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I'm a bad friend :(

(8 Posts)
WishYouWereMine Wed 05-Oct-11 21:43:45

I'm feeling really guilty because I wasn't there for my so-called best friend when her boyfriend left her.

We haven't spoken for 9 months but I text her the other day because I was wondering why - just wanted to know what I'd done really.

I always thought I was a good friend to her.. I was there for every other break up (and there were a lot!), spent more time and effort helping them to do up their house than they did even, proof-read her dissertation for her etc. etc. The last time we saw each other I'd poured my heart out as I'd been struggling with depression and had decided to leave university for that year. This was January time. A month later I got a job in France and left straightaway. I think this coincided with her break up. I was a bit of an emotional wreck myself at the time and was still struggling with my own mental health, so when I found out they'd broken up yet again, I never got around to texting or calling to see if she was OK. I feel absolutely terrible about it now, how hard would it have been to send a text? Then again she wasn't there for me when I needed her either.

She was my only friend in this area. She is always surrounded by people and has loads of friends. I now have no social life whatsoever unless I tag along with my mum or boyfriend. I'm expecting my first baby (am 34+5), and just feel a bit sad that I have no friends anymore.

Tell me to buck my ideas up, that I'm better off without her/she without me please smile.

purplewerepidj Wed 05-Oct-11 21:48:34

You told her you were depressed in January and she didn't bother to get in touch. Then you moved abroad and she didn't bother to get in touch.

Why should you feel terrible - she ignored a huge opportunity to repay your kindness!

She sounds like a selfish butterfly who unable to recognise or appreciate a decent, loyal friend. I often wish I had more friends, but at least the few I do have would drop everything if I needed them to, even if I'm usually stuck for someone to go for a beer with!

SenoritaViva Wed 05-Oct-11 21:50:25

Buck up your ideas!

No on a more practical level

1. Why not write what you wrote (well parts of it) down to your friend? If she'd like to start again then maybe that would be good. The upshot is that you both weren't there for each other because you were both (probably rightly) dealing with your own problems. There shouldn't be blame, it was just was really bad timing that it was the same time.
2. Whoo hoo you're having a baby. Well done. I've found that children are such a good way of meeting people. It can take effort and you might have some dummy runs meeting people that you don't click with, but you'll find a group/activity/network or whatever that DOES suit you and you'll suddenly start having a life (somewhat baby orientated maybe but there we go).

Don't be too hard on yourself..

WishYouWereMine Wed 05-Oct-11 22:03:59

Thank you both.

Purple - you've just said everything that my DP has said, I'm trying to just get over it but I just feel bad that I didn't do something. If I'd known I'd done everything possible I would probably find it easier to accept.

SV - I think it's too late to start again - I'm having a baby with everything that entails and she's out partying every chance she gets. Our lifestyles and attitudes are completely different now. Thank you for the hope with the meeting new people though. I can't wait to meet my girl :D

purplewerepidj Wed 05-Oct-11 22:06:30

Why do you feel the need to please her, and I assume other people, when they don't show you the same respect?

This is a question I am working on myself, btw, I'm not being harsh for the sake of it wink

WishYouWereMine Wed 05-Oct-11 22:11:56

I've no idea!
Maybe I feel like I owe her for being my friend. I mean, I think I'm perfectly nice, and a good friend if given half the chance, but I'm not very good at making friends in the first place.

SenoritaViva Wed 05-Oct-11 22:24:58

You do sound like a perfectly lovely friend which means you'll make a lovely friend to someone else soon (and of course your baby daughter). I thought actually you writing to her would a) make YOU feel better and b) put the ball in her court and if she doesn't appreciate it then it's her loss. If you don't write or do anything then you must stop beating yourself up about it.

If she is a real party animal etc. and not ready to have 'baby friends' yet then you probably would have drifted apart anyway now.

Honestly, you have such exciting times ahead with new friends. I am being a hypocrite here (as I found this really hard!) but if you meet a new mum who you click with then suggest you go for coffee or meet up and you'll make friends, if nothing else you'll at least have a lot to talk about (your lovely babies). Also though be aware that some won't become proper friends, just people who also have babies, I used DP as a guide as he'd say 'they're not our cup of tea (about the whole antenatal class!) and he was probably right, I just had a lot in common with those women at that time.

oldwomaninashoe Thu 06-Oct-11 11:27:04

You WILL, make friends when you have your baby.
One of my best friends is the girl who was in the bed opposite when I gave birth 30 years ago to DS1, another a girl who I meet at a toddler group whose two daughters were the same age as my two oldest sons.
I joined a local twins club when DS3 & 4 were babies and I have always kept in touch with several of the women who were also members at the time.

Then of course there are the school gates........

Do not fret, send her a card announcing the birth of your baby with a note saying that you would like to stay in touch. My guess is that she won't as your lifestyles are currently so different , but she might in the future when and if she has a family.

Just relax and look forward to the exciting and tiring time ahead

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