

And that whenever he has complained about sex not being frequent or adventurous enough, he hasn't asked you about your sexual needs or your fantasies?

That you do the majority of the housework and childcare, even when he's there?

That he fails to make the link between all this and why you're not permanently up for regular and adventurous sex and that when he pesters you to no avail, he becomes huffy and childish?

If so, then he is exactly the kind of man who is currently telling himself that he works hard and is entitled to his fun on the side and will tell himself that if you were more damned reasonable and put out more, he wouldn't need to.

I imagine you know all this, which is why you were looking at his private correspondence. You've had alarm bells ringing ever since he started his new job. But the alarm bells should have gone off long before now. If he's about to be cheat, this is just typical of a selfish man.

If you confront, look at the big picture here.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 10-Oct-11 11:45:42

I agree with WT (are you WWIFN in disguise??).

This is the kind of behaviour cheaters often display.

You may find looking at Shirley Glass's website useful (which has a few quizzes) - she wrote Not Just Friends which I found very helpful.

You both need a good talk about boundaries with regards to socialising, contact with people at work etc. Remember that 50% of the responsibility for addressing the weaknesses in your marriage is your OH's so don't take all the blame for a lacklustre sex life. Often cheaters look for justifications to have an affair and manipulate things accordingly (e.g make passes at you when you are in the middle of doing something so he knows you will reject him).

Lucyloo81 Mon 10-Oct-11 18:49:03

Sorry for the big delay in replying - he called me from work and could tell something was wrong so came home and we've been having big discussions.

To answer your questions, he's not as you would think windsorTides - I prob get a least as many nights out as him, he does his share of the housework (more or less!), is interested in what I want in bed etc etc.

The problem is boundaries I think - he is a flirt, I know that, we met working in an office and even after we began dating he still flirted with another girls (and guys) in front of me.

He has this girl's mob no and they had been texting in the evenings once I was in bed. He swears it was all just banter/chat - obviously the problem is how do I know that. Problem is he moved here to be with me and so doesn't really have many friends so I think gets bored and lonely. Have talked about him filling his time more and trying to meet up with some friends.

Feeling better after a long talk about reconnecting and doing more together in the evenings and he's going to get rid of this girl's no. I send her an email asking her to stop sending my husband photos and to back off. He swears that he is not the sort to have an affair (don't they all!) and that if it got to that stage that he wanted something to happen he would just break up with me - I kinda believe him. I think it was largely just an ego boost. Still more talking to do but I want to believe it can work.

Thanks for taking the time to reply though as its not the sort of thing I really want to discuss with any rl friends.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 10-Oct-11 19:21:10

Keep talking and do have a look at the quizzes on the website I mentioned - it will help with discussions re boundaries.

Good luck.

lostinafrica Mon 10-Oct-11 20:03:33

He sounds like my DH who has always been "flirtatious" too, and came pretty close to having an affair with a woman at work something between one and two years ago. I am only just beginning to trust him again now, even though I'm pretty sure it was all just words and nothing more. A month or so ago, I blew up about it all again and I think he was completely surprised that it was still an issue for me. We just keep talking it through once every four months or so. And I do check his texts every now and then, too... Not obsessively or anything. Just occasional checks that my trust is well placed.

Sounds like you're doing the best thing and talking, talking. I'm still trying to work out what I think about flirting. How far before it becomes unacceptable - or dangerous? Still, because of my reactions, DH takes it more seriously and sees the harm of it much more than he would have done a few years ago.

Good luck.

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