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Dh abroad for 5 nights. What is reasonable

(25 Posts)
ItsGrimUpNorth Wed 05-Oct-11 23:25:14

Contact? He's away in Germany for a one day exhibition and to meet colleagues.

He wants to speak at 6.30pm British time only. Then he is off out with the German colleagues until 2am - I get a text at that time saying he is going to bed. I am asleep so I don't respond.

Is this normal? I don't want to be stalker wife but if I were abroad, I'd want to know what dcs were doing, want to speak to them, want to say good night to dh. I wouldn't be out until all hours like he seems to be.

I feel rattled. Am I being para?

Witherhills Wed 05-Oct-11 23:28:57

a one day exhibition for 5 nights?
Did I read that right?
There is a beerfest there at the moment. i only know because my own husband is there.
he's away all the time, texts me a couple of times a day, and then usually to say goodnight. wants to know what DS has done, and always wants to talk to him, but DS doesn't really like talking on the phone

does your DH go away often?

charliebear100 Wed 05-Oct-11 23:30:24

I wouldn't be rattled by this. My OH is away a bit and always does this - phone call before going out and usually a text before bed. He's just busy and at least I think he's thought of me before he goes to sleep.

savoycabbage Wed 05-Oct-11 23:32:14

My dh goes away for work all the time and I just speak to him whenever I want, same as when he is at his ordinary office. The dc sometimes speak to him in the morning when we get up and he often is on the phone for ages at night as he bored.

SazZaVoom Wed 05-Oct-11 23:32:27

If my DH is away for that length of time, we will usually catch up once a day (but i would not be worried if we miss one). I would not expect to speak to him later in the evening if he was out with work colleagues - as a rule i wouldn't phone home late if i had been out as DH might be asleep and we would catch up the next day.

Unfortunately only you can know if this is 'unusual' (and therefore possibly worrying) in the contect of your relationship

SazZaVoom Wed 05-Oct-11 23:33:08

conte*x*t even

Alibabaandthe80nappies Wed 05-Oct-11 23:33:18

DH is a soppy git when he's away. We text a fair bit, and organise when we'll do a daily call depending on timezone, his schedule fitting with the routine here etc.
If he was away for that long then he would take a webcam so that he could see the DCs and they could see him.

pozzled Wed 05-Oct-11 23:34:26

Yes, I think you're being a bit paranoid. If I were away from my DCs I would want to speak to them, but I'd also want to make the most of my time and enjoy myself a bit. If he can cope with being out till 2am each night and doesn't have to get up for the kids, why not?

It does sounds a little strange to be so formal about contact though- why can't you both see how you feel? If DH went away I'd just tell him to call whenever was convenient, I wouldn't call him because I wouldn't know when he was free.

TheFallenMadonna Wed 05-Oct-11 23:36:50

So he phones you once a day. That's normal, surely?

DH usually phones daily, but not always. We send an occasional email.

jamaisjedors Thu 06-Oct-11 20:45:40

We usually do a once a day phone call in the evening, or an email if in different time zones. I would find any more than that too much, and as I go away myself I know that you don't always have time for an hour-long phone call home at an appropriate time so wouldn't worry about a missed call.

BruciesDollyDealer Thu 06-Oct-11 21:22:22

why cant he discuss and speak to kids at 6.30

obviously he wants to go out when the others do, i wouldnt fancy staring at four walls of a hotel

MrsPoyser Thu 06-Oct-11 22:34:44

I travel abroad a lot for work, often for longer than that, while dh is at home with the kids. I try to call before they go to bed every day, but I am, after all, away for work, and if I'm busy at that time then I'm busy. If I'm not entertaining/being entertained in the evening, and I know that dh doesn't have a friend over, then we'll often speak again before he goes to bed, if the timezones match. We don't usually speak during the working day anyway, and I would never send, or expect, a text at 2am. So for us, the vague expectation of a 6.30ish phone-call most days would be normal, and neither of us would think twice if we went 36/48 hours without communicating. Beyond that, I'd at least send a text to explain why I'd gone quiet and when I would call. But I think it's a matter of 'comfortable for you' more than 'reasonable.'

LunaticFringe Thu 06-Oct-11 22:40:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnomeDePlume Thu 06-Oct-11 22:42:15

My experience of travel was the same as MrsPoyser except that on the whole I didnt talk to DCs. I dont remember this being a decision on my part more that they werent keen to talk on the phone.

Acinonyx Thu 06-Oct-11 22:45:26

Dh travels a lot. He usually calls before dd goes to bed so she can speak to him. Then he goes out for dinner and drinks. I do the occasional conference myself and it is quite a treat to just go out for the night. You don't want to sit in the hotel all evening - that's dismal.

