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Is it just my H that does this? If not, does it piss you off too?

(28 Posts)
Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-11 01:36:04

He has a habit of really playing down the little things that I sometimes have to do for/with the kids. Such as dropping off forgetten lunches/PE kits/Swimming bags, party drop offs and pick ups, bathtime when combined with nit combing hmm, etc. "Well it only takes 5 minutes..." actually no it doesnt, as I have to get the baby out too and we all know how long that can take! And nit combing takes an hour per child as they all have v long hair.

But when he does any of the above himself, he wants the Victoria effing Cross! He does it, and will often offer to do it, its nice that i dont have to ask. Its the fucking martyred air he takes on that drives me up the frigging wall, that and the fact that I am a SAHM so he never has to take the baby with him, just grabs his coat and off he goes. Oh and bringing it up in a row, until I point out that he isnt "helping me out", we are a family and therefore everything is 50/50 unless he counts me cooking his dinner or doing his washing as helping HIM out. Funnily enough, he always backs down after I say that! When he does the martyr bit I say back to him what he says to me "oh but it only takes 5 minutes!" with a wry smile so he knows I am taking the pee, but really, it does bug me.

But my perception is a bit off as we have had a bad time in the last 3 months, so if I am over reacting then I would appreciate being told!

SilveryMoon Mon 10-Oct-11 02:24:02

My dp does this too. Well, not exactly this because he never really does any of it himself just always digs that I am making a big deal of small jobs.
A while ago, on housework day, I was hoovering and he followed me around mopping the floor. I said thank you and told him it made all the difference having an extra pair of hands etc and he said "well, it's no big deal, only takes 10 minutes"
But if it's no big deal, why doesn't he do it every week?
Men. They are without a clue

Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-11 03:07:00

Did you ask him that? I would hand him the mop next time! He made a rookie mistake there grin

twankie Mon 10-Oct-11 05:52:14

it's usual..actually I think it's worse than this..I think they don't see the half of what we do most times..that's invisible them at least..

CheerfulYank Mon 10-Oct-11 06:00:43

My DH does it too. He seems to feel that everything housework related is my job as I only WOTH part time. And yet if I'm gone for a day or two, the house is a complete disaster when I come back. When I ask him about it I get a wounded look and "I was watching/playing with DS..."


countingto10 Mon 10-Oct-11 06:38:12

I found leaving them all alone with the DCs for a whole weekend tended to get the message over loud and clear with him begging to go to work on the Monday "for a rest" grin.

Once my DH actually started to drive off in the car whilst I was strapping a baby in hmm - he was extremely sheepish afterwards as it was obvious then what a luxury getting yourself in a car and just driving off was!!!!!

Catslikehats Mon 10-Oct-11 06:42:58

Oh yes! Last weekend DH took DC2 shopping and came back proclaiming that it was "fun" (fucker grin !)

His error. This weekend I will be going out for a lovely girlie lunch and will leave the three DC's with him a long with a shopping list. See how much fun shopping with two kids that wont stop fighting and a 7mth old is. Fool grin

Adversecamber Mon 10-Oct-11 08:34:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ArtVandelay Mon 10-Oct-11 08:56:16

counting - thats so true. I'd had a big night out on Saturday and was consequently very "tired" yesterday. DH took DS out, played with him and organised all the food and chores/cleaning. It proved 2 things, 1 that he can do all this with no input from me and 2, that its exhausting. Especially how DS sabotages all efforts to keep place clean and tidy and thinks of strange and dangerous things to do all the time.

Bogey can you just leave him to it every now and then?

windsorTides Mon 10-Oct-11 09:28:02

Your perception isn't off at all. This is just entitled, selfish male behaviour you're describing and nothing else. I think I know from your name why you've been having such a rough time lately and there is a link between the two situations.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 10-Oct-11 10:58:15

This kind of behaviour is no longer tolerated in my H - it was the kind of thing that he used to do and after we almost split up (due to his affair), selfish behaviour was one of the individual weaknesses he had to address.

blackeyedsusan Mon 10-Oct-11 11:39:23

my h once thanked his dad for coming with him to take dd out whilst we decorated, as looking after her on his own is boring!

