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Feeling sad. Never loved and never been loved.

(13 Posts)
HullEnzia Fri 07-Oct-11 15:47:11

I'm 30 and have 2 kids, yet I've never been in a GOOD relationship. I've never truly loved anyone and I'm 99.9% sure that none of my ex partners have truly loved me. After my last disastrous relationship I decided I'd never "settle" for anyone again and I would spend time on myself before jumping into anything again - but I'm so sad I'm terrified I'll never find anyone.

One day last year I was coming home from work one evening. It was about 7pm and I was on the bus, it was december, cold, frosty, christmas decorations in windows and house/bus lights on. The bus drove down a particular favourite street of mine (not really posh, just your average middle class semi bay window type houses) and in one of the houses the Christmas lights were on and a couple were on the living room floor laughing and wrapping presents. My imagination tells me they were also sharing a bottle of wine too. The image has always stuck in my head ever since and it makes me want to cry when I think of it because I've never had that. All my exes have never wanted to spend any time with me choosing xboxs/tv etc over me everytime and now - every christmas I spend alone. Yes I have the kids and I'm grateful for that but every christmas eve I go to bed alone and everything christmas morning I wake up alone. I'm just feeling so sad about it at the moment. sad

Where is he hiding? sad

icemaidensu Fri 07-Oct-11 15:52:16

Sending you a hug ...!! X

HullEnzia Fri 07-Oct-11 15:52:16

It's not just Christmas either, its everything. I got an award last year and everyone turned up with their husbands/partners. I had nobody to go with so just didn't bother going. I feel like it's constantly thrown in my face that I'm on my own. There is never anyone there iywim? and there never has been.

HullEnzia Fri 07-Oct-11 15:52:44

Thank you Ice smile x

Notquitegrownup Fri 07-Oct-11 15:56:43

Aw bless you. I hope this little story helps. I really really stuggled after my ds was born, with awful pnd, and my marriage really struggled too. During this time I went to a party and watched someone I knew with her dh. They were the perfect couple - he was totally involved with the kids, attentive to her, loving, cheerful - I felt a total mess in comparison, and couldn't help but look at dh who was chatting away to his mates, oblivious to me struggling with my ds and feeling awful.

My feelings changed the next month when I bumped into this girl again, covered in bruises. She announced that she was living in a hostel as her 'd'h had done that to her, and had been abusing the kids, for months, too!!!

The scene through the window may have looked ideal but you never know what lies beneath the surface. Christmas is especially hard if you are unhappy as other people seem so much better off - but so many of them end up splitting up or attempting divorce . . . .

You are so right not to settle for someone but to wait for someone special to come along., someone who really values you. In the meantime, don't forget to be your own best friend. Really make sure that you love and treat yourself well, and concentrate on finding friends who value you too.

Wishing you all the best.

HullEnzia Fri 07-Oct-11 16:02:25

Thank You GrownUp. You're right of course, that window scene could well have been one good moment in years of hell - we never know the full story.

I went out with a couple of friends last weekend and ended up in a club and everyone I looked at looked like they were under the age of 25. I just feel like I'm never going to find anyone. I'm at University full time now (95% women and the guys that are there are very young/gay/married). I just can't see how I'm ever going to meet anyone and it frightens me so much. I'm so tempted to do the internet dating thing again but that's where I've found idiots in the past and it puts me off.

bejiggery Fri 07-Oct-11 16:05:38

It's a cliche but you are probably not ready to meet the right person yet. You need to be happy with yourself on your own first. I spent my teens and early 20's attracting knobheads but when I look back I wasn't ready for a proper grownup relationship with a nice man and looking back now I dismissed the nice ones out of hand, but found the players irresistable. I can only see that now in retrospect at the time I thought I was destined to be alone whilst everyone was with someone. I traveled a bit which showed me I could be independent and happy on my own and then I met DH.

