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after-effects of affair- crying after sex?

(22 Posts)
honey0108 Sun 09-Oct-11 22:51:06

I've posted before about trying to forgive and forget after an affair. I found out almost a year ago now and still trying to make things work. Problem is every time we finish having sex I just burst out crying. In those moments post-coital when you feel so close and vulnerable I start to think this is what he felt with her, was the sex better?, is he comparing us?, to know he was snuggled up with her with them telling each other they loved each other. All of this just rushes into my head and I cant seem to stop it. He holds me and tries to comfort me but I know it makes him feel awful. Its getting to the point where he thinks twice about initiating sex because he doesn't want to upset me. Has anyone else experienced this or have any idea how I can make it stop? It is so distressing, especially as we have made so much progress in other areas?

Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-11 00:07:34

Have you had counselling to help you work through his affair?

If this happens every single time you have sex, that would indicate that there is something you havent dealt with yet, that only comes out at that time. It has only been a year, but if you are still reacting in the same way then I think perhaps some professional help would be good.

Thinking of you, I am 3 months post "finding out" and cant bring myself to have sex with him at all!

pastawine Mon 10-Oct-11 00:18:16

you really do need to go to counselling i would suggest, the affair is obviously still eating away at you, the only way to over come an affair is to deal with it and move on fully.

i would phone relate, and both go. its none judgemental and will help you both work through your feelings.

good luck

doinmybest Mon 10-Oct-11 09:11:37

Im 2 months in and things seem to be going 'well'.
I find I get more emotional when we've had a nice day out with the kids or been out for a meal. I think the emotional side of the affair hurt me more than the sex. He has said they only had sex a few times but I understand what you mean about the 'closeness' they shared.
Bogeyface - once we'd decided to stay together we just couldn't keep our hands off each other but Ive been told its called hysterical bonding.

Aislingorla Mon 10-Oct-11 10:26:10

Lovely, brave women here!
Honey,
I am 2 years post discovery(!) and it's been full of highs and lows but things are a a lot smoother and settled now and I feel much more secure.My upsets/angry bouts are much less frequent.
Good advice re counselling. I found ours on the NHS (2 lots of 6 sessions!).I found reading as many books on Relationships as I could get my hands on really helped too and confided in 2 close friends only (a lots of 2's going on here!)

Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-11 19:07:25

doin yes, we did the hysterical bonding bit, but then I went the other way and cant face it at all.

honey0108 Mon 10-Oct-11 19:55:37

thanks for replies! I have just started individual counselling ( 2 Sessions so far ). I mentioned it briefly at end of last session and her suggestion was to stop having sex as she thought I wasnt ready to give that part of myself to him. But I enjoy sex and do feel ready, its only when its over it all seems to come flooding back in a rush of emotion. Also, the hysterical bonding thing, thats how I felt when we got back together, but he didnt seem to. I think it took him a while to get over OW, he had said he loved her and PD he said things were over between us as I would never get over what he'd done, and he stayed in a relationship with her, but he stayed in the family home as nowhere else to go, and so close to xmas we didnt want kids upset. Only when it came to him looking at flats after xmas (about 6 weeks later) did he realise that he didnt want to be without me. He has said all the right things etc etc but I guess I just cant believe that he still loves me / finds me attractive, no matter what he says or does. Doesnt help that she was a 19 yr old dollybird, whilst I am a 38 yr old mum of 3 full of stretch marks, cs scars, boobs ruined from bf ! etc. Just wish I could feel he loved me the way I did before. sad

pastawine Mon 10-Oct-11 22:54:45

how about looking into counselling as a couple? i think you need to hear why he is still with you.

fwiw, it was me who had an affair, before i get flamed (ive been with my dh 22 years, 2 kids), i had an brief affair after a trauma in my life 17 years ago,it was after something terrible that happened to one of my children, (one of my children became gravely ill, and my DH left me alone to deal with that, we seemed to grow apart afterwards) i had no idea what i was doing i just need an escape, i wanted out of my life.

but when the shit hit the fan my DH was incredible, we went to counselling as a couple, we talked and talked, we examined our feelings, we looked at external factors, we looked at the whys and the wherefores, we understood what had happened, we put it to bed, and moved on, and to his absolute credit he has never once brought it up again, and nor have i. i was so ashamed, but i think because we did counselling as a couple he heard me when i told him why i was with him, and why what had happened had happened. He was not totally blameless in the break down of our relationship and he took responsibility for his part in that.
i do believe that the counselling as a couple saved us. We both learned alot from it. i knew i couldnt live a day without seeing him, i had my own guilt to deal, the only way i think you can get past an affair is to do exactly that - get past it. I dont think you can get past it any other way than by exhausting all the questions, talking it through and then. finally, letting it go. I think if it keeps rearing its head then its very hard to move on, thats why i think counselling is invaluable.

i was very lucky in that we both managed to do that. I hope i dont get flamed for admitting this, i just wanted to be honest.

i wish you both lots of luck and i hope it works out for you op.