he also thought I had all the time in the world to go to/ring this that or the other place, yet struggled on a saturday morning to look after children and wash up, whilst I was catching up on sleep from "night duty"

they drive you insane with the "i have done a nappy for you" trite.... no you have done a nappy for YOUR dd. grrrr

kaluki Mon 10-Oct-11 11:43:33

My ex was like this...which is why he is an ex.
He once said to me "to be fair YOU don't wash the clothes, the washing machine does, all you have to do is load and unload it!"

mistlethrush Mon 10-Oct-11 11:47:53

My DH once got shirty (pun intended) with me because when I hung the washing up in the evening (run dehumidifier in bathroom, so can dry laundry overnight) I left his shirts for him to do. He thought I was being unreasonable. However, he rapidly agreed that he was being unreasonable when I suggested that, perhaps, I could start only hanging ALL of my own washing up and leaving him to do his and Ds's. He also stopped commenting on what I did when I was at home on maternity leave after I left him with a list of what I normally did with ds when I had to go away for a day - he managed some of it, but not all, and didn't actually manage anything in the house at all.

CroissantNeuf Mon 10-Oct-11 11:50:03

DP recently found out 'quite what it is that I do during the day' when it didn't get done.

When I broke my ankle I had to rest for the first week whilst I got used to the plaster/pain/crutches etc, so I didn't do my usual things around the house (washing, cleaning, running around tidying up, sorting out lunch boxes, making sure the DCs had what they needed for school...the list is endless as I'm sure you all know!). I also obviously couldn't do the shopping, swimming run or any ferrying around of children etc.

Believe me, that week was a bit of an eye opener to him.

DISCLAIMER - obviously, I don't recommend breaking your ankle to get you DP/DHs to appreciate what you do wink

Booooooyhoo Mon 10-Oct-11 11:54:22

i am no longer with EXP (for this amongst other reasons) but i used to get this aswell. we had a less usual set-up in that he is forces so i was the only parent there 90% of the time, i worked part-time aswell until mat leave, but when he was off on leave (could be anything from a weekend to 8 weeks in one chunk) everything would still be my job. i remember one weekend he came home around lunch time while i was still at work, he didn't offer to collect ds1 from nursery, he just went on home, so i collected ds as usual, got home around 6pm to find him on the sofa playing the PS3, the washing still on the line, his bag dumped at the bottom of the stairs and no dinner even started. he had been home for 5 hours at this point and nothing had been done. he always used to pull the "i never know what needs done" card, saying that because he was away all the time he didn't know what jobs needed done and didn't want to mess with my routine. i told him that it was pretty simple in that we all needed to eat everyday, we all needed clean clothes everyday and we all needed to clean up after ourselves everyday. which basically covers, making a meal if you are there, doing a wash if there is one there and washing up any dishes, tidying anything you have been using. but no, he still needed to be asked (with growing resentment) to run the hoover round, fold the washing off the line, put his own shoes in his own wardrobe!!

as i said, he is now an EX but i do worry about how it will work in any new relationships i am in. my best friend and her husband seemed to naturally gel really well and both of them just 'do' whatever needs done without any expectation that the other should have done it. that's what i hope for if i ever do meet anyone new.

Spero Mon 10-Oct-11 11:58:25

Kaluki, ha ha, same here.

Seriously, nip this in the bud. If he is so stupid he really cant understand the reality of the work you do I am surprised you want to stay with him or breed with him.

It is NOT endearing to have an adult male completely ignorant of the work needed to maintain a household and what is worse, to then criticise you for not agreeing with just how easy it all is.

Take frequent opportunities for long periods out of the house andlet him get on with it.

Otherwise you will be left with some irritating man child who thinks it is beneath him to understand how towels get clean and where they go once cleaned. My ex had not noticed in TWO YEARS where the clean towels went. Hence he is now my ex. These apparently trivial examples are, in my view, just the tip of an iceberg of potentially relationship destroying misogyny and contempt.

kaluki Mon 10-Oct-11 11:58:28

Boooyhoo it took me a long time to get used to living with DP when we met, as he just does things around the house without any fuss. I was constantly expecting him to throw it in my face when he helped me, like the ex did, but he didn't, and never has.

