Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Not allowed male friends, normal?

(127 Posts)
ToPeeOrNotToPee Fri 07-Oct-11 14:14:02

Hi everyone,

I've been friends with an ex-coworker for a few years now. It is completely platonic. My DP is not happy about it at all, and thinks that men will always have an ulterior motive for being friends with women I.e wanting to 'fuck them'.

I've been friends with the coworker longer than I've been with DP. it would break my friends heart if I ended the friendship, but my DP says he won't put up with it for long.

WWYD? Help.

Hullygully Fri 07-Oct-11 14:15:12

tell dp to fuck off

MilicentBystander Fri 07-Oct-11 14:17:10

You know it's unreasonable.
You know he's being a jealous, nasty and controlling twat.
You aren't married, tell him to fuck off.

It really is that simple.

vixsatis Fri 07-Oct-11 14:17:27

You should tell your DP to fuck off and that you will choose your own friends.

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Fri 07-Oct-11 14:17:37

No, not normal at all. And not acceptable.

His insecurities are his issue to resolve, not for you to change your own behaviour over. Plus how dare he give you orders like that.

TanteRose Fri 07-Oct-11 14:20:23

"DP says he won't put up with it for long"

put up with what?? talking to a MAN?

is your DP actually a time traveller from Victorian England?

<has an attack of the vapours>

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep Fri 07-Oct-11 14:20:36

You say, "he won't put up with it for long"

What did he threaten would happen?

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Fri 07-Oct-11 14:21:58

Even if he didn't spell out a consequence, it remains a threat.

Vile behaviour.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows Fri 07-Oct-11 14:24:49

No, it's not normal for a partner to dictate to you who you can and can't be friends with. In fact, it's a big fat warning sign that they are a bit of a nob.

MilicentBystander Fri 07-Oct-11 14:25:23

And that you should leave.

ToPeeOrNotToPee Fri 07-Oct-11 14:25:29

End it I suppose sad

He just called me from work really upset and angry because of a fb message on my wall, along the lines of nice seeing you etc.

I know I'm at fault a bit because I don't tell him when he pops round to my work for a coffee and I should, but I don't because he doesn't like it.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Fri 07-Oct-11 14:25:31

Your DP should not be using phrases about "putting up with" when talking to you. Kick him into touch before he issues any more ultimatums about what he won't put up with.

pollyblue Fri 07-Oct-11 14:25:35

No, his attitude is rotten. DH's closest friend is a woman he met at uni, they've been good mates for over 20 years. My oldest/closest friends are a couple of blokes I've known almost as long.

If you get on with someone, you get on. Gender and "fancying" don't always come into it.

And I would not put up with a partner telling me who i could be friends with.

PhilipJFry Fri 07-Oct-11 14:26:20

Your partner has a very distorted view of other men and seriously, the fact that he is saying these sorts of things is a bad sign.

ineedabodytransplant Fri 07-Oct-11 14:26:32

I take it he has no female friends.

Not it isn't normal behaviour at all.

What next? Stop you having female friends?

Your life, you choose your own friends.

windsorTides Fri 07-Oct-11 14:26:56

Do not, under any circumstances dump your friend.

Your partner doesn't seem to factor into this that even if your friend had the raging hots for you, it would be up to you to say no. If he's also threatening to end the relationship because of it, it's bullying.

What he's telling you though is that as a man, he cannot see past women's sexuality when he interacts with them and so if he were unfaithful himself, it wouldn't be his fault because in his world, men can't meet or work alongside women without wanting to fuck them.

What he is accusing your friend of, is true of him.

MilicentBystander Fri 07-Oct-11 14:27:12

Fucks sake.

You are not at fault, he's a nasty controlling cunt.

You need to leave. men like him are scum and if women refused to live with men like that, they;d have to change or remain celibate.

pollyblue Fri 07-Oct-11 14:27:48

You're going to end up backing yourself into a horrible corner over this - not telling DH you've seen your frieind because you think he'll kick off/telling your DH you've seen you're friend and he'll kick off anyway - you can't win.

Backbone girl! Stand up for yourself.

pollyblue Fri 07-Oct-11 14:29:11

sorry, shocking typing.

NettleTea Fri 07-Oct-11 14:32:34

and you shouldnt need to tell him if your friend pops in for coffee. Does he tell you about everyone he speaks to all day? If it comes up in conversation, you should be able to feel at ease to mention you have seen your mate. The fact you feel you have to hide it is not right. My DP was happy for me to go and stay at my male friend's flat for a week when I had to go to college in London for my exams.
Its worrying that he thinks this way about how men view women - says more about how HE views women TBH

Flowered Fri 07-Oct-11 14:32:57

Tell him thats fine so long as he's prepared not to talk to any woman under 50, no 60, EVER!

B52s Fri 07-Oct-11 14:36:38

Not normal. I don't always tell my DH when I meet my friends. Why would I?

Get rid, and find someone normal.

Ephiny Fri 07-Oct-11 14:37:22

No it isn't normal at all, it's not for him to decide whether he'll 'put up with' you being friends with someone. Please don't end a good friendship for his sake.

What do you think will happen when he stops 'putting up with it'?

Cheeseandseveredfingersarnie Fri 07-Oct-11 14:40:09

my dh is the same,i am obviously sleeping with every male that i speak to,infact i dont even have to speak,maybe smile.
ive never had an affair,im no head turner,it is just silly.
its made friendships uncomfortable but ive never stopped speaking to someone because of him.
hes now a postie so knows where all my 'fancy men' live so now im having affairs by postcode!

Katisha Fri 07-Oct-11 14:41:33

Is he controlling in other ways? Do you feel you have to walk on eggshells around him in case he goes off on one?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: