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How to get out of this mess?

(25 Posts)
ellalouxx Sun 09-Oct-11 14:12:27

I am in a long term relationship but we have no children. I was happy with my DP and thought he was the one. That is until I met someone else. Now I am torn in two.

I met OM here but he actually lives abroad due to work. It started off as something very physical and I put it down to lust and thought it would fizzle out once he went home. But it has continued in the form of phone calls, text messages etc and the more I speak to him the more I fall for him.

I'm not sure that there is a future in it because I cannot see myself leaving everything I have worked for to move abroad and be with him and I still don't know him very well at all but there is something that draws me to him.

I feel rotten for what I am doing to DP but don't know how to untangle this mess. I never thought I would be this woman. I have had many opportunities over the years but have always turned them down because I wanted to be loyal and really thought I would be with DP for life.

I'm trying to work out if I ever loved him or if I just thought I did. And if I did love him where did it all go wrong and is there any reason we can't be happy again?

I know I won't be very popular on here at all but if anyone has any advice please reply.


kunahero Sun 09-Oct-11 14:14:27

what does the om do for you/give you that dp doesnt cant?

Geordieminx Sun 09-Oct-11 14:16:53

If your dp came home right now and said it was over, how would you feel? Upset? Relief?

Also... If you won the lottery, say £1million, who would you want to be with?

ellalouxx Sun 09-Oct-11 14:37:13

I would feel sad because we have been together a long time and I always thought we would get married and have children together. The fact that we haven't done either yet is down to me, not lack of commitment on his part. I have told him I want those things but I'm not ready. But if he was 'the one' surely I would jump at the chance?

But I wouldn't feel devastated if he walked out and I wouldn't think that I couldn't live without him.

I hate deceit and I hate what I'm doing but part of me thinks you only have one life and you have to do what makes you happy.

OM is attractive, intelligent, we have a lot in common. I don't know whether it would work out with him or not and feel it is unfair to keep DP as a backup plan which is a bit what it feels like at the moment which is awful I know sad

ImperialBlether Sun 09-Oct-11 14:41:04

In my opnion, once you have gone through the experience you have with the OM, your existing relationship is actually over.

Your DP couldn't possibly be the man for you if you acted willingly in the way you did.

Let your DP go. Let him have a relationship with someone who's desperate for him and couldn't think of cheating him.

Live alone for a while. See the OM if you like. See other men, too. Or take a while to just be on your own.

galleywench100 Sun 09-Oct-11 15:31:37

I totally agree with Imperialblether, stay on your own for a bit. Do things the right way without humiliating your dp, he deserves that much.

ChippingIn Sun 09-Oct-11 15:47:46

Read your own posts.

Whatever it was you had with your DP isn't there anymore. Not because of the OM, but just because it isn't.

Now, while you are still young & child-free is the time to be brave and tell your DP that this relationship is over. You will hurt him & you will hurt - but if you don't do this, you will both be hurt even more in the future & possibly children too sad

Sort yourself out first - do not rush into anything with the OM.

noddyholder Sun 09-Oct-11 15:50:11

You need to be single. You have no children and couples like you separate every day and move on to better things. Don't waste time as you aren't truly happy because you are cheating and hedging your bets which is deceitful and pointless

MangoMonster Sun 09-Oct-11 15:50:49

Agree with imperial, feel for your dp, please let him get on with his life.

buzzskeleton Sun 09-Oct-11 15:52:31

That you can imagine breaking up with your dp and not being devastated tells you all you need to know.

Landedgentry Sun 09-Oct-11 17:14:11

I don't agree that you can't have been happy, otherwise you wouldn't have been unfaithful and I think it's equally possible that it's precisely because you've been unfaithful that you are questioning the former happiness you felt you had. That's what you said in your post after all:

"I was happy with my DP and thought he was the one. That is until I met someone else."

I'm wondering too whether you have an unduly romantic view of relationships and why people take opportunities outside them? You say you thought DP was "the one" but in truth there is no such thing. Like the OM, he is just another man with whom you clicked. There could be many others equally, or more suitable for you.

I think you need to think back to what you felt before meeting the new man and ditch any ideas that this is some sign from a higher being. You're just a human, sexual woman who can be fickle at times, that's all. An opportunity came and you took it.

Make your mind up fast though, because while you might be able to live with being fickle, you might not be able to live with long-term deceit. Be fair and treat your partner with some dignity, what ever you decide to do.

strictlycomedancingdiva Sun 09-Oct-11 17:42:14

Imperial's post is spot on. Let your DP have the relationship he deserves and take some time out on your own, before launching into another relationship.

ellalouxx Sun 09-Oct-11 21:52:08

Yes I do need to make a decision soon. Spoke to OM today and he wants me to go and visit him before christmas. So I need to do the right thing and finish it with DP first or tell OM it's over.

I can't believe I've put myself in this situation.
DP had his suspicions and asked me outright a couple of weeks ago but I denied it. So how do I tell him now that he was right all along?

