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There seems to be a common agreement that you should not go into another relationship after you have separated. How long should you wait? Need your advice before I make a mistake

(8 Posts)
Iamamesswhy Sun 09-Oct-11 21:02:49

I have been separeted for almost 6 now months now and although my realtionship with my ExP was dead for the last two years I do not feel like I have been alone for just 6 months. I feel I have been on my own for much longer.

I have a male friend which he has been fantastic throughout the separation, to be honest he has been fantastic since the day I met him almost 5 years ago now (separation has nothing to do with him). Two months ago after going out for dinner and having some drinks in my house we ended in bed and ... It was the most fantastic night I have had in ages. That same night I told him that I was not ready for a relationship and that I could only be his "friend with benefits" and he said that he was ok with that, he could understand and he would not be pushing for anything else. He has also been married and is divorced. Just after this happened he moved to the other side of the country. We have seen each other once since he has moved and we have been talking a lot on the phone.

Tomorrow I am going to see him and we will be spending the week together. I cannot wait!!!!, I have been missing him a lot (and s does him) and it feels really nice when we are together. I know that he won't be moving back to where I live (and where he used to live) and I know that at the moment I cannot move where he lives. I think I have started feeling something else than just a friendship and I don't know what to think/do, he may be feeling the same.

Everybody in here thinks that you should not start a relationship after you have ended a previuos one. How long should you wait? I really need to know because if I have to stop this it has to be done now before it is too late or maybe it is too late already. He is very nice with me and we have a lot of fun together. He is also 20 years older than me which at first it made me think twice but now I think it does not really matter.

Please I need some advice. What should I do?

jenniec79 Sun 09-Oct-11 21:08:10

Who's "everybody"?

Seriously; you're single and he's single, you like each other. Why not?

If it feels right why do you care what a load of strangers on the web think?

kunahero Sun 09-Oct-11 21:13:23

The rule book on this says............ Fuckall!

there are no rules, no set time. You and only you can know when you are ready to have a proper relationship.

It took me 18 months after my exdw and I sep till i was ready and luckily I a new relationship out of the blue and 12 years later am vvv happy.

This new fella sounds like a decent find. Take it nice and slow, enjoy the week with him.

Good luck, hope it works out for you and you find as much happiness as I have been lucky to.

Iamamesswhy Sun 09-Oct-11 21:34:19

Thanks both of you. I just felt that I was doing another big mistake in my life as a lot of people in here thinks that you need to have a rest between relationships.

To be honest I don't know how ready I am but as Kunahero has said he is a decent man and I would not like to let time past and suddenly realised that I have lost one of the best person go away.

He is really nice and I cannot have any complains whatsoever. Even though I have been a bit nasty with him a couple of times he has been so supportive.I don't think I am used to this after being 6 years with ExP. He is all the opposite and in a way it does feel right to give it a go grin

stayforappledunking Sun 09-Oct-11 22:48:20

Ach, if you feel ready then you are. I separated 4 months ago and like you, felt my marriage had been over a long time before it actually was. I started seeing someone a few weeks ago. Its also a LDR and I think that suits me quite well, in terms of things having to move slowly and you still have plenty of space, whilst you see how things go.

squeakytoy Sun 09-Oct-11 23:06:17

I think the waiting time is more pertinent when there are children involved. If you feel ready for it, go for it.

BertieBotts Sun 09-Oct-11 23:07:24

I think you should tread cautiously, and be aware that you may be vulnerable at the moment. I got into a relationship only a few months after leaving XP and also felt I had been single a lot longer than I technically had been, due to feeling alone in the relationship. All was great at the beginning and it was really different to XP to have someone actually paying me normal levels of human respect (shock) but didn't end up going that well in the end, and I was quite upset by it. I got over it quickly, but it shook me how much I had invested in it so early. I wasn't ready despite thinking I was.

The thing that really helped was going into it with my eyes open to the fact that my own boundaries are possibly skewed, I don't know what to expect from a "normal" relationship and so I relied heavily on "What would mumsnet say?" ie, if I posted about this, what would the replies be. This stood me in good stead, although I chose to ignore a few warning bells, at least I was hearing them, loud and clear.

I then got into a relationship 10 months after I split with XP, slightly reluctantly, as in that I felt attracted to this guy but wasn't sure I was really ready or not. We've been together a year next week grin So I clearly was ready, although there have been some rocky patches. I feel like my old self, but the last year has been up and down, a massive improvement on 2009 (the year immediately following the split) where I was all over the place, but taking the year as a whole, I can see I'm still very much in recovery and rediscovery mode, and I think that had I accidentally fallen for someone different to DP, it could have turned out badly. It was still risky, if that makes sense, and I got lucky.

So: Go for it, but with an open mind, be cautious, and always ask yourself What Would MN do? grin

BertieBotts Sun 09-Oct-11 23:08:47

"Reluctantly" bad word. No pressure on DP's part. Just to make that clear smile

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