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dh not supportive

(21 Posts)
jan2011 Thu 06-Oct-11 20:59:39

i have just given birth a week and a half ago and am so upset every day. hubby and i are arguing every single day - is this normal? i thought this was the time they were supposed to support you. he has just started college full time, with 2 days off a week. he could only get a few days paternity, and has been back for a week full time. on the days off, he is going in to study from 9 - 5. he went to play footi a night after college, i have to go to bed at 8 as my baby is up all night and its the only time i will get any sleep so we hardly see each other and when we do all we do is fight. he expects me to be going out with the baby in the car at this stage and im not confident enough yet. he thinks im demanding too much when im upset because he isn't with me more. when he comes in he doesn't take the baby for me to get a break. everytime we talk about shared duties there are arguments, upsets and i just am so so unhappy - when i have visitors i am an entirely different person i am so much happier with others than with him. we haven't been getting on for a long time...is this post birth a stressful time for everyone or do you find your oH more supportive? i feel so alone and upset this is when i need the most support emotionally and i don't have it. am i being unreasonable? i just feel like leaving him. even when i am on my own i do better than dealing with arguments constantly i just cannot do it anymore. the only place i could go is my parents. im so tired. thanks for listening

Ratata Thu 06-Oct-11 21:04:10

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time, hugs xxx

Was your DH like this before the birth? Did he help you while you were pregnant, go to scans and be generally supportive and looking forward to the birth? What was your relationship like before you were pregnant? Did you argue?

buzzskeleton Thu 06-Oct-11 21:38:28

Well, the first weeks are a hell of a time. I wouldn't make any decisions to split just yet.

He does need to step up and take the baby to give you a break. Have you tried handing the baby over and retiring to bed/bath? It sounds like there's a lot going on for you both, but when you have a baby less than two weeks old he should be giving you his time whenever he can, not bogging off to play football.

It might be a good idea to have a few days at your parents, just to have a rest and a think.

squeakytoy Thu 06-Oct-11 23:45:07

Is it possible that your mum could come and stay with you for a few days so that you dont get out of your routine too much?

solidgoldbrass Fri 07-Oct-11 00:12:56

If he's a student, he's not supporting you financially, either, is he? What is he contributing to the family wellbeing?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Fri 07-Oct-11 00:21:27

'Mothering' a new born doesn't always come easily to men and your dh may simply be feeling out of his depth.

Are you breast feeding and co-sleeping with your pfb?

I'm sure it's very tempting to have a break with your dps, but I would suggest that you're best advised to spend the first few months under your own roof with dh so that he can continue bonding with his dc. Or maybe you could both spend a weekend with your dps away from the usual household chores?

Do you really need to talk about shared duties at the moment and, if so, what is causing most of the arguments you're having about your expectations of each other?

BertieBotts Fri 07-Oct-11 00:38:21

Was he always like this or is it a new thing? I only ask because I posted about XP being unsupportive (as he always had been, which was fine when I was all independent when we first got together, but found out pretty quickly that when I seriously needed him to be supportive he was just crap) when DS was tiny and got loads of replies about how men take longer to adjust than women and don't take to parenthood etc and I wanted to lamp people because they just weren't listening to me. Anyway even if men do somehow have a "clueless gene" (WTF? Sounds like a stupid excuse to me along the lines of "oh men just don't see dirt!" or "men need sex or their head will fall off" hmm hmm) he should at the very least be there for YOU.

Can your mum come and stay? You do need some support at the moment. It's hellishly hard with your first and if he's being twattish that can't be helping.

NatashaBee Fri 07-Oct-11 01:07:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Fri 07-Oct-11 01:39:59

<ducks to avoid lamping from BB>

If your dh has never done his fair share of cooking, cleaning, washing, and all of the other household drudgery, you're going to have your work cut out getting him to start now without him thinking that you're nagging.

Or is it that, when he's not at college, you expect him to be home especially in these first weeks while you're still marvelling at the miracle of pfb and need all the help you can get to adjust to the demands of new motherhood, but he thinks you're being uneasonable?

BertieBotts Fri 07-Oct-11 01:58:42

I'm not lamping anyone grin

Isn't that the point though? If your partner has never been supportive, the time to try and get them to pull their weight is not when you are vulnerable and stressed already. Even though that should be the time when they are picking up the slack more than their fair share. sad

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect him to be home if he's not doing something useful or important while out. After all, his wife is doing something very useful and important in looking after their baby!

Everyone needs a break, and that includes her - if he's going to college, I know he's working, but that is at least a change of scene, adult conversation, getting to use your brain, toilet breaks unaccompanied by screaming, coffee break coffee which gets to be drunk while still hot. Once you get more into the swing of things then you can both get out and about more for social/recreation things, but at the moment while OP is struggling he needs to be aware of that and not be off footballing with the excuse "Well she should be able to drive by now, it's not my fault she doesn't want to have a break." One of the most draining things about being a new parent is the sudden realisation that your time is no longer your own, nope, sorry, you don't get 5 minutes to wee in peace, you do it with a baby on your knee or listen to them scream outside the door. When they finally do fall asleep you don't know whether to sleep yourself or start on the massive backlog of housework. (OP I hope he at least washed his own football kit!)