Proudnreallyveryscary Mon 10-Oct-11 23:02:45

Sorry nothing to say of help, only that your posts have touched me and I feel for you so much. You come across as a warm, kind person. I would like to say something about him having an affair a 19 year old but I don't think it would be helpful. I have stretch marks times a million and boobs down to my knees and I genuinely feel more attractive and valuable than a pert boobed silly-headed teenager - I hope you get to that point too and I hope your dh makes you feel like the fabulous, attractive woman you ar.! Keep up with the counselling and good luck x

Proudnreallyveryscary Mon 10-Oct-11 23:03:28

oh dear lots of typos, but you get my drift!

honey0108 Mon 10-Oct-11 23:33:33

pasta , thanks for being honest. He doesnt believe in counselling so wont come with me, but i may push on that one. As for reasons why, he's always said it was nothing to do with me in that he never stopped loving me.He says it was a work friendship (they worked nights in a bar), sharing lifts led to her asking him in for a drink, which eventually turned into a relationship. He mostly only saw her in work and went to hers, so i never knew as i would be asleep and he would get in before i woke up. He says he was flattered by the attention, she mostly chased him, she didnt know about me sad, and things got out of control. he says he tried to stop it several times but was difficult as they worked together and she lived in next street to us (another thing i cant forgive). he says at the time it felt like he was in love with her but he's not now and thinks he was possibly just infatuated, and he was just being completely selfish and self obsessed. He agreed he'd become a cliche and had always mocked friends who'd done similar as pathetic now he was the same. he was embarrassed and didnt tell any of his friends the real reason why we broke up. I know exactly what he was getting cos she sent him photos of herself in skimpy underwear to his phone. I was beyond devastated but worse when i saw the xmas card she sent him which had a photo on the front of them cuddling and grinning into camera. they looked like such a happy couple it really broke my heart. not finding counselling very constructive up to now as she keeps saying hardly any couples survive an affair, and i've come home sobbing for the rest of the day. just thought after nearly a year the memories hurt and anger would have faded more and would be easier to give up cos im so sick of feeling hurt. i dont know what will make me better and he cant do right for doing wrong. i feel stuck.

PhilipJFry Mon 10-Oct-11 23:52:50

"not finding counselling very constructive up to now as she keeps saying hardly any couples survive an affair, and i've come home sobbing for the rest of the day."

It must be very hard not to listen to these kind of statements and think "Well, there go my chances!" but try not to let them get to you. Sweeping declarations like this aren't very helpful and tbh I don't think she should be saying it over and over again. It might be true in her personal experience but it doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is doomed! What matters is what the two of you want and what you're working towards.

Landedgentry Mon 10-Oct-11 23:53:56

I don't see how the OW can't have known about you, unless he pretended he wasn't married to not just her, but all their mutual colleagues? That sounds like a lie, but one that is designed to protect her and I wonder why he feels the need to do that still? Does he still work at the same place? Does she?

The counsellor sounds a bit strange if she is giving you no hope and suggesting that you suddenly stop having sex. I'd consider changing counsellors, but I wonder whether she sees what you cannot?

I have to say he sounds as though he's taken the line of least resistance here and won't do anything that puts him out too much. It's an ominous sign that he won't go to counselling and I wonder whether he fears that yet another counsellor will see straight through him and any lies he's still telling?

I know that's not what you appeared to want from this thread, but I often think involuntary tears are an outward sign of our inner voice. I think you're crying for a reason and should take heed.

pastawine Mon 10-Oct-11 23:55:50

im so sorry honey,
i dont think your counsellor is being very constructive in saying that not many couples survive an affair, counselling for us was a way of being able to be honest in a way we couldnt when it was just us talking - and i really found it helped. When i started the counselling i was a bit of an ice maiden - i didnt want it and i thought i had made up my mind about us. i was wrong.

the hurt you are feeling im sure is just a normal reaction, its what you both do next that matters and how you manage those feelings. a good counsellor should be helping you to work through those feelings and work out what to do with them.

burying your feelings wont work. if you cannot move on then you will feel stuck and you will end up resenting him.

but i would insist that he comes along too. he has to hear you. he has to understand what he has done however painful that is to him, its tough shit and if he wants to make it work with you then he has to hear you. a third party helps in such raw circumstances.

tell him he comes with you to counselling or you cannot get past it. he owes you that.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin Tue 11-Oct-11 00:04:32

'He doesnt believe in counselling'

He shagged a 19 year old. Sorry to be blunt, but putting all the emotional stuff aside that's what happened. And he even lied/with-held your existence from her.

