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Totally thrown by friends this weekend

(9 Posts)
gregssausageroll Sun 09-Oct-11 10:16:41

Our closest friends got married on Friday. DH was bestman. Fantastic day until the very end. 4 of us were sat in the bar catching up. We'd all had a few drinks but from what I could see none of us were really drunk.

Bride had arrived at ceremony a little merry and admitted she and her bridesmaid had drank a couple of bottles of champagne when getting ready.

Anyway, we were in bar when the groom suddenly went weird and was quite vicious towards his new wife because she'd drank champers at "his wedding". She got very upset so I told him to wind his neck in before he started on me! I left bar with bride and took her to her room but had to come back down to get a room key for my own room. I met DH leaving the bar to say that the groom had started on DH and he'd become quite vicious.

There were a few more incidents where the groom just wouldn't let things go but it would make this thread massive! Needless to say, we've never experienced this side of the groom before.

Our biggest concern is that the bride admitted (only to DH) that the groom has hit her in the past and that he had behaved like this in the past. This really has upset DH and he doesn't know what to do.

Yesterday morning, we cleared up and sorted out everything we could before I took presents etc to their room. The groom was still asleep but the bride had not slept and looked utterly horrendous. She said there was nothing I could do so I left and we came home.

The groom tried to call DH a few times yesterday but DH couldn't bring himself to talk to him so we decided to sleep on things last night (being tired and having had a few drinks).

This morning I text the groom to tell him what I think (couldn't call as they are leaving on honeymoon) for a response of "we're right as rain and back to normal"

I am just a bit shocked this morning. At the end of the day, although this has been a new experience for us it would appear to be normal for them but I am really concerned about the hitting comment from the wedding night to DH and he really doesn't know what do think. do or say.

We have no experience so can anyone offer any guidance?

Proudnreallyveryscary Sun 09-Oct-11 10:24:26

Firstly well done for not posting this in AIBU!

Secondly, wow. How horrible. In short, I am not sure you can do anything other than tell your friend that you are there for her, that she can tell you anything and confide in you and you have got her back. Re the groom - I guess your dh could say he was shocked at the way he spoke to bride and does he want to talk about things? Can he mention he knows about the violence?

Obviously the groom is abusive and she needs to get away from him as the violence will no doubt escalate but she needs to get to that point herself, you can't force it.

Sorry you are in this position. You must be very concerned.

Many other posters will be able to give you far better advice and insight than me.

gregssausageroll Sun 09-Oct-11 10:30:52

I am way too scared of AIBU!

Thanks for posting.

Xales Sun 09-Oct-11 11:20:29

I am probably going to be accused of being heartless.

As your friend knew he was violent and abusive and still went ahead and married him I don't think there is much you can do to help her right now.

Don't tell her he is a nasty wanker because if she is at the stage where she has just married him then she will probably end up defending him and cut you off as a friend.

All you can do is be there as a friend until she decides she has had enough beatings, violence and abuse and leaves.

Then you can give her all the support she needs.

HerScaryness Sun 09-Oct-11 11:23:08

IMHO, you have a short window. You need to talk to the bride, she has opened up to you, everyone has seen what he's like.

You ALL need to talk to her gently, explain how common it is, but that it is never, EVER right to be treated like this. That you will support her in anyway she needs to, to get away from him and that you will not rest properly until she puts distance between her and him.

Tell her that you know that she may not be ready, just yet, to leave to be free, but that you will be waiting for her, and she is welcome in your home, to call you anytime and you will come and get her, no questions asked.

Tell her about WA, that they too can help her understand that this is so wrong. Tell her about the Lundy Bancroft book, Why Does He Do That, and say you will keep a copy at your house if it's safer for her to read it there.

Remind her that you and your DH, and your friends will never give up on her, that you love her and want to see her happy, not bullied, not broken, not bruised.

women often marry the man who is abusing them. I don't know why. sad maybe they are frightened not to. Maybe they believe that if they can 'prove' commitment to the man, he will stop hitting them sad

It is almost impossible from outside the situation to understand why a woman would stay with a man who hits her, let alone marry one who does. But from inside the situation, I imagine it is far more confused, distressed and frightened. And possibly brainwashed/manipulated. sad

Thzumbiewitch Sun 09-Oct-11 11:33:38

Wow. He didn't wait long, did he. So sorry that you had to witness it, it must have been very shocking for both of you - but you are in a way lucky that you have an insight into his true nature and I hope you can be there for his wife. Chances are that she may shut down again and claim that there's nothing wrong, that it was a one-off, that your DH misunderstood/she lied when she said she was hit - either because he is scaring her into it or because she is mortified that she has let it out.

Apart from that - what HerScaryness said. (good namechange, btw).

HerScaryness Sun 09-Oct-11 11:37:41

I think it's that they think if they become the wife, he will be satisfied that SHE is HIS and will stop abusing her.

My own X would kind of set 'tests' that I would be expected to pass. I think marriage would be one of these kind of tests.

I did want to marry him at one point, to prove to myself (i think) that I was good enough to marry. Fortunately I dodged that bullet.

HerScaryness Sun 09-Oct-11 11:39:29

AF picked it for me, love your namechange too Thzumbiewitch!

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