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What do you do when the spark has fizzled? Advice need please

(14 Posts)
makemineaquadruple Fri 07-Oct-11 14:49:09

Hello all!

I actually posted about this in special needs talk as my dd possibly has mild asd. I felt that her needs were very relivent to my dilema and so that's why I started the thread there rather than here. Although I did get some good advice, I feel I could do with some fresh opinions iyswim.

OK so dp and I have been together for 8 years. We have been engaged for most of that time, but put off getting married due to money etc. At least that's what I always said. Looking back, I think i've been holding back because i'm not sure he's the right man for me.

I don't think i've felt the spark for years. Our "honeymoon period" was over pretty much as soon as it begun. For me anyway. I If you met him, you might think I was crazy not to feel the spark. He's good looking, committed, hard working, ambitious and loves me and our dd more than anything in the world. The down sides to him though seem to be over taking the good sides recently. He can be incredibly inconsiderate, rude and I sometimes feel like he doesn't know me. Whereas he finds the same things funny that I do, He very rarely makes me laugh and this is very important to me. I completely get the expression "laughed into bed". I find it bizarre sometimes that we ever got together because a sense of humour has always been so important to me. On a more worrying side, i've found myself thinking a lot about other men recently. Dp assumes that I have a low sex drive because we're not really sleeping together(been 2 months now), but really I have a very healthy sex drive, I just rarely feel that kind of desire for him. If i'm being really honest it's usually only when i've had several glasses of wine when that happens. I know i'm being very open here, but it's important for you to get the full picture so that hopefully someone can offer advice.

Everyone always says what a good couple we look. We do on the outside, look like we match, but on the inside we're so different.

I worry that when I get back to work soon someone might turn my head and i'll consider an affair. I know that's not going to help anyone. I don't believe the only reason i've stayed with him this long is for our dd, but it's certainly the biggest reason. I should say that I do love him and I can't see that ever changing. I suppose really I just want to know how important people believe being in love is, as apposed to just loving someone.

I feel too young to accept that i'll never get those butterflies again. I crave that first flush feeling. I can't stop thinking about it and in truth I can't see how me and dp can get that back. Maybe this is why i've been thinking about other men a lot recently.

Any advice or experiences would be really appreciated. Sorry for the length.

Thanks for reading.

mumsamilitant Fri 07-Oct-11 15:27:44

It's time to take a deep breath and throw in the towel really isn't it. What's stopping you? The ususal one is fear of being alone.

makemineaquadruple Fri 07-Oct-11 18:42:31

I don't think it's fear of being alone. I'm not one of those people who's always had to be in a relationship. I think the main reason(apart from dd)I haven't ending things is because i'm really not sure i'd be doing the right thing. I'm not sure if what i want is realistic. Is it not just a case of "the grass is always greener"? I just look at other couples and even couples which I know are having problems and I think how easy they look together. I never really feel like we're a couple when we're with other couples. I have to admit I almost dread going out with our friends because it makes me feel uncomfortable. When i'm on my own with them I have a good time. However when dp comes, I can't seem to enjoy myself. I know it sounds awful, but i'm wondering if this is actually a common problem and maybe the answer isn't to run. I just don't know. My heads so messed up.

MakingMyMindUp Fri 07-Oct-11 19:22:05

makemine I seem to be in the same boat (see my post of about 15mins before yours!)

I don't know what teh answer is - I read the threads on MN where woman positively gush about their OH's and I think they just can't be true but I guess people do feel like that about their partners and like you I feel I am too young to never feel like that again.

To leave would be to destroy everything though. It's not that I am scared of being alone, in some ways I would relish it, but to deliberately take my DC away from their father? It is that that I ma scared of.

mumsamilitant Fri 07-Oct-11 20:35:26

In my book relationships go through highs and lows. I sometimes look at my partner and want to punch his face in. We sometimes are so out of kilter it's ridiculous. But it balances itself out somehow.

If you're really unhappy though and have been for long period of time, then you probably need to let go.

I also know people who have divorced and then remarried.

mumsamilitant Fri 07-Oct-11 20:37:05

It also sounds that you are rather irritated/ashamed of your dp Makemine. Respect is an important part of a relationship.

JohnnyRod Fri 07-Oct-11 21:10:58

Makemine, yes relationships go through all manner of ups and downs, and they'll never end up the way they started. This doesn't mean it's any worse than it was, necessarily, it's just changing. Yes on paper you sound perfect, but maybe it's time to do some talking. I can be a stroppy twat with the DW, but I can be that with anyone, mostly without realising or meaning anything by it. Maybe he doesn't realise how much he can get to you, it's not uncommon. From some of the stuff you've said, you've done a lot of thinking about it on your own, but not actually talked to him or anyone else about it till now. Ditch the kids, have a weekend away, be prepared to say what you mean, and have a bit of a go. Don't stick your head in the sand or you might as well jack it in now without trying.

makemineaquadruple Fri 07-Oct-11 23:53:33

Thanks everyone for your advice. I'm glad i've got quite contrasting points of views. It balances things out I suppose.

mums, I think you've hit the nail on the head there actually when you said I was ashamed of my dp. I know that sounds awful! It really does and in some ways i'm incredibly proud of him. He does some things that I could never do and completely look up to and admire.

johnny, I actually have spoken very openly to dp about my feelings. It would be wrong of me if I kept all these thoughts to myself. They're too important. I'm getting lots of promises that things will change and that he'll become more attentive and less hot headed etc, but has it happened.....................nope. I sometimes wish I didn't love him. Believe me i've tried. If I was to leave, it certainly wouldn't be a case of giving in. I've been trying for the last 7 years if i'm being completely honest. I always felt like I could help him. He says this to me. If I left him, i'm worried he'll go back to his old ways and therefore become a worse father for our dd. So I feel an abnormal amount of responsibility. I know that this wont make sense to people unless they knew dp and I, but hopefully you can sort of see where i'm coming from. We do actually have time without dd quite a lot. We went away for the night just the 2 of us a few months ago. I was so looking forward to it and in my head it was going to be perfect. As soon as we got there though I felt almost depressed at the reality. I wanted to go out to dinner in the city we got engaged and feel that longing all over again. That excitment, that thrill. Obviously that didn't happen, hence everything I have written.

