Have name-changed but am regular, been here for years, just don't want DH reading this.
Last marriage, finished because I had an affair (with current DH). He was not the only one - had a couple of flings in the last 2 years I was with ex - I was miserable and young and had tried to leave but didn't do the right thing. I think you can be excused (not excused, but you know what I mean) that kind of stuff once, but more than that and it starts to be a pattern and it's just your fault.
Recently things between me and DH have been hard. We've been together 7 years now. Kids/busy life/not connecting - you know. I don't know if I love him anymore. We don't have much in common. I think I jumped into it very quickly at a time when I was very miserable and vulnerable but I look at him now and think - we have nothing in common - I would not be friends with or be attracted to you if I met you now. I am not leaving him - I hold my family together, I'm the breadwinner and the person who makes it run. I will not break it up. But I had another affair. It did not become sexual but it would have been. Was not particularly emotional, but I felt that side of things was sustaining me. Other bloke called it off - he met someone else. I am missing him and sad, but he was right - what was the bloody point. I don't think I even wanted him that much, just wanted something. I feel stupid and sad.
I'm such a fucking shit, right? A horrible, horrible person. What if I am one of those people who can never be satisfied where they are? What if I am doomed to feel unsatisfied and miserable and crap and faking it forever? DH is happy, he knows nothing. I feel like I am treading water, going through the motions. I think it must be my fault. I wonder, if I knew what I know now about how relationships go, would I have stayed with previous Ex? I'm no happier (apart from I have my darling, darling DD). I think my daughter is the only person I love properly in the whole world, and I stupidly risked her happiness by fucking round again. I have to stay here forever, can I do it without going insane? I need to stay here and make it work for my DD, anything else is unthinkable. I can't keep having failed relationships, I have to make it work.
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Relationships
I think I am just a shitty person
Itsallrubbish · 05/10/2011 22:41
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