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Is it possible to forgive and forget regarding husband people who have done this please

(9 Posts)
lifeshock Thu 06-Oct-11 15:51:42

Hello
Split up with my husband 8 months ago. He had a major mid life crisis, an EA with a mutual friend and totally rejected me finishing with him moving out. This was completely out of the blue for me and broke my heart, we had been together since we were 16 over 19 years. It ended up him moving out and we didn't really communicate for the first two months.

Anyway after this we started to be friends, he said he had made a huge mistake, lost his mind, and he still loved me and he wanted to come back but I felt I wasn't ready for this, although I did and do still do love him. For the past 4 months we have been back together in a dating seeing each other everynight kind of way. He is desperate for our life to be how it was before (he has not moved back in yet because I won't let him)

He is trying really hard and we have been to counseling and resolved a lot of our/his issues. He never really got over his dad dying and we were in huge debts (not excusing him just trying to explain)

Anyway what I want to know is when will I get over this bitterness and anger I feel towards him. Will I ever get over it? How can I live and trust a man who broke my heart and left me? How can I not, I love him so much and miss him when he is not here. Has anyone been through anything similar and took their husband back?

Did it work?

All perspectives on this very welcome.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 06-Oct-11 16:59:38

I have been through similar - H went to counselling, then we went to couple counselling, talked a lot and did some reading (would highly recommend Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends). So far it is working - it is not the same marriage that we had before though, but that's actually good as there were weaknesses/vulnerabilities that we are resolving.

If you do a search on affairs recovery on here you should find quite a few threads on surviving affairs.

buzzskeleton Thu 06-Oct-11 18:59:45

Don't rush yourself. Think of it like starting over - you'd probably take longer than 4 months to move a new man in, wouldn't you?

gotolder Thu 06-Oct-11 23:44:31

Don't jump back in, give yourself plenty of thinking time.

It can work: my DH went through the boring "mid-life-crisis", fell madly in love with a girl half his age and left after 23 years of marriage. We divorced: she left him and married someone her own age: five YEARS after he left we met up again: two YEARS after we reconnected we remarried. we have been married now for another 12 years.

We lost a lot because of his idiotic behaviour and I still get an occasional "flashback" of anger or hurt but I never stopped loving him and in our "dotage" we are extremely happy.smile

countingto10 Fri 07-Oct-11 06:43:45

Yes it can work. DH left me to be with OW, finished with her after six weeks (realising he was in a massive midlife crisis and had pressed the self destruct button), moved in with his parents for 3/4 months. We dated again and he stayed over 2/3 times a week to help with 4DCs. We made a decision at the time that we both wanted to work on the marriage and also attended Relate during this time (had many sessions to sort ourselves out).

It hasn't been a bed of roses but we have been realistic with our expectations (knowing I was struggling with what he had done and how traumatic it had been for me and the DCs). If you feel your H has genuinely changed and is a better man, then why let some other woman have the benefit of this better man (that was how someone put it to me).

It is still early days for you really, 2 years is the average it takes to get over an affair and we are 2.5 years down the line and our marriage is so much better now than it ever was.

Good luck.

doinmybest Fri 07-Oct-11 06:57:12

It can work but only if you both really want it to. My H had an affair but he never left, we are working through it and its going 'well' Im not sure about forgive and forget, I think its more understand why it happened - either through talking, counselling etc what ever suits you and deciding to move on from it, Ive also got a friend who left her H not as a result of an affair just a general loss of communication/fell out of love. She went back but now realises it was only for convenience and financial reasons.
I also believe its got to be worth trying. I cant imagine turning round in 5 6 7 years time and wondering what if..........

nooka Fri 07-Oct-11 07:00:55

My dh also had a mid life crisis type of affair (not that that is any sort of excuse). We stayed together initially partly because I wanted him to be the one that moved out if it was all over, and then after a fairly horrendous row he finally did move out (it might have been as much as a year later). Although I was very upset about it it was actually very good for us. We also met and got serious very young (19) and essentially grew up together and made all our mistakes on each other. It was good to reevaluate and to be more independent, although at times it was very hard. So we essentially co-parented and dated for two years from two different houses before recommitting. We are coming up four years back together, and the period apart seems like an odd sort of hiccup along the way (21 years since we met now). I don't think that you ever forget though, as it is a part of the journey of your relationship.

I think though that when (if) you do decide to get back together it has to be a recommittment, almost like getting married again, and you both have to be 100% sure it's the right thing to do.

galleywench100 Fri 07-Oct-11 08:43:22

Before I married my eh, he had an emotional affair with my best friends sister. After a heart to heart we got back together, a few years later we got married had our son. Two years after our son he had another er. I walked away and have never looked back, and would never ever give anyone a second chance. I am honestly of the opinion, once bitten twice shy. Everyones different.

lifeshocker Fri 07-Oct-11 09:25:44

it is the original poster, name changed for another forum and can't get my original name back!!

Counting to 10 - so glad it is working out for you, you probably don't remember but you gave me some really lovely advice, support when he first left, which I found really helpful. Same to madabout choc who has advised me many times. Sometimes I don't know what I would do without this forum.
Nooka - yes our situations sound similar with a lot of years and growing up in our relationships - glad it is working out for you
gotoolder - what a great story sound like a film
And thanks to the other posters for advice, I think taking your time is the key and the advice about treating it like a new relationship is good.

I can relate to the mad flashes of anger you get. I also have dreams where he has betrayed me all over again and wake up really angry with him.
I think that I need to work it out with him. He has been part of my life for nearly two decades, he is my best friend, the person I want to talk to about my problems, the only person he I feel truly gets me. He is my family and I love him a lot. The bottom line should always be are you happier together or apart. I know that he is the only person I could ever be happy with.
Thanks again. It is not an easy situation for any of us to be in. God life is complicated.

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