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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Ex is angry, and said he is coming round to get his stuff

34 replies

scaredofhistemper · 08/10/2011 15:36

I'm so scared I can barely stay off the loo for 10 minutes.

I've left his things on the gate (hope it doesn't rain)
He texted me this because after trying to end it since the start of Sept, I will no longer engage with him. I have bitten the bullet and tried to call, but his phone is switched off. I know that it tends to run out of battery very quickly, so it's either switched off or has run out of charge and he is out and about.

He is on probation and suspended sentence for fighting and is on his last warning; it's fair to say he does not need to be getting himself into any more trouble. That usually stops him from doing anything silly. But he had a major bereavement yesterday and came across as being very volatile in the many texts I have had today.

He had tried to text and call me today wanting a chat, but as usual I did not answer. I did text back to politely ask him to stop, explaining that I do not want to chat, which is why I have not responded, and that I have had my phone on silent now for weeks and I have had enough.

DC is out until much later, thankfully.

But I hate this guy, I really do. I didn't actually hate him until today. I just accepted that we are not right for each other. But now that I am scared in my own home, I hate him, I fucking hate him.

OP posts:

Report

beatenbyayellowskull · 08/10/2011 15:38

Have you got someone who can come around to support you?

Is there any reason why he needs to come to the house if his things are on the gate?

Could you go out while he comes to collect his stuff?

DontGoCurly · 08/10/2011 15:39

Can you go out somewhere?

NormaStanleyFletcher · 08/10/2011 15:40

Stay inside and lock the door. Call the police if he starts causing trouble. Or do you have any friends that could come round it you could go to?

Unlikely · 08/10/2011 15:41

Call local police and let them know the situ. They may be able to advise you. He is presumably known to them. And leave the house.

scaredofhistemper · 08/10/2011 15:46

I was sat with a neighbour for a bit, but really needed to get home (upset stomach!) I don't know who i can ask, because they would rightfully be scared too. A couple of friends have said I can go to them. I actually don't dare go to my car.

I'm meant to be going to out with friends in less than 2 hours and need to get ready, I'm damned if he is pissing on my plans

I had said I would put his stuff in the post but he got increasingly angrier and texted a few times to say he is coming round. fuck, I hate this and I hate him. How dare he make me feel afraid?

OP posts:

scaredofhistemper · 08/10/2011 15:48

I want to have a shower, but I don;t want it all kicking off while I'm undressed :( I know that sounds ridiculous. I'm not thinking straight.
I was a cigarette, but I can't go outside and will get lynched by DC if I smoke indoors :(

OP posts:

Unlikely · 08/10/2011 15:52

So have you phoned the local police? dial 08452 777 444, ask for your local town police station and say what its about and they'll put you through.

wellwisher · 08/10/2011 15:53

Can you go to one of your friend's houses and get ready there? Say your boiler's broken or something if you don't want to explain what's going on.

scaredofhistemper · 08/10/2011 15:54

No I haven't. Gutless I know, but I work for social services and will only chance getting a risk report about by DC to my place of work as a last resort. But he knows I would call if I had to.

OP posts:

Unlikely · 08/10/2011 15:55

Why on earth would you get a risk report? You are protecting yourself in advising the police of your situation and asking calmly for some advice or help.

scaredofhistemper · 08/10/2011 16:01

Standard procedure for police to issue a risk report, nothing usually comes of it if it's a one off and the parent has taken steps to protect their DC but this would come through to people I work with. I'm so ashamed

OP posts:

wellwisher · 08/10/2011 16:07

What exactly do you want us to do/say? You won't leave the house, you won't go to your friends, you won't call the police... I find threads like this so frustrating. How are you going to go out in 2 hours if you're too scared to walk to your car?

cloudsandwind · 08/10/2011 16:16

Call a friend over. They won't be as scared as you, if there are two of you there.

HerScaryness · 08/10/2011 16:19

Please get help, either a shit load of burly blokes friend, or call the police and tell them that this may be about to kick off. Lock the house up, and stay out of sight, pretend you are out if need be.

DON'T OPEN THE DOOR TO THIS MAN.

HerScaryness · 08/10/2011 16:21

The next thing to do is CALM RIGHT DOWN. be cool, calm and collected.

This twat wants you to be freaked out, want's to frighten you, upset you. It's how he gets off.

you've put his stuff by the gate? good, now leave it at that. I repeat. Don't engage with him, don't let him in.

scaredofhistemper · 08/10/2011 16:35

I haven't got as afr as leaving the house yet and I might have a ginrmous glass of wine before I do to calm my nerves. I don;t know what I wanted anyone to say, I just posted for support. I understand these threads can be very frustrating. I'm stuck in a shit but temporary situation and wanted to talk anonymously.

Thanks Hiss I won;t answer the door, and if it's knocked I will call through it with my phone in my hand. Definitely not going to engage. x

OP posts:

Unlikely · 08/10/2011 17:24

how you doing?

AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 17:33

Has he been and gone yet ?

AnyCorpseFucker · 08/10/2011 17:34

Sorry, I thought your OP had been made a lot earlier than it was. What time is he supposed to be coming ?