Booooooyhoo Mon 10-Oct-11 12:18:41

yes kaluki that is what worries me is that i wont expect any better than what i had so will then accept it again when i get it.

i am training my dcs (both boys) to notice things. like the loo roll needing replaced, my older boy is 6 and will say things like "it's not my job, you're the mum" but i am gently trying to show him how we are all responsible for keeoing the house running because if we all expected someone else to do it then there would be no toilet roll when he needed to wipe his bum grin at the minute i am just bringing him back to change the roll when i see he has left it empty but i think i may have to not remind him once and let him be in the not so great situation of having nothing to wipe with!

Almostfifty Mon 10-Oct-11 12:22:22

I've never had any bother with my OH, he was always good at doing stuff when he was home. One time I was in hospital for a minor op, left him a list of stuff to do while the boys were at school and nursery.

When he came to get me that evening he told me he couldn't believe all the stuff I did everyday and that working was a walk in the park in comparison...

This from a man who works ten hour days and then some.

ExitPursuedByaBear Mon 10-Oct-11 12:23:08

It's a man thing though isn't it. Constantly needing praise for everything they bloody do. If I leave something out ready to go in the oven, covered with foil, then phone him to tell him to put it in the oven, and to set the timer, then take it out and put it in the bottom oven, he always asks if he did it right. As if there is any possiblity of doing it wrong ffs. And he then wants credit for the meal...... Riles me every time.

cecilyparsley Mon 10-Oct-11 12:34:09

I dont think it's necessarily a man thing, just a way of getting power and control, minimising the other persons contribution is a way of giving yourself more weight and power in any kind of interaction or negotiation

Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-11 13:31:50

Dont get me wrong, he does do an awful lot. He does alot for the kids, makes the lunches cos I hate doing it, will put a load of laundry on if some needs doing etc and I can go out of the day (say), perfectly happy in the knowledge that everything will get done. I know that if the worst should happen, he could cope and cope well, alot better than other fathers I know.

He says he is happy to do these things, but there is always the implication that he is helping me out! And the attitude that somehow he has achieved something amazing that gets up my nose! Its hard to describe why I am annoyed really, he does easily his fair share in the house, usually doesnt have to be asked, and does things to a good standard. But I hate the over riding sense of him somehow doing me a favour!

Thzumbiewitch Mon 10-Oct-11 13:50:39

It's definitely bloody annoying, that's for sure! DH is of the "I did x for you" variety as well. I unfailingly point out that no, he did it because it needed doing, not as a special favour to me hmm.

I am a slack housekeeper anyway so housework usually gets left to me - but I have instigated a strict rota for cooking dinner and washing up. It's alternate - and if someone decides to leave it for a day, that's fine, they just have double the amount next day. I had to do this because DH was getting to a point of "i'll do it at the weekend" which was just disgusting and I'd end up washing up 5 or 6 days out of 7 - so the strict rota was brought in. Now it's never left longer than a day because of the pile-up situation. Alternate days for cooking dinner was a step on from DH always cooking dinner (something I started insisting on as payback for him never doing any night work with DS). As Ds got older, and nights were less interrupted, I agreed to go halves on the dinner - because frankly, DH does SFA else in the house apart from cooking and washing up, so I'd go mad if he didn't even do that.

I am pretty anal about my laundry so I don't ask him to do that - but it would be nice if he noticed the washing on the line and thought about bringing it in for me (nae chance!) He still doesn't "know" where stuff is - although if he was left to himself I'm sure he'd be able to tax his brain sufficiently to find it easily enough. Nothing is exactly hidden! He's just a lazy arse, who has been made that way by a rolloved mum who always did everything for her boys because "it was easier".

DS will be taught VERY differently, oh yes - but he still has a bad example in front of his eyes.

I did smile today though - we (DH and I) had a discussion about who was in charge in the house and DS (3.10) very definitely proclaimed it to be Mummy. grin

Catslikehats Mon 10-Oct-11 14:09:05

It's not a power and control thing with my DH- I think he simply doesn't care as much about "housekeeping" as I do. He'll do stuff that is pressing but the rest as and when. There are also things that he "does" e.g. Kids' lunchboxes (thank god!) and things that simply never occur to him e.g he is a 30-something professional with a cupboard full of pressed linen but will sleep in a bed without sheets rather than put fresh ones on. Grim!

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