Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I in the wrong?

(34 Posts)
loserface Mon 10-Oct-11 08:09:58

Background: ExP was a complete headfuck who also happened to have an obsession with porn. I would find bags full of page 3 pictures he'd saved up, coutless magazines, serious amounts of history of porn on the laptop and would enjoy watching porn before and after sex. Obviously all that has given me a bit of fear over porn.

DP and I have spoken about this, he seemed to understand at first why I had a big problem with it and tended not to look at it apart from the odd time I caught him out. Over the past couple of years I've come a long way to accepting that porn isn't a terrible thing and have managed to watch a couple of videos with DP but its not something I want to do often as I still feel a bit funny with it. Told DP that I didnt mind if he watched it a bit so long as he doesn't take the piss with it or start to replace me with it. We came to a kind of agreement that once or twice a month would be an ok amount.

I know its wrong but I have done a bit of snooping to see how often he is actually using it and have found he is actually using it basically any night that we dont have sex and in the mornings when I refuse to wank him (he likes a wank every morning, I'm always to tired 'cos I hate mornings sad). Caught him with his hands down his pants and his phone in his hand last night and I blew up. I feel like he's totally abused my trust and now he's trying to turn it round on me saying that he asked yesterday and today for sex but I didnt want it so he has to use something.
Sorry to dripfeed but we are also trying to come out of a rocky patch with sex. I've not been wanting much of it as I'm on AD's that have completely got rid of my libido. I have been making more of an effort recently though but he conviently forgets every time we have sex and says we've it had it for weeks.

I feel like crap, I dont know how I'm ever going to get over the whole porn thing if I cant trust what he's saying. Do all men lie when it comes to porn? Am I over reacting?

Sorry if its been a ramble, feels good getting it off my chest though, to embarrassing to talk about in RL.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Mon 10-Oct-11 08:43:33

Is your username a reflection of your self-esteem? Your post also seems to have a lot of putdowns of yourself in it.

Sweetheart, your view of porn is your own. You are allowed to have your own feelings about it. No-one can tell you that you are "wrong" or "over-reacting" when it's your feelings you are expressing.

Of course you and your partner can disagree about what, if any, amount of porn is acceptable. But as long as you are sure of yourself, you are not wrong to have the feelings you have.

madonnawhore Mon 10-Oct-11 08:43:46

He likes a wank every morning? From you? Even if you don't really feel like it? And what does he do for you in return? Nothing I bet.

Maybe I'm being naive, but that's not normal, is it ladies? For someone to demand their partner wanks them every morning?

No wonder you've got no libido, OP. It's because you're living with a selfish knob, not because you're on ADs.

Reading between the lines I think you have a bigger issue here than just the porn.

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 10-Oct-11 08:46:47

I'm sorry but he sounds awful. How can he do this and behave like this when he knows you have issues about it?

You are with a man who does not care about you and your feelings. I'm not surprised you have no libido. It doesn't sound like sex in your relationship is about you or your needs, but it is all about him and what he wants.

This is nothing to do with 'normal' and everything to do with him being selfish and inconsiderate.

windsorTides Mon 10-Oct-11 08:59:38

It sounds as though you have swapped one total wanker for another tbh.

Trust your instincts more. You didn't need to do a job on yourself to "convince yourself that porn isn't terrible" and I wonder why you did that?

Your partner is a porn addict, if he is using it this much. It's also no surprise at all that he feels entitled to sexual relief and that sex is all about his pleasure, because I'm sure the porn he watches just reinforces that sex is all about men and their pleasure.

Don't accept the counter-accusation that he only uses it if you refuse sex. That's a lie and like your ex's behaviour, a total headfuck.

I have a feeling you wouldn't need anti-depressants or have any concerns about your libido, if you got rid of this horribly selfish wanker.

loserface Mon 10-Oct-11 09:02:01

He has a very high sex drive and would like to have sex/a wank every morning and sex every night in an ideal world. We have spoken at length about this and came to agree that a reasonable amount would be 2 or 3 times a week. He would quite happily pleasure me every morning aswell but obviously I really cant be arsed with it. He is a generous lover but he just wants it sooo bloody much, I dont think I can live up to it sad

windsorTides Mon 10-Oct-11 09:11:24

I think that's what he wants you to think, which is why I say this is a total headfuck. I bet if you called his bluff and asked for sex every morning and night, especially sex that was focused on your orgasm and not his, he would retreat to his porn fantasy world.