MrsGaff Thu 06-Oct-11 23:59:52

When DH is away we get one call at about 7pm for a very quick run down of the day and a goodnight for DS. Then he's usually off out entertaining customers till the early hours. It all sounds completely normal to me.

2010Dad Fri 07-Oct-11 02:10:58

I sometimes stay in hotels on business, and I'd usually have a quick chat with my boy along the lines of "dada, yeah" (He's only 16 months old). Then it's night night and bath time for him with DW. I sometimes send a goodnight text, sometimes not. It doesn't have any meaning on your relationship. Working partners often have a strict schedule on business trips: meetings; shower/change; eat; drink; bed; repeat.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair Fri 07-Oct-11 07:55:35

dh has been in US regularly for weeks at a time over the last year, we try to skype once a day, normally when DS is up early so DH is still up, but we don't text because it's expensive.

some days we'll miss a call, sometimes one of us will be uset by this sometimes both sometimes neither. We both get a bit itchy if we haven't spoken for a couple of days but sometimes our schedules just don't work.

In terms of talking about DS, DH likes talking to him but will rarely ask what he's eaten, what he's napped etc, but then he's never asked childminders or anything either, he just doesn't seem that interested aside from how DS actually is, whereas when I'm away I expect a full run down on the whole day.

as said already, only you know what's normal in your relationship

CMOTdibbler Fri 07-Oct-11 11:13:45

I travel a lot, and never speak to dh more than once a day. Getting to talk to ds is tricky, but if I'm away for a week dh will help him email me.

tigermoll Fri 07-Oct-11 11:39:22

When I go abroad (or even somewhere in the UK that isn't actually a large city) I usually tell my OH that my mobile doesn't work. This is most often a lie.

But otherwise I'm expected to be on the phone EVERY night, and he worries if I then DON'T phone, and it really breaks the flow of being away. I'm not doing anything 'secret' and would never dream of cheating on him, but I also need my space.

Possibly I am in a minority, espec since my upbringing including v long periods of my father being away. I would speak to him maybe once or twice in 6 months, and that didn't seem at all unusual.

sarahtigh Fri 07-Oct-11 19:18:50

I think once a day is about normal my Dh is away working for 3 weeks though oppoaite end of uk he is working long hours to get job done in 4 weeks insttead of six. we mostly do quick text /phone in the morning meacting as alarm clock and a phonecall about 7.30 to say goodnight to DD lasts 2 minutes if he is not going out he or i will ring about 10pm but often he uis working until gets dark then going out for food etc

where i live many people in navy so some only get 5 mins a day and some are on submarines so absolutely zero contact for 6 months no phone no text no email no nothing, my friend was pregnant had her baby monday her DH got back about 29th september but if she had been early he may have got babygram but generally they are not told anything that happens at home so i guess knowing that it makes me think twice before moaning about it if DH does not phone one night

Spuddybean Fri 07-Oct-11 19:29:02

I think daily is fine - My DP travels a lot with work and often doesn't call for days. He never answers my texts (which he doesn't anyway even if he's not traveling). I get the occasional email and often they contain boozey pics of him and (female) work colleagues in clubs/dancing and last time there were pics of him and bunny girls!!

i usually find it funny - in fact i find it innocent. It just doesn't occur to him to think i would be jealous, as there is no intent on his part and he just likes to share what fun he's having.

In fact i dislike the calls as we bicker or he bores me senseless about his work! i prefer to just look forward to seeing him when he gets back.

DonInKillerHeels Fri 07-Oct-11 19:46:34

We both travel A LOT. We would try to Skype once a day, usually after DS is in bed so he doesn't keep hitting random keys and switching Skype off but we wouldn't phone. Too expensive. DH's meetings all involve late dinners too, always home around midnight. We also text when we board planes and land so the other half know we made it safely.

Once daily at a set Tim is well an truly enough, frankly.

trixymalixy Fri 07-Oct-11 20:35:38

Once a day IMHO is enough. Both DH and I travel occasionally with work and we'll try to speak to the kids before they go to bed and also to each other before we go to bed. It really depends what we have on as it's not always possible.

I was away with work for a couple of nights this week. The first night I spoke to the kids before they went to bed, but the second my meetings ran over, didn't had about 2 mins to get changed before having to go out on a team building thing till 11.30. I got to speak to DH but not the kids, but tbh neither were that keen in speaking to me the previous night.

Ragwort Fri 07-Oct-11 20:40:38

I tell my DH not to phone too often when he is away after seeing the last phone bill shock - he usually tries every other day or so but I appreciate it is not easier (he works in Africa) wth the time zones/customer meetings etc etc. DS is never that bothered about talking to him anyway grin - it's often quite a struggle to get him to talk on the 'phone.

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