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Fri 07-Oct-11 02:52:36

<considers self lamp free> grin

As BB's said, it's not fair if you're in thrall to the delectable tiny tyrant 24/7 while he gets to carry on as if he's a single man with no responsibilities.

If housework builds up - turn a blind eye and leave it. Do you what you need to do to have clean clothes for yourself & pfb, clear a path in the kitchen (sod what's in the sink - wash up only those items you need) so that you can make a snack/drink for yourself, and let him sort himself out.

Allow the hoover/brooms/mops etc to grow cobwebs until he uses them.

No-one ever died of taking a shower/bath in a dirty tub and cleaning the bathroom and the loo is a job for him. Get him a pair of Marigolds, bathroom cleaner, and a bottle of bleach, and set him to it.

Either send him out with a detailed list and map of what shops to go to, or shop for groceries/veg/loo rolls/household bits and bobs online.

If you're b/feeding, lie down on a bed with pfb between you and the wall (or their cot) and let them graze while you doze - a 5 minute nap can make a lot of difference when you're brain-addled through lack of sleep.

If you feel up to it, try to get out in the fresh air as often as weather permits - not in the car but just taking pfb in their buggy/sling to the park or local shops for half an hour a day as it's easy to feel isolated when you're indoors 27/7.

Make the most of whatever time you can grab for yourself either chilling on the sofa, mumsnetting (combine with b/feeding in the early hours), or just catching up with much-needed restorative sleep.

By the time pfb is 3 months you'll have it all down to a fine art - and will have hopefully kicked dh's arse into touch too.

Tip: don't expect him to clean to your standards immediately as what you can do one-handed may take him years of practising with both hands. smile

mamas12 Fri 07-Oct-11 18:15:02

He really isn't being supportive at all is.
Can you arrange to sit down together and talk about how you feel.
Get your mum or sister or someone to stay OR go stay with them.
You need support and if he isn't man enough then you have to find it elsewhere, how dare he leave you to do it all on your own.

gruesomerottingteeth Fri 07-Oct-11 19:57:50

The first 6 months I found the hardest and mine and DPs relationship was really tested. It can take a while to settle in to family life, neither of you have ever had to deal with this kind of life before and it will be a shock to both of you.
That said though, your DH does need to step up his game to support you more. This is a vulnerable time for you and he needs to be around more, doing even little things to help like changing a couple of nappies, doing a feed if baby is formula fed or just giving you a bit of time off to go have a nap or bath or something. You deserve downtime aswell.

Congratulations on your new born smile have some thanks

jan2011 Fri 07-Oct-11 20:18:01

thanks so much for all the replies i have carefully read them all and im thinking about all the suggestions.
hubby wasn't really very supportive while i was pregnant either - we were coming through a really rough patch at the time and went to marriage counselling which sort of improved things. its all the arguments that have such an effect on my emotional well being - i am left in tears a lot and can't pick myself up as easily whereas he just gets on with things. we did argue a lot but he was looking forward to the birth as well.
i would love to be able to stay at mums for awhile but they live too far away and i have alot of midwife appts at the minute due to some feeding problems and mastitis. my mum could come up and visit more though i hate bringing people into a bad home atmostphere though but i suppose i could get mum to take us out.
when we talk about shared duties he just says he couldn't do what i do, and he gets grumpy and tired if he misses out on sleep etc. then when im annoyed with him for stuff like sleeping in when he was supposed to do a nappy change before leaving for college and for upsetting me by not telling me he was going to be studying away the whole of his day off until bedtime the night before (i had made no other plans and ended up in house alone all day) he just says i am overeacting to his 'mistakes' and that everyone makes mistakes. but he keeps doing the same things over andover.
he says he is doing the degree to get a job which will provide money for the family and pay the rent etc when i tell him i want him here more. i understand that, but i feel he is just putting everything else first aside from the baby and me. trying to talk to him ends up in massive arguments which are spiralling me into depression and as ive had periods of bad depression before, im really worried about it developing into PND. i just don't know what to do. he wants me to get up tomorrow morning and forget about everything and start afresh. i want to but ive been hurt so much and i want him to realise how bad hes made me feel, i don't think i can just forgive and forget and act like its all not happening so quick.
i got out in the pram for the first time today and it did really help. i will try to keep up social contacts and not rely on himon his days off - but i am just sad, sad to be coming home to a bad atmostphere and arguments every night. i hope we can work this out and i hope its not just me that has to cave in again.
thanks for listening and thanks for your replies they did really help me.