Has he ever done that incidentally - pleasured you and gone without himself? Ever decided that this time it would be all about you and your pleasure?

Contrast that with how many times you've had sex without an orgasm.

GypsyMoth Mon 10-Oct-11 09:26:00

Windsor....... Funny you should say that! I once tried that with my ex( very much like your ex op by the sounds of it !!) anyway, there was no way he could keep up with my demands( they were false, I didn't want it twice a day but was testing to see what would happen)

He couldn't. And the excuses!!! Laughable.

Its the porn they want ime, not endless sex with same partner

windsorTides Mon 10-Oct-11 09:33:36

grin @ Tiffany

But the reason men do this is because they know this plays right into all the harmful stereotypes of men needing sexual relief, men having higher libidinous impulses and all men using porn. All of the last 3 statements are complete bollocks and need challenging most vigorously.

loserface Mon 10-Oct-11 09:46:22

How do I challenge this then? I cant be arsed with arguments, I just want him to see that I'm a human being, not a sex toy. He even admitted once that he see's me as a peice of meat shock, he talked his way out of it in the end but it still hurts to be refferred to as that.

To be honest I feel like I'm getting to the point where I dont know if I want to carry on. I just dont know if I could hack it on my own with DS though, dont know how I'd cope.

bubblegumpop Mon 10-Oct-11 09:52:48

He even admitted once that he see's me as a peice of meat This is why I always tell people on here, along with others. When a man tells you who he is listen, and people don't.

He has told you loud and clear what he thinks of women, you have gone from one wanker to another.

Dump him, and get help for yourself. Your self asteem is obviously trashed. Don't date again, until you have fine tuned your wanker radar. Also until you have the confidence to say no, this makes me unhappy, there is the door. When you find you are dating a loser.

Don't be desperate for a man, so any will do. This is how women end up like this. You need help to be strong by yourself and to realise you don't need a man.

giyadas Mon 10-Oct-11 09:53:36

I think you'd do far better on your own than staying with someone who barely acknowledges your humanity.
And staying with him stops you meeting someone who will treat you properly.
You are perfectly entitled to your views on porn (and any other subject too) don't let him belittle them.
Your disquiet about porn is understandable because it is essentially a big sign around his neck saying that he doesn't respect women, and he feels entitled to use them as sex toys. He sounds like a lost cause.
Find someone better.

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 10-Oct-11 09:54:17

It sounds like there is absolutely no point in challenging him. I'm not a member of the 'leave him' brigade, but - honestly - I can't see why on earth you would want to continue this relationship. Sorry sad

PeppermintPumpkin Mon 10-Oct-11 09:58:27

I think windsor is right-you've got a man here who shares traits with your ex. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone else's you know. Your post reads as if you have very little confidence and aren't sure what's right or wrong. As has been said-trust your instincts. I know it's difficult when you're constantly being told what's normal(ie for him) and therefore you should just accept it and/or participate in it. FWIW, I think this "high sex drive" stuff is just a crock of shit-all the men I've slept with have had different levels of keenness when it comes to sex, and most of them have woken up with a stiffie.

What they haven't done is wank every morning, they just haven't. Now, I'm not saying that's wrong, but there are ways and means of doing your own thing without making your partner feel crap or obligated to "sort you out"!

In short, you're not in the wrong-it's your decision what you do when it comes to sex.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Mon 10-Oct-11 10:00:13

This:

He even admitted once that he see's me as a peice of meat

Means that you won't be able to obtain that:

I just want him to see that I'm a human being, not a sex toy.

Don't waste your time and energy on trying: you'll only be losing a bit more of your soul, and using time and energy that could be better used elsewhere. Such as on noticing that in no way are you a "loserface".

PeppermintPumpkin Mon 10-Oct-11 10:00:34

oh christ I just saw the piece of meat comment. We all make dodgy choices sometimes OP, maybe you should just admit this and cut and run, he sounds like a total and utter wanker(no pun intended) I am shocked at that comment.

windsorTides Mon 10-Oct-11 10:04:10

Oh FFS, why on earth do you think that having this bloke is preferable to being single? Of course you'd manage on your own, especially as your depression would lift and you'd get your libido back.

