Hello
I feel like people irl will judge me if I talk to them about this. I don't know what to do though and i can't stop crying or eat and I feel like such a failure.
I live overseas in a modern-type European country but in a region that doesn't like 'outsiders'. I have had various issues over time with a few native people who seemed to have an agenda but I have been getting a much thicker skin about it, even though I shouldn't have to imo.
This morning at play group, out of the blue a woman told me that she would only speak X language with me, because she's decided its better for me - okay, bit rude but not taken as such because thats normal within this culture. No problem says I, good idea. But then she really gets into it and says I can only speak X language from now on to the whole group because its a X group, for X people and its better for the group if I never speak English, that its spoils the group. She then talked some more about this and kept asking - 'do you understand me? Do you understand me? I said no, that she was talking to fast and using a lot of words I didnt know. We were sitting around a large table. Everyone was staring at me and laughed when I said I didnt understand. She tutted at me and then shut-up. No one spoke to me again. I left after that - just humiliated and feeling really, really stupid. I told the leader what I thought and she said the woman was wrong and she would tell her that she can't tell me what to do. She said please come back next week. I had tears streaming down my face and again pretty embarrassing.
I thought we'd all been getting on great before this - I had been speaking bit of X, bit of English and enjoyed it. Now I feel stupid for even trying to venture out of my English groups and friends. I can't speak to my friends about this as they are mostly married to X people and they don't have the integration issues and I'm embarrassed that I've failed. My husband works at an international company and is tall and confident, although he is also a foreigner here noone ever gives him shit about his accent or tries to imtimidate him so he just thinks I make it up.
How do I go back to the group next week? Noone saw me cry, but they saw me leave early and the leader will have had a chat with this woman. How should I deal with the woman? I just want my son to have his play group and I can bear to sit alone if needs be.
Sorry this is so long - I just feel so terrible and need someone to understand and hopefully get some advice. I just feel so alone, I'm really shocked at how this has knocked me.
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How do I deal with this situation - I can't ask anyone in real life.
ArtVandelay · 06/10/2011 12:52
What a nasty cow. It isn't her place to decide what you can and can't do!
I'm a bit confused by the languages though - presumably X is the native language of the relevant country? So in some ways they are actually doing you a favour by talking English to you?
I did the third year of my degree in France, so I get how hard this must be for you. I have always suffered badly with self esteem issues and the laughter would have made me super paranoid. I became an expert at guessing whether questions required yes or no answers and mostly blagged my way through the first few months 
I would make yourself go next week and just play it by ear. Speak to her in X, but take your lead from the others. Anyone with half an ounce of compassion would applaud you for your efforts to speak in X. Anyone else (i.e. her) are horrid people you wouldn't want to be friends with anyway.
Oh love, poor you.
Could you get any language classes paid through your DH's work? sometimes international organisations recognise that they get more out of their employees if their wife and children are happy.
I have heard of a friend of my X who moved to Germany and was told by a person in a shop, after a while of living there that Germany is not a tourist place, while they welcome tourists, if foreigners want to come and live there, they have to speak the language, and she told him that if he wanted to be served in her shop, from then on, he had to speak German. he also wouldn't ever get a visa of more than 6m (even married) unless he spoke German.
If I were you, I'd get my best game face on and go back there, refuse to be intimidated and say that the one thing you love about home is that we are a welcoming nation, and anyone saying what she had said to you in a UK playgroup would be hounded from the room with pitchforks quietly encouraged to leave.
Perhaps you could even practice saying something like, You found her to be rather rude and that you are trying to learn the language and appreciate if some could cut you some slack until you master it, but if not, then perhaps a new playgroup would be a better fit for you. That way if this rude cow says anything to you, you will have it ready as a retort. I bet you'd not be the only one to want to stand up to her either.
The other option is to bone up in insults and accidently use them when talking to her in her language.... Oh, I didn't mean to say You are so COW, I meant KIND...
You will have to learn the lingo to integrate properly, you know that, the other ladies know that. Anyone being a bitch won't help you learn. I would hope that the other ladies may have felt a little sympathy since the incident and perhaps may be more kind to you when you next go.
When I lived in Brazil, there were lots of people wanting to talk to me in English and it was really helpful in the beginning. But when I spoke enough to converse, my dearest friend (who didn't speak English) would make sure I spoke perfect Portuguese, demanding more and more accuracy. 20 years on, given some time to warm up the old tongue muscles, I'm still pretty near fluent!
what I struggle with is understanding the local accent and dialect
Oh yeah, I hear you.
I've been here for 16 years, my husband doesn't speak much English, but at least once a week since we moved out of the city and into a rural bakcwater I end up being accosted by an old lady in dialect.
Who is convinced that my not understanding means she needs to up the volume and carry on accosting me regardless.
I draw the line at the local dialect, it sounds like Italian post traumatic incident that included being run over by a lawnmower.
I think you are doing brill to take not only the standard lang, but a dialect too.
In fact you are making me look bad, stop it 
I think its like, I know just enough for people to think I'm more competent than I actually am
That's very common, the old over estimate thing.
Can I make a suggestion, is the telly in the dialect ?
Cos if it is I can recommend having it on as background noise for a few months to really help with getting one from "just the gist" to getting the details.
You don't have to listen intensivly, just get on with you stuff and let your ears get used to the sounds.
Do go back love, you might find her with her tail between her legs after everybody made a cats bum face at her for making you cry.
Take hanky, dab occasionally, milk for all it is worth
Ten to one she sees herself as being very important in the group and perhaps other "lesser" members having an edge over her with English made her feel her place in the pecking order was threatened.
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"Ooh - revealed location"
The tights/hat/snowsuit combo gave it away
I´m still sh!t at the language despite too many years here but fortunately haven´t come across what you have.
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