Is it over?

[eToTheiPi]

have just sent H to the spare room. I can't take any more hassle and bitterness. We have 2 dd's nearly 5 and 11 months. I'm sick and tired of doing everything. H has a promotion so I could give up work (with help from quite a substantial inheritance of mine), we got a cleaner as I can do an hour's tutoring for the same money.

He is never happy. Everything is inconvenient to him, swimming lessons for the eldest so he has to come home on time once a week. ( I could manage with the 11 month old at the same time). The tutoring has to be at the weekend now so inconveniences him. Last Sat I tutored then still had to get the girls dressed, fed, teeth cleaned etc before dancing lessons for dd1.

We really need work doing on the house so as we have a builder coming tomorrow, I asked H to sort out the bedroom (a mess) and I would do the kitchen. I also suggested his parents could maybe help so I could tutor this weekend. H wants to fetch various furniture etc. It's led to an almighty row. Apparently I have taken on too much, (1 hrs tutoring a week) and I let rip about being, to all intents and purposes, a single Mum. He slept in the spare room till dd2 slept through the night (6 months) and still insisted on 1 lie in each at the
weekend.

Trying not to drip feed but I don't like H much any more. I'm tired of walking on eggshells with him, that's what we had to do with my Dad due to stresses at work and that's not what I want for my dd's. What do I do now?

[eToTheiPi]

I'll go to bed now, nobody replying. Night.

[carantala]

eToTheiPi Hi! Sounds bad but is not insurmountable if you still care about each other! Think that there is a relationship link which may help you.

To be honest, he sounds like my XH who was always having affairs (not suggesting that your H is the same!)

It is important to be able to laugh with each other! Hope that you get it sorted! Best wishes.

[eToTheiPi]

Thank you for replying. I know this is the most stressful time with young children but I feel like groundhog day. We keep going round in circles with the same arguments. I just want him to enjoy our children, not resent them. I want to be a team, not constantly criticised.
He said last night that he would give up work and I could go back full time but I don't think he could cope. He's yet to have the girls on his own all day and night.

He's just left fir work and said he's got lots to think about today. I don't know, I'm just too worn out by it all.

[carantala]

eToThePi

So sorry that you did not receive more help on here; how are you feeling now?

Our lives change when we become parents! Many of us are not prepared for the effect which this has on our relationships.

Do you have anyone in RL in whom you can confide?

Best wishes!

[tallwivglasses]

Hi eToTheiPi

(what does that name mean???)

He just doesn't get it, does he?

Yesterday I witnessed dd's dp say 'I'd love to see what YOU'RE like after a nightshift'. He's a lovely hands-on dad but he just doesn't realise she's been on day and nightshift for the last 2 months!

As soon as you can, eave him for 2 hours with the baby, preferably over lunchtime

[tallwivglasses]

leave even, Grrr x

[carantala]

Am I missing something here? None of you seem to be helping this woman! I am so grateful for the support which I received from MN under my former alias; helped me a lot! Good luck, OP

[Gigondas]

I don't know If it's over but something has o shift in your living arrangements (only then I think you can tell if you have something there that is not buried under you being buried in domestic tasks and dh being out of house and possibly tired/stressed re work - I am trying to put a logical construct.

Yes it is the worst time when kids are small but he has to do something. Has he always been like this or was it dc2 that saw start of all this?

Also can you delay building work- personally this seems one hassle you could probably live without whilst you see if can be more together.

[Gigondas]

My suggestion is what you do now is try to work on the real thing that hassle you as if you can solve these, it may make it clearer if there is more to it than this.

The point about your dad is interesting - how much do you think you are unconsciously picking up on habits you learned as a child re not disturbing dad/ your dad being uninvolved?

[caramelwaffle]

I think trying to do things to help your situation - without feeling the accompanying guilt - could be a good start.

If you need a cleaner/housekeeper/care help for the children, then employ these people to make your situation easier/better and do not feel guilt over it. Do not have anyone persuade you that you should feel guilt for not taking on all the burdens of running your life.

It is a small start.

[whatkatydidathome]

I agree that you need to get a cleaner/help in - but what do you want? Is your name choosen delibarately (ie on some level is he the -1?)

[solidgoldbrass]

What do you think is the root of your H's grumpiness? What do you think he wants/expects? It sounds as though he thinks that because you are no longer in paid employment, he is now your boss/owner and you should be deferring to him and servicing him ie the household is to revolve around his needs and wishes because he earns the money.

