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Separating- words of wisdom greatly appreciated.

(3 Posts)
Baggypussy Thu 06-Oct-11 13:41:13

Hi.

I have posted before about P. He has periods of being extremely moody & negative, exacerbated by continual weed smoking & daily drinking.

A few months ago, I posted for advice on what to do, and received some great advice along the lines of giving him a timed ultimatum. This I did, and during that time we have also been seeing a Relate counsellor.

However, 4/5 months on, he was still smoking weed (despite many, many promises to stop), and worse, he has lied to me about it on several occasions.

He is/was also still drinking moderately heavily most if not every day of the week.

Last week, our Relate counsellor said she was unable to continue counselling as it is apparent that P has addiction issues getting in the way of the relationship.

The final straw for me was last week, when I was on the receiving end of one of his extreme mood swings. He was thoroughly nasty (verbally) towards me with no warning whatsoever, then locked himself in another room for the entire evening refusing to speak to me...then emerged the next day without any apology or even acknowledgement of the night before.

So...we have now separated. Predictably though, he is now saying that he is going to tackle addiction problems, see the GP etc etc. He's 'turning over a new leaf' blah, blah, blah.

When I look at it in black & white, I know I have done the 'right thing'..but why do I feel so damn wretched? I'm scared, shocked, worried, lonely and sad...especially so as we have a 2.5 yr old daughter together.

I have no family near by, my Mum has passed away & my only geographically close sibling is an alcoholic. I do have some good friends, but a lot of these are mutual. I feel as though I am putting on a brave face for the world, but inside I am crumbling.

I don't know what I'm asking for really, but thanks for reading if you got this far X

NorthernerAtHeart Thu 06-Oct-11 14:10:00

You really have done the right thing.
My situation sounds just like yours, only we didn't separate years ago when we should have. We now have 3 kids and are now on the verge of splitting up.
I would give anything to have had the sound advice of Mumsnet 3, 4, 5 years ago.

If you don't separate, it is unlikely his behaviour will change. I had so many promises of stopping smoking, cutting down drinking etc etc and have wasted so much time.

I should imagine your friends will have seen the relationship for what it is. They will be there to support you. Mine have certainly made very accurate observations in the past, about things I thought we well hidden.

Take each day as it comes, enjoy your daughter, plan something positive to do each day if you can (sound advice my mum gave me after yet another period of arguing and failed promises).

Punkatheart Thu 06-Oct-11 14:46:09

What a brave person you are. Yes, he may now get himself together but you need to concentrate on you for a while. It will play out how it is meant to play out. Take care of yourself.

Sending hugs.

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