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Can anyone help me help my friend who is being royally shafted right now?

(14 Posts)
NotSureofTheLaw Fri 07-Oct-11 11:07:34

I have a male friend who is currently in a total mess. A few years back he married a woman who has always been rather difficult and they spent tens of thousands of pounds on the wedding that they didn't have. She earns significanly more than he does - much more - and is a bit of a spend thrift. She alone in the last few years has spent about 40 thousand pounds on joint credit cards which she has secured against the house and he has been powerless to stop her. She hides debts and doesn't let him access accounts on which he is a joint partner. The house is on a 100% mortgage and is in negative equity. She has recently decided that the marriage is over and is having an open affair. Out every night til 1am if not the next morning and is leaving packets of contraceptives out in the bedroom. As he has never earned anything like what she does he didn't ever pay half the bills and she has given him a choice - either he finds another 600 pounds a month to cover his half of the bills so that he can continue to live there or he moves out and they rent out the house and he takes on £20,000 of the shared debt and walks away. Not only this as she 'bought' (purchased) everything in the house she says she owns it all and he has nothing to his name. He tried to stop her spending throughout but she would just change his passwords on accounts and tell him she dealt with the money and he basically had to leave her to it. He adores her and is heart broken. All he wants is her back and doesn't give a stuff about the financial side, just wants his wife back. I feel I have to try and deal with the practical stuff because he wont get a solicitor or anything and she is STILL spending like crazy - taking out hundreds of pounds in cash on the joint credit cards for nights out partying. There are no children. He is still running the home, feeding the vast zoo of animals and the horse that are hers and praying she will come home. I feel so desperate for him. Hes not eating or sleeping and cant go into work with stress and if it carries on might lose his job. Help me help him?

galleywench100 Fri 07-Oct-11 11:13:00

I think the blessing here is that they do not have kids. He seriously needs to get legal advice pronto.

Although she says she has bought everything in the house, they are a married couple and he is entitled to half, half of everything I'm sure.

If he doesnt seek advice soon he will not only end up with no wife but absolutly no financial stability whatsoever.

Good luck.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Fri 07-Oct-11 11:13:13

It seems that there's no hope for his marriage at the present time, and you're best advised to copy your post and put it on the legal board so that you get some suggestions as to what he's financially responsible for to date and how he can best protect himself from additional/future debt.

NotSureofTheLaw Fri 07-Oct-11 11:14:57

oooh - didn't realise there was a legal board - I'll try that. I thought people here might have more experience of this kind of thing.

AnotherMumOnHere Fri 07-Oct-11 11:16:20

Was browsing and didnt want your thread to go unanswered. Ive got no real answers but one thing I am sure of ......... your friend will never get his wife back (IMO). I really dont think it is a healthy relationship anyway. He will be better off without her though convincing him of that will be near to impossible.

The best thing you can do is be there for him when he does really need you ... if that is not yet.

I hope he doesnt get done over for too much.

Punkatheart Fri 07-Oct-11 11:16:52

Surely he can do something about the credit cards? He needs immediate legal advice - there cannot be any other path. He needs also to get help from his GP to help him with the stress. But he must wake up to the fact he is being used.

Poor guy - he sounds so lovely, too.

NotSureofTheLaw Fri 07-Oct-11 11:19:22

Hes a true old fashioned 'Always do the right thing - always, without exception' type of person. He's going to be a wonderful husband and father to someone else one day - I can't help him see it yet but over time he will get there. His wife is a bit of a princess - father was a multimillionaire as she was growing up. He's bankrupt now. hmm

nickelbabe Fri 07-Oct-11 11:22:41

He really, really needs to see a solicitor.

She's controlling the money, and then spending money that she's saying he has no right to, but that he has to pay off?

He would be better off to leave her, like it sounds like she wants him to.

and having an affair too - that's a deal-breaker on its own!

LittleHousebytheRiver Fri 07-Oct-11 11:24:34

It will be the saving of him if she has tired of him and wants to let him go. He can't see that yet because he is still under her spell but his only way out of financial ruin is to sever all ties with her financially. If he wasn't emotionally involved he would be closing all joints accounts and putting a legal thingy on the house to stop her borrowing against it. He may be getting off lightly if he only loses £20,000

Truly love is blind!

nickelbabe Fri 07-Oct-11 11:26:27

Let's put it this way, if this were a man doing it, you would know the answer would be to leave the abusive man.
It makes no difference whether the man is the abuser or the woman, it's the same, and he needs to get out before it escalates.

NotSureofTheLaw Fri 07-Oct-11 11:30:48

Oh I know he has to leave her. He's sort of accepting that - she says the marriage is over regardless but he can live in the house if he wants so that she can afford to keep it. If he wants to leave he has to pay his 'share' of the debt. The way she sees it shes doing him a favour as its only 'the wedding' he's paying for and she is taking on all the consumer debt - of which there is significantly more. In reality he spent none of it and hasnt had any money to himself for years trying to keep up with her interest payments. He got a payrise last month and she instantly claimed it as hers because he didnt 'pay his way' when she bought a house he couldn't have ever afforded without her. Its so horrid.

zipzap Fri 07-Oct-11 11:32:24

If she is spending on joint credit cards then I would ring up the cc company, explain what is happening and get the account frozen and his name taken off ASAP. Likewise I'd empty the joint bank account into his account so he has some money to pay towards things and then get his name taken off the joint account too.

Then see if it is possible to get a chsrge put on the house so it can't be sold without notifying him. And maybe look into selling the animals if they are hers but he is having to look after them. Gutting for him I know but might be a way to start severing ties... And make the wife realise he is serious.

I'd also go looking on the moneysavingexpert boards to see if people there have any more practical advice. Lots of people must go through divorce proceedings where one partner is reckless with the money and expects the other to pay. So you think that there must be mechanisms on place to stop it getting bad and provide advice to those who are the victims...

RoloTamasi Fri 07-Oct-11 11:48:53

Does the house have a doormat, or does he just lie down next to the door when she comes in?

NotSureofTheLaw Fri 07-Oct-11 11:54:15

its always been this way rolo - he's rather in awe of her. She's rather in awe of herself.

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