Coul you drop his stuff at a neighbour's/friends and tell him to collect it from there ?

HerScaryness · 08/10/2011 17:58

You need your wits about you. Open the bottle when he's gone!

Stay calm, don't answer the door and call the police if he kicks off. If nothing else they will get him to leave. If your DC aren't there, there is no reason why they will be affected.

Don't allow him to panic you, that's what he wants.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 08/10/2011 21:40

This is the same guy you posted about before - he'd been charm personified and you had a lot of fun until you realised he was on probation for assault (or similar), you thought you'd ended it on the phone, then he came round that night, you then ended it again the following day and, as I recall, he kept texting you for a few days until he sent a message saying he was ending things with you - at which point you heaved a sigh of relief and haven't posted since.

Is my account accurate? If so, I had my doubts that someone with his temperamant would go quite so quietly - and it seems he hasn't.

It appears that you've become a convenient outlet for him to vent his aggression and I suspect that, if he didn't have you to threaten/terrify, he'd have been involved in another violent physical encounter by now.

In short, he texts you anytime he needs to big himself up. He likes to, and needs to, feel that women in awe of him - after all, he is all-powerful and he always calls the shots, doesn't he? No-one messes him around (in his mind, that is).

Please don't feel that you have to play by his rules - because YOU DON'T. Nor do you have to creep around your own home terrified of whether he's going to be knocking on the door, or of what he might do.

If his stuff hasn't gone from the gatepost or you've put it back inside your house for safekeeping - which is by far the best idea because there's nothing stop him collecting it and subsequently claiming that it wasn't where you said it would be - simply text him tomorrow to the effect that you'll post his stuff to him on Monday and if he comes anywhere near your home you'll be calling the police.

Speak to your line manager on Monday and tell him/her that you are receiving the unwelcome attentions of a man that you had a close (but not sexual) friendship with for a couple of months until you became aware that he was not all he seemed to be, namely, that he has a reputation for aggressive behaviour which has lead him to acquire a criminal record.

Say also, that since ending the relationship, he seems unable to accept that you have no interest in him and his texts have become increasingly menancing/threatening to the point where you are now considering involving the police.

He'll move on from you once he's found another woman to charm and then abuse but, rather than waiting for that to happen, you're best advised to be proactive now and, assisted by the police if needs be, put an end to his 'reign of terror'.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 08/10/2011 21:49

OP I remember your previous thread. I'm sorry you're still being terrified by this man.

Your initial idea of posting him his stuff was the right one. You now accepting to keep it at yours for him to pick up is giving in; playing by his rules -- exactly as he wants it.

This means you are still his source of emotional supply.

Cut him off: send his stuff to him. Give him no reason to call round yours whenever he feels like it. His stuff at yours is his last (I assume) remaining hook into you; he won't let it go so easily. It's not his stuff he wants, it's control over you. Get rid of the stuff, and change your number of block his so that you stop reading his texts (and responding to them). You need to remove the last hold he has on you.

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scaredofhistemper · 09/10/2011 02:11

Thank you so much for your messages, I thought the thread had become nothing for some reason.

He did not come round. I braved the shower, then went to my friend's house. We met with our friend, the bday girl in the bday girl's pub of choice and saw him in there. He was in a state, awful black eye, dried blood trickling from a wound, staggering around. He came over, grabbed me and tried to kiss me on the lips, I turned right away so he told me to fuck myself and stormed off. I went back to the group I was with, and the guys who were there, who I have known since primary school were absolutely adamant he would not get near me. It was a revelation to know that not everyone is scared by him, I was really surprised. He came over and stared at my back for all of a minute until my friends stood up and went to face him. I still can't believe he could only scare me, I really underestimated my friends.

izzy probably. I did post, I was talked around twice, mainly becauise I am so much safer being submissive. It's awful to say, but I knew that by backing down I would be instantly safer, which is appealing when you fel really scared. Ironic. I just felt so scared about the battle that I would have to fight, which I am doing now, and have been for 2 weeks.

I did back down again after I last posted. I was and am so bloody ashamed. I phoned WA for the first time in my life just over 2 weeks ago, and spoke to just the right person; she was sensible and switched on - just what I needed. I was gutted because I did not ever expect to have to use their service, but I'm glad I did

OP posts:

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 09/10/2011 02:30

I didn't think you'd get rid of him easily, and I wondered why you hadn't come back.

I hasten to add that I wasn't thinking the worst in terms of your safety, but when you didn't post again I assumed that maybe I'd read him wrong.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 09/10/2011 02:39

What's happened to his stuff - is it still on your gatepost? If so, don't leave it there.

I hope that when you gave in to him again, so to speak, you didn't do so in the biblical sense.

You know tonight isn't the last you'vee seen of him - he'll renew his efforts and you'll get more calls/texts but, hopefully, you've now realised that he's a pathetic bully and not a man to be feared - the reason why he's got a black eye is that someone else wasn't afraid to stand up to him.

Praise be you're reclaiming your power - after all the time you've spent in loo over him I was thinking of organising a whip round on this board and buying you a crate of Immodium!

Flip

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