You are still young. I would say don't focus on finding someone but focus on improving your life and being happy with it without a man either by spending more time with friends, going to the gym or starting a hobby and meeting new people. Perhaps do some volunteer work if you can spare the time. Believe me when you're in the right place and really couldn't care any more is when they seem to come along.

Hullygully Fri 07-Oct-11 16:06:52

HullEnzia

You are very young. (I am old so I can say that). You will meet someone, and you are now in a good place to do so because you know yourself, and you know what does and doesn't work. Of course you get sad and lonely sometimes, but so do plenty of married people, and for them there's no escape.

I didn't meet my dh until I was in my 30s (and nor did many people I know), and the good thing about it is that we were all old enough to make it work properly. Keep the faith! You'll be cool.

MilkandWine Fri 07-Oct-11 16:21:18

HullEnzia.

Just to echo Hullygully's wise words, you are SO young! 30 is nothing in this day and age. You have loads of time to meet somebody and you now know exactly what you won't tolerate in a future relationship.

I am 32 and I have just gone out of a LTR and of course it is scary to be alone. But you have to look at the positive sides as well. Consider this as a time where you can really get to know yourself and concentrate on you. Well done for going back to uni as well, you are doing amazing things and you should be very proud of yourself.

Also never make the mistake of thinking you are too 'old' to go out to clubs and whatnot. Of course you aren't! Don't forget as well that people look a lot younger these days. You might be thinking someone is under 25 but that might not be the case. I got talking to a really cute guy last Friday in a club thinking he was about 24 and it turned out he was the same age as me. In fact he was thinking I was younger than him! Get out there, enjoy yourself and try and take things as they come.

Whenever I get lonely I try and think of all the positive things that I am doing with my life and remind myself that it will all turn out fine in the end. This may sound rubbish but whenever I get scared or depressed I just repeat to myself 'I am a strong, confident woman and I deserve nothing but the best'. Sounds silly but it works for me!

HullEnzia Fri 07-Oct-11 16:48:05

Thanks for the replies everyone. 30 seems old when you're used to being in your 20s grin I guess I'm just having a bit of a wobble because a)I'm hormonal and b) people keep going on about Christmas.

DirtyDawg Fri 07-Oct-11 18:06:03

Hull I came out of a LTR in Feb, I was feeling like a washed up old trout (am 33) and feeling like you do, I have spent the last 8 months or so, getting to know me, eating ice cream when I wanted to, going out with friends when I wanted to, ex-DP was very controlling and very jealous, best thing I ever did was ditch him!

Anyway fast forward to now and tried internet dating for the very first time and have met a wonderful bloke on there, he buys me flowers just because he can, we go walking along the beach...........you just never know when Mr. Right will come along, it's a god awful feeling you have but he will come along, he just hasn't found you yet........chin up and start thinking you are the best person in your life grin because you are!

kunahero Fri 07-Oct-11 19:02:42

HullEnzia

If its any help you and your dcs are very welcome to come and spend xmas with us, so you dont have to be alone. I'll even lend you my cat to wake up with.

L know the feeling when you look in those warm cosy windows but like others have said you just never know what goes on behind those curtains. Trust me the grass is rarely greener on the other side of the fence.....as my ex dw found out smile

garlicScaresVampires Fri 07-Oct-11 19:55:10

This will be cold comfort to you, sweetheart, but I'm in the same situation only WITHOUT children and TWICE your age. Also, I have decided I don't like my birth family very much so my sibs, who used to be my closest friends, are now jus 'some relations'.

I am not miserable.

This has everything to do with a very long time alone - literally; if I don't go to the shops I don't speak to another human most days - and therapy. There's no reason at all to suggest you 'need' therapy! But, as I'm now a convert, I believe almost everybody would benefit from it.

Instead of cluttering your thread with pointless psychobabble (that makes a change!), I shall presume to recommend two books to you:
Windy Dryden's assertiveness guide and
Marisa Peer's confidence course.

You tend to meet the best partners when you don't need any smile

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