ChippingIn Sun 09-Oct-11 21:57:29

You have to tell him he was right - it's the only fair thing to do. It is utterly shit when you have an instinct and someone else tells you it's wrong, he has to know he can trust his instincts.

The sooner you do it the better. He clearly knows something is wrong and it's not fair to string him along. Also the closer to Christmas it gets, the more the association could be for him to Christmas and (for most people) that's horrible. Give him a chance to sort his thoughts & feelings out before the holiday season starts, the opportunity to start the new year a fresh.

For yourself - once you have been honest with your DP then you need to think about whether you actually want to go and see the OM or not.

frutilla Sun 09-Oct-11 22:02:55

Are you sure OM isn't playing around too? From your post it doesn't sound like he's pleaded for you to leave DP, just wants you to visit once in a while and enjoy the thrill of the chase.

ellalouxx Sun 09-Oct-11 22:24:17

I didn't give an answer. I told him I am in a really difficult position and he said he understands but he really wants to see me. I know what I have to do but it's so hard to find the words. One thing I've learnt about myself in all this is that I'm a coward.

OM is single and a bit of a flirt so it's an almighty risk but I can't keep deceiving DP in case it doesn't work out, it makes me feel horrible.

No he hasn't pleaded for me to leave DP but we haven't known each other very long at all and now he isn't even on the same continent. What a mess.

1catherine1 Sun 09-Oct-11 22:58:09

I sorta feel like you have no right to be indulging in this self pity you seem to be doing atm. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but remember, you are not the victim in all this - your DP is.

Saying this, I think it is important that you decide if your DP is the one or not. If he isn't then give him the respect he deserves and split up with him so he can get on with his life. If he is then you need to be honest with him so he can decide if he wants to be with you.

The OM is probably worth forgetting IMO - Anyone know a relationship born out of deceit like this that has actually worked?

I hope you take the good advice of the other women here and spend some time alone.

PurplePossum Sun 09-Oct-11 23:17:58

Anyone know a relationship born out of deceit like this that has actually worked?
I know two 10+ year marriages that started off as affairs and another 5 year relationship. It's really not a great way to start off relationship and many fail, but yes of course sometimes it works out that they're the right people for each other.

springydaffs Sun 09-Oct-11 23:24:59

It sounds as though you have a very powerful sexual chemistry which, true, can be very hard to get away from. Does OM know you are in a relationship? If he does, he could enjoy stealing another man's woman right from under his nose. Some people get off on things like that.

BUT you are not committed to your current relationship eg you don't have children, you aren't engaged, whatever. You say you have been together 'a long time' - since when, how old were you when you got together? You are being grossly unfair to him, particularly by keeping him on the back burner 'just in case' while you make hay. Let him go with his dignity. Tell him the truth. The OM may not be a good bet (sounds a bit of a player to me) but that's the chance you'll have to take. YOu've already taken it tbh.

ellalouxx Mon 10-Oct-11 00:56:02

Yes he knows I'm in a relationship and yes he is a bit of a player but I think he has genuine feelings for me.

I was quite prepared when he left to not hear from him again because it was mainly sexual to start with but he has been the one initiating contact and asking me to visit him.

I have been with DP on and off since I was 17 and I'm now mid twenties. He is 2 years older and the OM is a year older.

AnyCorpseFucker Mon 10-Oct-11 10:29:47

Tell your partner ASAP

let him find someone who appreciates him properly

btw, you are going to get your fingers burned with this OM but that is entirely separate

you know that hedging your bets is wrong and cruel and pretty despicable

sort yourself out

kaluki Mon 10-Oct-11 12:34:26

Tell your partner, leave him and then give things with the OM a try if that's what you want. Stop trying to have your cake and eat it.
He deserves the chance to be with someone who wants him and will treat him decently.
How would you feel if he was cheating on you like this?
You have been together a long time and you should treat him with more respect than this.

kaluki Mon 10-Oct-11 12:36:58

I agree with AnyCorpse. It is probably a case of the grass is greener and the fact that you are unavailable is the main attraction for the OM. I wonder if he'll be as interested when its not just ilicit sex and sneaking around and more mundane day to day life.
Either way, its up to you to find out, but its not fair to cheat on your DP.

springydaffs Mon 10-Oct-11 15:28:17

Of course he's asking you to join him! My goodness, he doesn't have to pay for you and he can seeing how high you'll jump when he clicks his fingers. What a massive buzz for someone like this. He probably can't believe his luck OP.

He doesn't have feelings for you btw. Apart from incredulity that you would debase yourself to this degree and tremendous gratitude that you're not charging him.

goatshavestrangeeyes Mon 10-Oct-11 15:35:46

I found myself in a similar position nearly 3 years ago. As it turns out i chose to be with the OM, it was a huge risk to take but was one that has paid off and things have worked out fantastically.

It was hard to give up xdp at first and it took me ages to come to the decision i made but i knew what i had done and knew this also meant he couldn't be 'the one' for me. We had been together 7 years and in the end he just said "i can see you love this other man so if you are happy with him then be with him"

I have never looked back since

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