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Am I doing causing this?

(36 Posts)
Coconutmummy Sat 08-Oct-11 17:55:09

hello all, I am fairly new here and more of a lurker. I want your opinions on this matter. I consider myself fairly pretty, not Beyonce stunning, could compare with Alexandra Burke for instance. I am petite, have been an 8 pre baby and currently just managed to fit back into 14, 7 months post baby.
My query is I seem to get hit on quite regularly, virtually daily, this despite the fact that I wear my wedding band and always talk about my hubby and kids. I am beginning to think that I am doing something that sends a message that I am somehow available. Does this sound familiar and what could I be doing wrong. Is it normal?

MangoMonster Sat 08-Oct-11 17:59:24

It's a bit hard to tell what signals you're sending out from reading a post! I'd just politely show them your wedding ring.

MangoMonster Sat 08-Oct-11 18:07:05

Sorry, just realised my post probably wasnt that useful. Daily is quite a lot, where do you usually meet these men?

Coconutmummy Sat 08-Oct-11 18:13:07

My work requires me to travel 4 days a week all over the south east, I wear my ring and constantly talk about hubby. That is what has me flummoxed. The fact that my marriage seems irrelevant. I wonder whether other ppl experience this, or if I am somehow sending messages that I would cheat. It has increasingly become less flattering

MangoMonster Sat 08-Oct-11 18:22:37

It's really difficult to say without meeting you. Could it be the type of men you are meeting? Has this always been a problem or have you noticed it more after losing weight or changing styles?

TeachMonstersShockingBalance Sat 08-Oct-11 19:15:57

Just guessing, but I think the hubby talk can be seen as a statement of availability, in that you are announcing that you are presently alone, without him.

The men may continue a thought process that you (or someone that makes this announcement) are "lonely"...cue the offers.

From a guy's point of view (I'm not a guy), this statement of availability might naturally make the fact of your marriage irrelevant since you've initiated this dynamic, however accidentally.

You are also announcing that you are unprotected. Be careful.

beatenbyayellowskull Sat 08-Oct-11 19:19:38

What do you mean by 'hit on'? Do you mean men flirt with you? Or is there a suggestion of taking it somewhere?

Why are you talking about your marriage ie personal things if you are meeting them through work? Are you meeting new people all the time or going back to the same offices/workplaces? What I'm trying to get at is how well you know these men ie just met them or have met them repeatedly, and what the nature of your conversations with them is, if that makes any sense.

springydaffs Sat 08-Oct-11 22:30:26

It sounds like you're more gorgeous than you realise OP!

I'm wondering if you would expect to be hit on if you were stick thin, but are a bit confused that men obviously find you attractive now you're a bit curvy? Just goes to show, men like a bit of flesh on a woman (real men, anyway). imo wink

crazyhead Sat 08-Oct-11 22:42:41

Hello OP - I think that although there are so many questions where people can offer real insight on Mumsnet, if you want to know whether you have a particular way of interacting with men that predisposes them to hit on you, you'll need to ask a good friend in RL who sees you in action so to speak!

Warmth, chattiness, smiliness - all lovely qualities that can have no hint of flirty intention - can sometimes predispose a woman to being chatted up a lot.

I think a lot, too, depends on what you mean by 'hit on'. If men are just being smiley and slightly flirty, where's the harm? It can sometimes be pretty gentle on their side too. If you are clear that you love your hubby and baby, and what we're talking about here is just people being friendly to you and no line is crossed, does it matter? We all know people who are a little flirty who have been with their husband/wife since age 16 and would never dream of cheating - and nobody thinks they will

It is only if situations cross over into uncomfortable sexual intent that you might want to worry a bit more.

Coconutmummy Sat 08-Oct-11 23:09:35

Hello all, thanks for all your replies.-

By " hit on" , I mean an offer to have a liason. It honestly surprises me. Considering usually i am seeing peope in thier work. Especially as I try to circumvent this by making it obvious I am not available.

I think Teachmonster your suggestion that my talking about hubby makes them consider me lonely holds a lot of merit. I thought that too. I wondered wether other married women are finding that men readily make proposals to them because they are married.

I think I am friendly and go out of my way to be so. Usually, I see people who may be at risk of loosing thier jobs so I consider it important to put them at ease by being friendly.

@ beaten, I hardly ever go to the same place or even if I did, I would not be meeting the same people. Usually, my consultation requires a discussion about homelife for my clients. I usually only say I am married when I am asked directly.This is usually followed by, happily? Or the next line appears to totally ignore this.

Flirting would not bother me. What I am shocked about is the proposals for liaisons. Which makes me wonder if I am doing something to bring this on.

Springydaff, I agree that most men prefer size 12-16 ladies, or at least that has been my experience.

The type of men I meet include cleaners, officers, managers, lawyers and bankers.

So this is not typical then?

beatenbyayellowskull Sat 08-Oct-11 23:14:47

You are probably just more attractive than you realise! grin

I haven't met you, so very hard to judge. Do you smile a lot and make eye contact, so they think you are flirting/open to the proposition?