[lostinafrica]

etotheipi (I love that name!), I think we have similar DHs. Mine works all the hours he can and has this sense of entitlement because he still doesn't get what my life is like. So I can moan about things all I like and he just thinks along the lines of "Why can she not cope?" and "I'd better give her some support."

I think you need to sit him down and remind him that:

• you are in a relationship together and you currently don't see the give and take that goes with that
  
• his DDs are missing out because he is spending so little time with them
  

Try reflecting things that he says back at him, too. "You seem to have taken on too much at work," for example.

[lostinafrica]

"support" (from my first paragraph) getting a great big from me - like we're not both parents with equal parenting responsibilities.

[lostinafrica]

Most of all, try not to lose your temper with him as he'll just think you're hysterical and over-emotional. Talk to him when you're feeling calm. (Easier said than done.)

[babyhammock]

All your asking for is for him to act a bit more reasonably.... what's for him to have lots to think about ..

And then his answer to you wanting to do a tiny bit of tutoring is to suggest he gives up work completely ... sorry but he sounds like an entitled twit and you're gping to have your work cut out trying to get anywhere with him..

[tallwivghoulies]

How's things today, OP?

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Link to carantala's post:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1317160-eToTheiPi

When you added your response at 21.22 yesterday, carantala, it 'bumped' the post up to the top of the board - as this addition will do.

I'm hoping that the OP will come back with an update as her dh told her last Thursday that he had 'lots to think about today' and, presumably, he's let her know what thoughts he had.

Maybe he spent some time thinking about what a selfish arse he's being and has resolved to change his way.

[carantala]

Hope that OP is feeling a bit better! I sent a message to MNHQ (I think) asking them to deal with my post about lack of response! I did not know about "bumping" so am grateful to Izzy

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

You didn't need to go that trouble, carantala, because posts gradually sink down the charts, as it were, and even when they've been relegated to the back pages they can reappear at the top of the board if the OP has saved their post and adds more info, or if someone adds a response.

It can be frustrating when the OP doesn't come back to their post - there's been numerous occasions when I've longed to know that an OP is OK, or their situation has resolved itself, but sometimes all anyone can do is hope fo the best.

Occasionally Ops come back after many weeks' absence and some may create new posts about what is essentially the same issue - fortunately, someone usually remembers the earlier posts and fills in any gaps or makes the link.

If you want to make any post reappear at the top of the board anytime but don't have anything more to add yourself, just add 'bump' in the 'add message' box and click on post message and, hey presto, your chosen will become 'top of the pops' again

[lostinafrica]

You know, I wondered if DH was just saying work was on his mind and could the OP just get off her back? I know if my DH said he had a lot to think about today that'd be just what he meant...

[lostinafrica]

er, his back, clearly.

[eToTheiPi]

Carantal and lostinafrica , thank you for thinking of me and messaging me. To be honest when I only got one reply I kind of gave up on MN and hadn't read any more. It's only as an email came to tell me that I had a message did I know there were any replies.
DH and I are a bit better. It turns out, when I was upset I told him that myself and the 2 girls are often happier on our own, not having to deal with his moods. He took it as I wished he was dead and no longer in our lives. He was very upset but I explained what I meant. He says he doesn't want to split up.

It's a bit better. I went to a class with a crèche and had 2 hours just doing something for me, which sounds a bit "pop psychology" but it did me the world of good. I'm more forceful at giving him tasks with the girls. In an ideal world I wouldn't have to ask, he would just know, but one step at a time.

His temper is still there but I think he is trying to curb it. We had an incident with dd1 the other night and despite her working herself up and waking dd2, I wouldn't back down (as he wanted me to) she did as asked after half an hour. I had to tell him to go away as we weren't discussing my parenting in the middle of the tantrum. Afterwards he did say he admired how I handled it and didn't focus at all on me telling him to go. (He would have focussed on that previously)

Thank you for replying. We are nowhere near out of the woods yet but I have realised that he needs to put in the effort as do I but I'm not scared of being on my own with the girls which is quite liberating. We'll see how it goes.

Ps my name can mean many things depending in my mood. It's one of the most beautiful piece of mathematics but it also equals -1 so...

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Communication is always the key to good relationships otherwise it is easy to read something into what others say to us that wasn't intended.

Keep talking to him - and encourage him to tell you what he's feeling.

[eToTheiPi]

carantala sorry