Can you get it back? Is it too late when you're feeling this?..............or more to the point, not feeling this.

Sorry again for the length of this.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Sat 08-Oct-11 03:54:03

It seems to me that much as you sometimes 'look up to and admire' his achievements, that you've lost respect for him you need to work out why this has happened and why you feel ashamed of him.

If I left him, i'm worried he'll go back to his old ways What were his 'old ways'? Did you 'rescue' him from himself or some other fate worse than death?

makemineaquadruple Sat 08-Oct-11 10:27:09

izzy, I suppose at the time we sort of rescued each other. I was, for some reason, going from one bad boy to the next and I don't think I really knew my worth. When I met dp he seemed so different to the other men i'd been with. He hung around with my kind of people, he was from a good(ish) background and he made me feel safe and special I guesss. As little as a few months down the line I realised though that I got caught up in the soppy haze of the first flush, can't bear to be apart phase. I started to see his flaws and there were quite a lot. He was very moody, aggressvie, uneducated and rather aware of himself. A drama king you might say. I sometimes wonder if it's just me. Am I trying to find someone who doesn't exist. I don't believe in fairytales, but I don't want to believe that if they did exsist that this would be mine. I'd like to think I deserved more. At least deserved to be happy. I want to hold hands, laugh uncontrolably and forget that anyone else exisited for a few moments. God, I know that sounds so soppy and i'm not a huge romantic, but that really is what I want and i'm not sure i've ever had that.

Whenever dp makes a move on me(most nights) I freeze and I just think how can I get out of it tonight? I have no intimacy issues and I really enjoy sex, so why can't I just let go? I love him, I know he's attractive, we have the opportunity, yet I just don't want him. I know that screams get out now, there's nothing left, maybe i'm hoping someone will say that even when it get's to that point, you can still get it back.......When the love is still there and you have kids, don't you have to?

tellmethefuture Sat 08-Oct-11 11:10:05

Am I trying to find someone who doesn't exist.

Well you do come across as someone with v high expectations to be honest, especially if you view uneducated as a black mark against a person. Personally I've never found folk who are uneducated in the academic sense to have fewer qualities as people than folk who are educated.

One shouldn't try to change the essence of a person. Obviously he has faults (as we all do) and it's up to him to realise that and try and change, but he also has fundamental character traits that someone else may not have a problem with, even if you do, and you can't really expect him to change those...

togetherwehaveitall Sat 08-Oct-11 17:51:28

Sounds to me as tho you've not met the right man yet. ... Going from bad boys to this safe man, but then finding him not right either. You sound like you want depth, passion and excitement.

I once was with a man who was moody, aggressive, less educated than me and also a drama king. It got so I rolled my eyes when he came in. One night he really kicked off and I wanted to watch something I'd been getting into on TV. He kicked off big time tho and tipped one of my drawers out on the floor yelling 'Get out!!!' Well that was a boundary crossed for me, and I did get out, but I went to a local hotel and all I wanted to do was get in the room to catch the TV program! He irritated me so much!

I don't envy you tho as you have a child here. Its just a shame that you had him with this man and didn't sort the man thing out before having the child. I am 37 now and didn't settle on my man, but I think I have missed the childbearing years as a result. oh well

JohnnyRod Sat 08-Oct-11 23:09:02

Blimey bit of a can of worms n'est pas? Makemine how come you've sat on it for 7 years and had kids together and still hung in there? It's a lot of water under the bridge. Maybe it's easy to say now, I don't know, and all just happened anyway, hindsight is a great thing. TMTF could have a point, are you looking for the moon on a stick? or is TWHIA right, he's not the right one?

Okay for my 2p, and you know this is just an opinion, you only get that I'm-gonna-shit-myself feeling early on. It's a bit like jumping off a bridge. For me, later on you might not have the head-spinning adrenalin, but it's replaced by other feelings that can bring tears to my eyes when I see Mrs. Rod. I think this is what's called love but maybe it's vomit. To my simple Neanderthal brain, if you can't live without the adrenalin, you'll never get far with anyone and will carry one seeing one bad boy after another. Whether this is for you, is up to you, we're all different. I'll say this though, as a bloke, there are a lot of tossers out there!

hope this helps! No, seriously, I can't see how but I hope so...

makemineaquadruple Sun 09-Oct-11 12:03:59

johnny thanks for the straight talking. I know it sounds ridiculous that i've known this for 7 years and still stuck around. Yes, i've had a child with him(children aren't always expected) and of course I don't regret her. She's made me the person I am in many ways. Things don't always work out the way you've planned and i'm far from perfect, but i'd like to think I wasn't the kind of person who is so unrealistic and expects as you say "the moon on a stick". The thought of that upsets me actually. I don't think i'm that kind of person.

My god though, you're right when you say there are a lot of tossers out there! The problem is, I sometimes wonder if my dp is one of them. Harsh? Maybe, but unfortunately I do occasionally feel that way. Maybe that's normal, I don't know. Bloody hell, i'm just going round and round in circles!!!

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