solidgoldbrass Fri 07-Oct-11 20:30:36

He really is a dick, then. He thinks that because he's got a penis, he's the important one in the house and you are just there to look after him and the baby. He is putting himself first. He expects you to do the same. That was probably what was wrong in your relationship from the beginning.

mamas12 Fri 07-Oct-11 21:10:22

You sound so down. I think he is a major contributor in you getting even more depressed. Please watch out for yourself.
This man is not looking after you as you should be looked after. You have just had a baby, a massive huge adjustment to you your body and your whole life, his too of course but not as much.
You have to physically deal with your changing body, baby still making 'demands' on your body with breastfeeding (good luck btw hope it works for you - it's great when it does)
Please get yur mum up to help and it doesn't what you say about a bad atmosphere, it will change when she gets there because how can he have another witness to his shitty behaviour, irt could help. you never know.

he does sound like my ex though, couldn't stand me being pg and hated the baby stag and was very vocal about it too expecting and telling me that I was too deal with all.
My ex is an emotional, gaslighting controlling bully who I should have left after having my second child but I was persuade not to at the time by health visitor and phsyc nurse (I developed pnd apparently bring shame to his front door) because I shouldn't make a decision at that time but they were wrong and I should have.

sorry for rant but your post tugged at me

buzzskeleton Fri 07-Oct-11 22:10:38

Oh bless you, mastitis as well - you must feel like shit. sad

And your bloke is an arse - he couldn't do what you do, he gets grumpy? What a pathetic excuse - like you being exhausted is ok and won't affect your mood at all hmm. He'd rather let you struggle than lift a finger.

Get your mum down and get all the support you can.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy Fri 07-Oct-11 22:18:07

O honey, I wish I could come round to yours with a few cans of Guinness (doctors used to recommended it for 'nerves' and for b/feeding mums) a mahoosive box of delicious Belgian chocs and a big bunch of thanks to sustain you while I read your dh the riot act and kick his selfish arse into gear.

Mastitis can be acutely painful and, given dh's attitude, no wonder you're already feeling depressed. Please keep careful note of your feelings because pnd can sandbag you without warning - don't be afraid to unburden yourself to your HV/midwives etc.

I'm with mamas - you need reinforcements so draft your dm in and let her support you in every way she can. When you're not catching up on sleep, get out and about with her as much as possible - tiny babies are eminently portable and just sitting with your mum and a coffee in a lively cafe/bar will lift your spirits, plus there'll be 2 of you to take turns rocking and jiggling pfb if they start wailing so you'll get to finish your drink while its still hot.

Concentrate on yourself and pfb until you've got the feeding problems sorted - what have the midwives/HV recommended to alleviate the mastitis?

jan2011 Tue 11-Oct-11 15:20:21

hey
thanks for all your supportive replies. Izzy i have had some choc every day and it has helped lol. well i ended up having major arguments on saturday morning and was crying all morning and couldn't take no more so came down to stay at my mums. im still here, i think ill go back tomorrow, although i am worried about it - my baby is very demanding at the minute even with a lot of help - she is constipated and crying every time we put her down and still up every hour or so at night. but its been amazing having the help (mum helps during night) and not having the stress of conflict all the time.
dh has been down a couple of times and it has been ok, tonight he is coming down and we will talk about what is going to happen when i go back. i have said that i don't feel like going back as im not getting enough support. i just don't want it to end up in fights. does any of your dh help a bit with night feeds or is that too much to expect? when im at home i can barely function due to lack of sleep, here she sleeps in mums room till about 2 - 3 and mum will bring her in when she needs a feed and top up with bottle if needed, then i will take over. we both get sleep. i just don't know what is asking too much. all i know is we need to work as a team, as i do not have the resources to do it myself, i know others can, but im not strong enough! and i get resentful then. maybe i am just asking too much. i am worried about our chat tonight if we argue i will stay here longer but i have health visitor appts ect to get back too and i don't want to outstay my welcome (tho nana and papa r loving their new addition to the family)

cestlavielife Tue 11-Oct-11 15:59:56

go to local baby clinic - most are drop in anyway. just say you staying out of your home area. dont rush back just for hv!
give yourself a few weeks at mum and dad's if they happy to have you.

deste Tue 11-Oct-11 16:56:30

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter. It wont always be like this but you have done the right thing moving in with your mum, she sounds lovely. Stay there as long as you feel you need to because your Dh is being very selfish. I had the same with my first born with no help from my DH or my mum. The second time we were in our late thirties and he took over the first feed every night giving me a chance to sleep. I appreciate your DH is trying to improve his career prospects but he has to realise that you have just given birth and are still not back to normal. If he has to study on his days off he can help you out and give you a long lie at the weekend so that you can recharge your batteries. Surely he cant argue that one. I know you are feeling fragile but stand your ground. I dont have any grandchildren but if I was your mum I would not want you to leave.

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