His going to counselling is necessary if he wants to try to repair the damage.

honey0108 Tue 11-Oct-11 00:19:55

she definitely did not know a thing about me.i found out because i answered his phone to her and she asked who i was .when i said his partner she said how long for? as if he'd been cheating on her with me! I said we've been together 17 years and have 3 daughters she burst out crying and said she would never have got involved had she known. (that didnt stop her being with him once she did know). He has a senior position in work and she was a barmaid , so she never really mixed with his colleagues. He says nobody at work knew for quite a long time. She left the job and the city when we got back together. I know this for a fact as i read txts she was sending him. I also know he definitely ended it with her and not the other way round, again from txts. She also carried on chasing him for some time, which was totally his fault as he tried to end it gently with her as he felt guilty, so it obviously gave her some hope , until he was more forthright and told her there was no chance. Dont know what counsellor saw
but in 2 sessions she has said very few couples get past an affair about 4 times. Also with the sex question i only mentioned it briefly as it was near the end of the session, but that was her first response. I personally think having sex keeps the relationship intimate and reaffirms to me that he finds me attractive / desirable. He has never liked the idea of counselling, he finds it very difficult to talk about his feelings but is trying really hard to be open with me. I dont know whether he would go if I said it would be really helpful to me, but i dont want to force him into doing something he really doesnt want to do, as he's not going to gain much if he's there under duress, feeling forced? Or maybe thats the point? Do I guilt trip him into doing it to prove a point, ie you wont do this so that means you are not committed to saving our relationship? I dont know. Seeing me coming back from counselling so upset has not helped on that point. I just want to move on, but think my constant questions and crying are putting a strain on things. Is it overkill? I just cant seem to begin to put it behind me.

pastawine Tue 11-Oct-11 00:25:23

thats why it would help if you both attended counselling - you could have a rule that you discuss it there and no where else. you obviously have so many questions that need answering and i believe that counselling is the place to do it then you forget it until the next session. could you do that?

he should go with you. how are you going to get past this otherwise? i would tell him that - you need to be as honest with him as you think he is with you.

Bogeyface Tue 11-Oct-11 00:26:37

I agree with Marginally

He has totally wrecked your marriage, hurt you beyond imagining and lied and lied and lied.

Frankly who gives a FUCK what he thinks about counselling? If he wants you to stay married to him then he will do as he is damn well told in terms of what you need to deal with this. Its what YOU think that counts.

If he wont go and wont do anything to help you heal, well you need to decide what your future is going to be and whether you can spend the rest of your life with someone so fundementally uncaring and selfish.

Imo, a man who refuses to do anything to help your recovery is a man who doesnt actually think much of what he did. He may not even think it matters. That isnt good, as it would indicate to me that he may well do it again, given that he doesnt ascribe much importance to your feelings, faithfulness and honesty.

Landedgentry Tue 11-Oct-11 00:43:27

Well it doesn't sound very plausible to me that an OW wouldn't have asked around a bit amongst the other staff whether the bloke she was interested in (and who was twice her age) was in a relationship, but if he'd prefer you to believe that he completely erased you, that's his look-out.

You seem very resistant to asking for what you need. Counselling isn't a punishment, it's meant to be a place where you can talk and where someone skilled and practised can ask questions that will yield more information. If he won't open up with you, he might with someone else.

What's he actually done to help you, other than have sex with you?

honey0108 Tue 11-Oct-11 00:47:28

I know, I do need to chill out a bit. When it first happened I did ask lots of questions, but I was so shocked, hurt and angry that not much really sunk in. Then when we got back together I didnt want to talk about it as i didnt want him thinking about her,I know it sound in denial and a bit mad. Then I'd just cry and cry, but couldnt seem to get the words out and he'd just hold me and tell me he loved me and he was sorry. Its only recently i've felt secure enough to more calmly and rationally talk and ask questions, so a lot seems to be coming out all at once. I keep thinking of new things to ask , and feel really unsettled til i've got it off my chest. Its wearing me out to be honest, but I feel like there has got to come a time when i've asked everything I need to know hasnt there?He seems genuinely sorry, says he made the worse mistake of his life, feels thankful every day that i'm fighting for us and giving us a chance, and says he would never contemplate doing anything like this again as he never wants to put us through this again. He has taken measures to put boundaries in place, such as keeping his distance from girls at work ie colleagues, not mates, not staying for drinks after work, spending more time with me and kids, being more affectionate and open, deleted all her txs and photos, threw away the presents she bought him. He is trying to be patient with my hysterics and quetions, and answering honestly, but it is very very hard for him to talk aout his feelings, so i know he is really trying, but he just doesnt know what more he can say or do to reassure me that he loves me and wants to be with me. im just so sad i'm having to go through this. its not fair, i didnt do anything wrong but i am suffering. What should i tell him he needs to do?

Landedgentry Tue 11-Oct-11 09:01:42

Who says you need to chill out a bit? No-one here, by the looks of things.

We can't tell you what you need him to do, only you know that.

For me though, it would be couples counselling as a minimum.

I think I'd also need reassurance that he didn't stay "for the family" and all that goes with that. Id want to know he was staying for me as a discrete entity.

PopcornMouse Tue 11-Oct-11 10:44:29

"not finding counselling very constructive up to now as she keeps saying hardly any couples survive an affair, and i've come home sobbing for the rest of the day."

I think that says more about the quality of her counselling than anything else ;)
All counsellors are wildly different; if there possibility of moving to a different one if you're not finding her helpful?

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