Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Sim card readers..anyone any experience?(33 Posts)
Firstly, sorry for only popping in here when I'm after something....but you are an absolute godsend
I posted a few weeks back about my OH who had been massively and i mean massively!! texting OW. Cut a long story very short he denies having a Physical affair but agrees that he has had an EA. He says he loves me and that he has been very stupid and got carried away with the ego stroking that the OW provided and that he'll do anything to get us back on track - We have jointly decided to go for counselling and have been to relate for our introductory session, which went reasonably well.
The thing is all the texts were (obviously) deleted before I got to see them and its eating me up inside...I can't seem to stop picking at it...I am reading the book "Just not friends" by Shirley Glass which is very helpful..but still.....I can't let it go..I NEED to know what was being said.
So has anyone used/bought one of these sim card readers for restoring deleted texts....do they work? are they worth the money? Should I even be thinking of doing this...Help Please...
Thank You xx
Unless he has a really old phone it won't store messages on the SIM. Most phones these days store it in the phone memory.
Thanks Grevling. I am not tech minded at all but have found on amazon an iphone sim spy sim card reader for recovering deleted data including messages. Don't think it'll work then?
My friend used one of these about 4 years ago, not sure if they work on new phones? you will have to read the reviews on them to see. It worked for my friend though and all deleted texts were readable, in her case it was very helpful x
Thanks Annie..at the minute i'm just not sure whether to even go this route..feel abit damned if I do damned if I dont
Oooh I dont know if I'd want to know what was being said or not tbh, it could really spoil you both getting things back on track. Plus it will hurt like a bitch to read what he's been saying to OW. I can see why you want to though, it must be eating away at you. Not sure what to advise, maybe just have a think a while longer if you really want to see whats been said 'cos you wont be able to forget once you know iykwim.
Thanks for your reply gruesomerottingteeth. (Sorry for the late response had to go out this afternoon). I know exactly what you mean, this is why i'm feeling damned if I do, damned if I don't. I wish I'd never been told about them because now its playing on my mind all the time. I have a way to perhaps see whats been said but do I what to? The real conversations they had cant be any worse than what I'm imagining they really can't ...but seeing them in black and white will hurt won't it??
Has anyone done this..are you glad you did or do you wish you'd kept pandora's box well and truely shut....advise really appreciated as I really don't know what to do.
Is it possible you want to find the messages very distressing so you can have a reason for having doubts about going on with this man? It's a horrible thing you've been subjected to, and you might be feeling wobbly deep down about whether you can actually mend things. Reading the messages WOULD set you back, but it would also fast-track you through some pain and perhaps lead you to a point where you felt you had all the information to decide if you can get past this. If you don't see them, I'm guessing things could take longer in terms of uncovering what really went on and subsequently, how you feel about it.
Is a part of you ambivalent about whether you can forgive him? Or are you totally committed to working things out and staying in the relationship?
I think you have to decide what you want to happen from here on. He has admitted all you actually need to know at this stage. If he has apologised and wants to make it work with you (counselling....the lot) then that will only work if you stop picking at the scab, draw a line under it and look forward instead of back (I am aware that this is beyond difficult, btw).
Otherwise, you need to decide that it's not something you can forgive, in which case knowing the little hurtful details is not going to make any difference.
So sorry that this has happened.
I don't know what it is Cheerful, I just can't let it go. I search his phone whenever he walks away from it, I'm obsessively checking his phone bill to tally the number of texts I've seen against how many are recorded on bill to see if he's still deleting them (he's not but I can't believe that), searching internet history, searching his pockets, wallet etc if I could get into his works email i would..just cant figure out how to do that . He says he loves me..says he been stupid I believe him but I can't let it go.
Your sentence about fast-tracking through some of the pain is bang on..thats how I feel..its the not knowing whats been said thats killing me and my belief in our relationship. That said once I know, I'll know IYSWIM
thanks for replying
sorry I'm not sure that made any sense at all.
Thank you Lifeissweet what you say is what I keep telling myself but I just don't seem to be able to stop pick pick picking. I just feel so crap about it all and don't know what to do for the best.
I have some friends who have been married for a number of years. A couple of years ago, the H had an affair. He confessed, apologised, she decided to keep the relationship alive and they had counselling. Since then, he makes sure that she has all of his passwords, can check his emails, his facebook, his phone...everything. Two years on he is still handing over his phone and bills every months so that she can check the sent messages against his bill.
However, she has never been able to trust him again, despite him being absolutely devoted and transparent and open with her. It's destroying the pair of them and it's heartbreaking to watch. He loves her and wants her to trust him, but he doesn't go out anymore because she makes it impossible for him. I was divorced a couple of years ago and she instantly became fixated with me and would not trust him to go out if I was there. She still hasn't quite shaken this off even though I'm 5 months pregnant with my DP's baby and have never found her DH attractive in that way at all.
It is destructive, so you have to be honest with yourself. He has done this to you, but if you suspect that you won't trust him again then it's potentially damaging for both of you.
Thats made me cry Lifeissweet. I can see me in all of that, completely. This is too sad..going for a large glass of wine and a cigarette. Thank you so much for posting that..I will think on it. xx
Hope you're ok OP? I have to be honest, if I was in your situation I would have to walk away. I would never be able to get past the deciet and would probably want to pick in to every little detail like you want to. Do you feel as if there may come a time when you can forgive him? Are you that sort of person that can move on from something like this? I think relationship counselling might be a good idea if possible. You sound very confused at the moment Have you got anyone in RL that will let you cry on their shoulder?
