Felt a bit bad PMing you, so am doing it kind of out in the open...except I've namechanged so...
Right, to anyone who isn't SGB, what I don't want is people coming on here and telling me why my DH and I shouldn't have an open marriage. Funnily enough, we've done all the talking and we're both very happy to have a 'see how things go' marriage with lots of communication and respect for each other. So don't tell me off please!
To SGB, and anyone with an open mind, or experience, I have a couple of technical questions...well, one big technical question:
When you meet someone you fancy, I would only ever be honest with them that I'm married. OK, now I have met someone, I have only ever been honest with him that I'm married. And we've flirted, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me. But, if we kissed, I don't want him to think badly of me. I don't want him to think I'm the sort of person who cheats on her husband. And I don't want to kiss someone who is thinking that they're cuckolding my husband, who I love and respect.
But how on earth do you tell someone you're in an open marriage? Do you just say 'oh, by the way, I think you fancy me and I fancy you and my husband's fine with me having a fling'?? Which I don't think I could bring myself to do.
Can you help? Or at least point me in the direction of a good, trustworthy, non-weird website I could look at?
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Relationships
Open marriages - SGB, can you help?
mysecretname · 05/10/2011 20:24
No ideas or advice. It is a tricky one. As you say yourself you don't want to be doing stuff with some one who thinks what a cheap slapper or haha what a sap her DH is.
Even if you are honest and have a 'my DH and I have an open marriage I want to shag you' conversation they may not believe you.
Can you not have a coffee with DH there and get him to approve? 
Good luck I hope it works out for you. Have fun 
Why can't you just say "by the way, I think you fancy me and I fancy you and my husband's fine with me having a fling'??"
I think it's perfect TBH. Short and to the point. No long-winded explanations, which could either sound boring, or suspiciously like a woman trying to justify an affair, or encourage emotional intimacy (which you definitely do NOT want to develop if you go down this path).
Are you happy for your open relationship to be common knowledge in your social circle? I only ask because if you date other people locally, it's probably only a matter of time before it is common knowledge. Hopefully you have open-minded friends and don't give a toss what other people think. FWIW, if you were my friend and you told me your OP over coffee, I'd say go for it.
Hi SGB and OP and others
I too wonder about open marriages and how they work but the irony seems to be that to have an open marriage you actually need to get on with your primary partner very well.
I come from the position of having lots of problems in my non relationship with dh but we have three kids (5, 7 and 9) and so leaving seems to be not an option. I sometimes wonder about open relationships in the sense that if dh and I managed to talk (which we don't) then we could discuss how best to proceed so that we both are in the children's lives but so that we also get our emotional needs met (I don't know if dh cares about his, but the lack of cuddles, intimacy and kindness from dh really bothers me). I think the irony lies in the fact that if dh and I actually managed to communicate so successfully and non judgementally (or should that be judgmentally?), I would probably like him a whole lot more (he also has a short fuse and is very blaming but that's a different thread) and be perfectly happy to not look elsewhere iyswim. I am not being critical, just wondering aloud. I had a long crush on someone I don't really know which is waning now due to lack of contact (luckily as he is married and a charismatic character whom I suspect lots of people like)... but it did make me realise how in lots of ways I feel suffocated with dh.
OP, I totally understand that you don't want to go for a man who would be happy to be with another man's wife behind his back... it's kind of a difficult conversation to have isn't it, and I think whoever said that you should have it sooner rather than later, is right.
AF, at the risk of joining your hordes of admirers, I think you are great, why are you anyCORPSEfucker today ???
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Carantala - you are a perfect example of narrow-mindedness. I don't pretend to know or understand everything, but I work a darn sight harder than you do not to be judgemental of something just because I don't understand it!
SGB - Thank you. Will look into getting that book.
Boodles - No, neither of us is 100% there - we're feeling our way, and listening to our feelings and to each other's feelings. We're unlearning a lot of cultural conditioning together, just like we have with the way we parent our kids. We're learning a lot about feelings we have that are genuine compared to those we have because we think we ought to have them.
AF - Love your new name! I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with a swingers club. I guess what DH and I really want is not necessarily to sleep with who we like, but to have the freedom to explore what we want . I haven't worded that right. Put it this way: I downloaded The Ethical Slut last night, and stayed up late reading it and nodding the whole way through - it's saying all the stuff I feel within my bones.
Curious - My instincts tell me you're right, and reading The Ethical Slut tells me you're right too! Personally, DH and I have our problems, but communication and openness has never been one of them - it's more like not taking the recycling out etc. 
. We really do have a very strong relationship, and, together, are considering open marriage in the belief that it'll make us even stronger. I don't think it would ever work as a way of fixing a marriage with proper issues that aren't already being talked about IYSWIM.
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