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About to cease contact with mother-why do I feel such anger?

(9 Posts)
Thumbelina46 Fri 07-Oct-11 13:35:04

Just wondering if any of you lovely experienced ladies could perhaps help me out? Many of you seem very clear and sorted about such issues. I have always got on well with my mother(I'm eldest of 3) but looking back I think its because I was almost like a clone-thought like her ,always agreed with her etc. I suffered very severely with anorexia and bulimia from age 12 until 30(now 47) and to this day I dont know what triggered it. My mother is a very cold,hard lady-great fun,life and soul of party,popular with friends etc but hard as nails. Growing up we had a lovely life etc but never any praise or encouragement- mostly criticism(but not in a severe way) and always trying hard to please. I moved to another country when I was 21 and got married,had 2 kids etc and went back to visit a lot.Then my darling dad(who was wonderful) died 8 yrs ago and we decided to move back near my mother for many reasons- schools better, dh job prospects better etc but once we came back I cannot describe the anger and vitriol that I felt for my mother being so close to her again on a daily basis after 17 yrs away-disagreed with her about everything,constantly arguing with her etc. She would be very involved in our day to day lives but still a very cold,hard overly-critical woman. My ds was recently diagnosed with Aspergers which we are still coming to terms with and we were advised by all the professionals to only tell people on a need to know basis and I discovered last week that she has gone and told her little group of friends which I had specifically asked her not to do. I feel so hurt and let down by her-again- and when telling her as much on phone last week she hung up and no contact since. I think I will completely cease contact now but I am wondering if anyone else has experienced such intense anger for what appears to be no apparant reason. I have always been an angry ,insecure person but I just want to discover what has caused such intense feelings of anger,almost hatred at times. Has anyone got any experience of a similar situation? Sorry I've gone on a bit. sad

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Fri 07-Oct-11 14:15:20

Try this on for size: You are angry at her because your childhood need to be encouraged, praised, comforted and nurtured was not met by your mother, leaving you with a hole in your self-esteem that was not your doing, but your mother's.

Becoming a mother yourself, and the death of the parent who was kinder towards you, emphasised this, and now the whole lot has been shown up in sharp relief because you have moved closer to your mother.

Baiscally, you have unfinished business with her. Which she will not provide closure for, meaning you are going to have to process that anger and that craving/mourning for a proper mother yourself.

Have you visited the Stately Homes threads?

LesserOfTwoWeevils Fri 07-Oct-11 14:23:47

No apparent reason? You have plenty of reason to be angry with her, both because of the incident last week when she betrayed your confidence and then refused to admit she was wrong, and because of your past experience of her. From your account it sounds as though you suffered from emotional neglect when you were growing up; that can be far more damaging than people realise (you might find it useful to read the wonderful Pete Walker on that).
And she's an emotional vampire too. As with the news about your DS, the purpose of your life is to provide material for her—her friends will now sympathise because she has a grandchild with Aspergers. It's all about her.
Moving away probably saved your sanity. Now that you're back after escaping her clutches, of course you want to stand up for yourself and not just do what she wants, and that's why you have so much trouble with her and why you're so angry.
You'll find lots of sympathetic understanding ears on the Stately Homes threads.

ToniSoprano Fri 07-Oct-11 14:24:58

Have similar mother but no relationship now (apart from the odd email and birthday card) for about seven years. Life much more restful without her, though tinged with sadness sometimes... Have realised she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder - please look this up and see if it applies, because if it does, then you can save yourself a lot of time and heartache by knowing that you can't do anything to make a difference. I hope it's not that way for you, and I hope you can resolve your differences by talking

Thumbelina46 Fri 07-Oct-11 23:28:29

Thank you all so much for your kind words.Real food for thought there.I think you summed it up in a nutshell ME AND MY PUMPKIN(love the halloween namechange-presume you were 'me and my puppy' ).I cant believe how well you nailed it. It looks so clearcut when written down by someone else who views it objectively.You have helped me enormously.Think you right about the Aspergers and the friends thing WEEVILS-hadnt thought about it like that.Thank you also for that link.Interesting about your mum TONI-will look at npd definitely.Unfortunately 'talking about stuff ' is not something my mother does. Know what you mean about the sadness though. Thank you all again-I really found it helpful.Wasnt sure I warranted being on the Stately Homes thread but you 3 have made me realise I do.smile

kaosandkisses Sat 08-Oct-11 13:22:05

Hi Thumbelina,
Perhaps we should both pop over to Stately Homes thread. My mother is probably insane and i know she is driving me right there too.... good luck x

Thumbelina46 Sat 08-Oct-11 16:46:23

Just been reading your thread KAOS and thinking how similar the situation is.Having ,like you, had no contact from her for a week, the phone rang several times this morning and I was amazed to see her number on caller display.I have ignored the phone and am not sure what to do next.It actually feels better not to have contact with her iykwim-more relaxed sort of. Like you, she has been very involved with the kids, babysitting etc but I have been amazed that they never mentioned her all week-we normally pop in after school etc. I feel like just staying away and having no contact anymore but am worried about repurcussions with kids,extended family etc.Some big family stuff looming-brother and family visiting from usa in 2 weeks, 80th birthday etc. Will be so awkward if I am not speaking to her!You are right kaos-we need to visit Stately Homes.See you there!wink

togetherwehaveitall Sat 08-Oct-11 17:30:55

Just in case you check in on this thread again, I want to say that the lack of negativity and meanness went a long way when I cut off my mother. No more manipulations, scenes and also a slap in the face for her about what she did and an open admission that I am speaking out.

The only thing is, what will you do when she rings up to ask what's going on?

Thumbelina46 Sat 08-Oct-11 17:41:13

Thanks TOGETHER. Not sure what I'm going to do-never answer phone again?hmm

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