Don't bother challenging him, because it won't work. He's told you what he is and how he views not just you, but all women.

Challenge yourself and ask yourself what led you to accept such horrible behaviour, just so that you could have a man in your life.

If you've got children, either with or without this idiot, then you are giving them a disgraceful male role model. Take responsibility for that and tell this bloke to sling his hook.

SecondRow Mon 10-Oct-11 10:14:29

You don't have to reluctantly accept porn as part and parcel of your relationship, never mind an everyday part. There are plenty of us out there for whom porn plays NO part at all in our relationships. Seriously, you are allowed set your own values and stick to them.

EricNorthmansMistress Mon 10-Oct-11 10:15:23

He's using porn twice a day several days a week? That's an addiction. He pressurises you into sex you don't want (I don't masturbate my partner unless we are having a mutually satisfactory sex session - his right hand is quite adequate for a quick wank) and sees you as a piece of meat. Ugh. I honestly don't understand how women can live with men who treat them as objects. My H has a high sex drive, he would like to have sex at least once a day if I was up for it, but he is quite capable of shutting down his libido if I'm not - or going to have a private wank. As a result he gets far more sex than he would if he pressured me, as I find I do actually want to have sex with him.

ImperialBlether Mon 10-Oct-11 10:55:13

He's absolutely vile. You can't possibly carry on living with this idiot.

loserface Mon 10-Oct-11 12:14:11

It sounds worse written down than what he's like in RL. He stopped watching porn for me for about a year as I was so uncomfortable with it. I can understand that it seems normal for him to watch it as he's been using it since he was a teen so it was quite a big thing for him to stop. It's not so much the watching of porn that has bothered me, its the fibbing of how often it's actually been that pisses me off most. I cant stand lies, I despise them 'cos they just spoil everything. I really thought we had come quite far with having trust in our relationship. It wasn't something that came easy to either of us but we both worked hard to get us to a good trusting point.

It's easy enough to say just leave him but it's not so easy in RL. I have no job and nowhere to go. Even if I did try and find a job I cant imagine anyone wanting to employ me 'cos I've got nothing going for me. I'm not putting myself down its just true, 3 passing GCSE's to my name and a bit of call centre work, thats it. How would I be able to support DS with that?

buzzskeleton Mon 10-Oct-11 12:22:06

You'd be entitled to top-up tax credits, housing & council tax benefit. Check out the calculator on the 'entitled to' website.

Currently you have a bloke who treats you like a piece of meat and has even said that's how he sees you, which is pretty much what your ex was like. How do you know for sure he gave up porn for a year? Really hmm?

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Mon 10-Oct-11 12:24:05

None of what you wrote is false, so if it "sounds worse written down" it's perhaps because you haven't looked at it head-on before, and that is a strange new way to look at your relationship.

He stopped using porn for a year... then started up again? Why?

If lies are against your values (rightly so), how can you square staying with him with remaining true to yourself and your values?

What kind of tax credits etc are you entitled to as a single mother? Are you certain that no-one would possibly hire you? is that really plausible?

bubblegumpop Mon 10-Oct-11 12:25:41

It sounds worse written down than what he's like in RL It's called denial.

He is a tosser, your last one was a tosser, spotting a pattern yet? He called you a piece of meat. He isn't going to get better.

But you've got to want to help yourself. Hard when you have been run into the ground, but that's why you are getting men like this.

It's better to be by yourself, that to be with a man like this. You need to realise that. If you can't or won't.

Then this is your life, this is it forever, living with a man who makes you feel so down and teaching your children this is what life is about.

It's up to you. But you need help, speak to your gp. You need to get yourself out of this rut. Get your independence back, stop being reliant on shitty men, this is causing all this, get some self esteem. Stand on your own two feet. Many other women manage it, so why not you?

Or spend the rest of your days with someone who dosen't actually like you.

kaluki Mon 10-Oct-11 12:26:29

Words actually fail me!!! shock
I don't have a problem with porn at all but I would be quite pissed off if it was used as a weapon like this. He is using all your insecurities against you and that is so cruel.
He uses porn because he likes porn - its not because you won't give him what he wants needs. That is just an excuse.
And no, it isn't right that he expects you to wank him off every morning.
You can leave him. You don't have to stay with someone who treats you like this, he sounds vile.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now