What you need to ask is what you want to do with this information.
Because even if you find these texts, what are you going to do with them? You've presumably already confronted your dh about this so what more is to be gained from seeing them? And what if you find nothing - will you be able to let it go then? at what point do you think that you will be able to stop snooping?
Because while your reaction is understandable, there does come a point where you need to move on from it. Because while your h has made a mistake, he deserves the right to put that mistake right and to be allowed to move on from it also.
The need to check and double check is utterly destructive, an while the motivation for doing so is understandable, the reality is that it achieves nothing other than hurt on all sides.
If he has an iPhone it syncs texts, voicemails, photos, everything to your computer each time you plug it into iTunes. I read every text between my XP and the OW this way. It broke my heart but I needed to see that the man I adored was not so lovely after all.
I am so, so sorry love
If you know my posts, you will be aware I abhor cheating and would advise against staying with someone who can do this to you
You have decided to give it another go. Fair play to you
Now in that situation, I would advise that you look at his behaviour now and in the future
you know he must have lied and deceived and made an absolute cunt of himself in the past
that is a given
seeing that in print will not help you now (unless you need an excuse to end it with him...and tbh, you had that already)
so, I would say...let the past go
and make sure the present and the future is taken care of
he must be completely transparent wrt to email, texts, nights out, mobile phone, skype etc etc
nothing must be hidden
he must be home when he says he will be
he must show you every day how much he wants you not just his comfy crash pad until something better turns up
all the best, you sound lovely x
This is a tricky one, because it depends on what you want to know and why.
Is it that you suspect this affair did become physical and he's lying to you? Or is it that you think that he's underplayed his role in what happened? Or perhaps you still can't quite believe this of him and feel you need a reality check?
I don't really believe in emotional affairs, in the sense that they wouldn't have stayed non-physical forever. In my experience, the only thing that normally stops them becoming a sexual affair is if one of the parties gets cold feet, or the whole thing is discovered. If this only stopped because you found out, then I think your DP has got to be honest with you and probably himself, that this would have gone further.
If he confessed to you though and you have some proof that he stopped this and not her, then I think you've got more trust and faith to build on.
I think this sort of honesty is going to be worth more to you than seeing the texts tbh, but I can understand why you want to see stuff with your own eyes, because I imagine it's very hard having total belief in someone who lied to you so recently.
So on balance, I don't think you can draw a line under this and move on, until your DP is able to reassure you that your worst fears are groundless. I think once you've talked more, you have to come to a decision. If all your instincts are telling you that he is lying, then trust will never return. But if everything he says seems to add up and he doesn't keep changing his story, then you have to make a decision about whether you can move on with him.
good advice, LG
a sim card reader won't help with those issues
having trust and belief in him is the only thing that will
if you don't have that...you have nothing
Hi i think you have to go with your gut feeling if you have a feeling that you need to see what was said between them then you already know it is more than what he lets on but if you don't feel the need to see everything then you do still trust & believe him..If you get what i'm meaning to say haha..hope this kinda helps.. x
I remember wanting to know everything but I am now glad that I resisted, it took me a few months to finally be able to let go and start focusing on the present/future.
I have access to my H's internet history, mobile, laptop, emails etc so can check on these any time I need to.
Thank you all so so much for the replies they are very much appreciated. I'm sorry I never got back on last night but after some very enlightening posts I needed to think over what I was doing and why.
GRT I guess time will tell, at the moment I feel we go 2 steps forward 3 steps back. I am finding it hard to trust anything he says but he has been open with his phone, facebook, P/words etc since revelation day. We are going to Relate - first session next week I hope this will help with that.
Wannabe Your post gave me a lot to think about - I think the reason that I want to read all these posts is to punish
DH, it gives me more ammunition IYSWIM. God that sounds horrid but I'm being honest here - I really think this is why I'm wanting to do it..I am not wanting to make it easy for him and him watching me hurt is making him suffer. This I now realise is warped thinking and again hope counselling will help me through.
Nakhon Thanks for that - I have decided
for now to try and let it go.
ACF I am very familiar with your threads, I usually end up nodding at the screen - you talk
mostly sense Thanks for your post it helped me make my decision NOT to try and open these messages. Can I also say thank you for the last three words on your first post.....last night I really needed to hear something kind....Thank You.
LG I am fairly certain the EA never turned Physical - would it if I hadn't found out ? I'm not so sure. I think this is half the battle - I put I stop to it not H. He says it was cooling down..he'd asked her to stop texting quite so much, but his bill shows no evidence of this until Rev. day when all contact stopped and nothing since. Hopefully Relate can help me through the fact that I stopped it and not him. Again I guess time will tell. Lets hope they work miracles!!
PDAB I know exactly what you mean I dont think (for me anyhow) its as case of how much I still trust and believe him, I know he played me, the level of deceit was really quite something and thats what I am having trouble moving on from . The fact the lies flowed so easily to someone who was supposed to be his whole world...pah its shit it really is. I at the moment have no trust and thats the whole point of my OP I guess.
MAHC Thanks for your post. It sounds as if you had something similar happen to you and that you are working your way through it. I guess I need to start focusing on the fact that he says hes sorry and is desperate to put it right. I also have open access to his phone, laptop etc (sad tho isnt it L) I beat myself up for checking but there is no way we could of gone on as a couple if he hadnt done this. Tell me it does get easier - It would be soooo much easier if I didn't love him.
Anyhow, thanks ever so much to you all ..youre all great (but you knew that )
Good luck with Relate and all the best x
Join the discussion
Please login first.