But to answer your question: I don't think it's normal, in that it doesn't happen to me. But then of the four men at my work two are gay one is completely eccentric and the other is twelve

Coconutmummy Sat 08-Oct-11 23:29:43

smile, thanks for getting back to me. I do try to smile like I said to help put people at ease.

Your workplace sounds like fun. How come you have a 12 year old though.

I guess this happens more because I meet different people regularly.

pink4ever Sat 08-Oct-11 23:29:51

Lol you wish.

Coconutmummy Sun 09-Oct-11 00:01:17

? Pink4ever

mumblejumble Sun 09-Oct-11 02:59:46

I think it may be a combination of being quite attractive, but not unreachable. There maybe something about your appearance that invites flirtation but without looking unattainable. Add to that your friendly manner, and that is enough of a green light to the average man.
Try toning down the friendliness, maybe?
Or try the Maggie Thatcher look, lol.

ChippingIn Sun 09-Oct-11 03:09:20

Oh poor you - that must be so terrible


solidgoldbrass Sun 09-Oct-11 03:14:23

Do you mean that men you encounter in a professional setting are always asking you to meet them in a social setting ie 'Will you come for a drink with me/have dinner with me?' If so you are either in a job that involves dealing with people who have few social boundaries or you are being too friendly as opposed to maintaining a polite professional detachment. Try saying 'I don't think that's appropriate, thank you.' and changing the subject.
Basically whether or not you are owned by another man in a relationship, people who you meet in the workplace, particularly if your job involves counselling advising or managing them, should not be offering social invitations to you and it's fine to tell them this politely.

Coconutmummy Sun 09-Oct-11 17:11:02

Mumble jumble, thanks for your reply. I have resolved to smile less. I could not resolve to be M Thatcher even if I tried. I honestly don't think it's because I m stunning. I have 2 younger sisters, both unmarried, whom I will describe a stunning, yet, they don't seem to be getting offers all the time.

I think it's to do with being married and thus not being truly available. I wondered wether other married women were finding this to be the case.

Chipping, one soon stops to feel flattered when being propositioned for sex becomes as frequent as it has become for me. My sentiments at the moment is more of feeling insulted, rather than thinking I should be flattered.

Solidgoldbrass, I do suggest that it's inappropriate and decline of course, I just wish the need for that did not arise. I said earlier it's not the same workplace or group of clients even.

Thanks for all your replies. I think the consensus is that I should tone down the friendly attitude

MangoMonster Sun 09-Oct-11 18:28:06

It might be a pitfall of your job if you are dealing with men who are having a hard time? It's a shame you have to smile less...

solidgoldbrass Sun 09-Oct-11 22:38:03

Is this really happening with every man you meet professionally? I appreciate that you won't want to give out identifying details, but does your work involve dealing with people who have issues with appropriate behaviour?

BecauseImWorthIt Sun 09-Oct-11 22:46:27

I have never experienced this phenomenon. Clearly I am not gorgeous enough.

However. Given that I'm not pig ugly, it does make me wonder how you are interacting with the men that you're meeting if you're constantly being hit upon.

I treat the people I meet/work with in exactly the same manner - a professional and detached manner. Obviously once I get to know my clients, I become more personal/personable.

I wonder if your 'friendly' attitude is perhaps being construed as less than professional?

What do you do?

Coconutmummy Mon 10-Oct-11 02:26:41

It's not Everyman, usually, during a day's schedule, I can meat up to 10 people. Both male and female. If it's not my clients, it may be the person who organised for me to attend. Out of 4 work days, I can pretty much expect to get a similar offer 2-3 times that week. This week, I am travelling abroad and have had almost treble the usual number of propositions. Which is why I was asking if other ppl were finding this too. I was beginning to think that I had something written on my forehead suggesting i am looking for sex.

I am professional in my work. I am in the middle east now, so not wearing revealing clothes. So as far as I imagine it's not my attire. Which is usually dresses or skirts. I don't like trousers much. I consider that I need to be more personable than detached. So I am professional, however to put people at ease, I usually try to be friendly.
I would really rather not say exactly what job I do. Essentially I see people in work or at my company's offices for 45- 60 minute consultations. I am not dealing with people who have issues with inappropriate behaviour.

Coconutmummy Mon 10-Oct-11 02:27:51


BecauseImWorthIt Mon 10-Oct-11 08:25:16

OK, difficult without knowing what you do, but I'm wondering how on earth in such a short meeting you're 'constantly' talking about your husband? Perhaps you need to try for a more detached manner? You can still be personable.

StickyProblem Mon 10-Oct-11 08:39:26

The only woman I ever met who had this problem wore such a low cleavage you could see the bottom of her boobs. This was with long jackets and skirts, so everything else covered apart from this massively deep V neck and boobage. Are you wearing anything similar, say showing lots of boob, or very short skirts showing lots of leg etc?
If the men you meet are of an older generation, what you think of as normal clothes might seem very provocative to them. It's worth considering.

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