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am I doing anything particularly bad?

(15 Posts)
MitchiestInge Wed 05-Oct-11 14:36:21

<masochist> you don't have to be nice about it if I am

decided, on what would have been 2nd but was actually 3rd date with fairly harmless seeming man, to have sex and it was much much much much much better than expected (have only had sex with self for ages, at least a whole year) so obviously did it few more times and then spent most of whole weekend together having lots more lovely sex - am not usually child free overnight or for more than one night at a time so made most of it. So it was all relaxed and enjoyable. Saw him again next night (Monday) and probably would have seen him last night if I hadn't fallen through my friend's glass door

anyway the point is I feel quite bad, especially when he says things 'so are we together' or intimates that he wants an actual girlfriend or worse worse worse drifts towards how compatible we would be living together - I'm having a much nicer time than hoped for but think my guilt is because it is all about my pleasure, even the whole striving to please him in bed is about gratifying myself isn't it? I think the only thing I like about him, apart from how into sex he is, is how attractive he finds me.

is it evil or is it ok, as long as am as honest as possible about my feelings?

GirlWithALlamaTattoo Wed 05-Oct-11 14:47:05

I think honesty is the key. If two adults have consensual sex, both knowing where they stand, all is good. The problems come in where A wants a relationship, B wants a good seeing-to, and they don't communicate this. Both are likely to end up getting hurt.

If he's asking "so, are we together," it sounds as though he thinks this is a reasonable possibility. It sounds as though that's not the way you're seeing it. Talk to each other. If you're after different things, you both need to know.

MitchiestInge Wed 05-Oct-11 16:32:39

I suppose it wouldn't be an unreasonable possibility a few decades months down the line when there has been time to determine whether I like anything about him in addition to his interest in fucking me. I can't be too honest can I? Can't say 'your house is so tidy and soulless it's horrible', although I might have already said that.

Hopefully he is just pretending to be enthused about a longer term thing with me because he has assumed that is what women want, although I don't think the seeing-tos would be as good if it wasn't for some sort of emotional interest. Don't know why I feel so guilty, have made no promises.

TimeForMeIsFree Wed 05-Oct-11 16:39:23

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are only doing what a lot of men do a lot of the time and I don't see them ever feeling guilty.

Enjoy! smile

buzzskeleton Wed 05-Oct-11 16:41:35

Just be honest and say you're friends-with-benefits and not ready/interested in anything more. Athough it sounds like the friends bit is stretching it... As long as you're straight with him, you're not being unfair or bad.

If he is genuinely getting emotionally involved, then you might be better dropping him, 'though.

TheOriginalFAB Wed 05-Oct-11 16:55:08

Next time he asks if you are together, say you are enjoying spending time with him in and out of bed but you are not looking for a serious relationship. It might become that but you would prefer just to take it as it comes. Have the conversation about whether either of you are going to see/shag anyone else. You have to be fair to each other.

TimeForMeIsFree Wed 05-Oct-11 16:58:01

But don't you find that when a guy senses a bit of distance he wants more, he wants reassurance of commitment. If you were all over him like a rash I wonder if he would be behaving in the same way?

It is still very early days, he needs to chill and just enjoy being with you.

Xales Wed 05-Oct-11 17:23:16

What do you want?

Do you want to carry on having no strings fun sex? Are you happy for him to see and sleep with other women? Are you happy to sleep with him if he is also sleeping with other women? Do you want to see and sleep with other men? Would he be happy if you are sleeping with other men as well as him?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you are doing. If you think he is going down the girlfriend -> relationship -> cohabitation path and this is not what you want then you need a chat about what you want.

As long as you are clear and honest there are no problems. If you think he is becoming too attached, needy or just a PITA then drop him and save yourself the long term hassles.

Personally, to me, he sounds a little heavy and desperate for a 3rd date & couple of shags stage.

Just be sensible and use protection. Sounds like the last thing you need is an accident with this chap!

MitchiestInge Thu 06-Oct-11 00:12:32

He is going down that path - girlfriend/cohabitation - definitely but not necessarily with me he says, but that is what he wants ultimately. I don't see myself doing that for innumerable reasons, think I made that clear, but he is still keen to spend time with me on current basis. It's his own time to waste isn't it? If that time could better be employed looking for someone who shares his longer term romantic ambitions I mean.

Didn't have the chat about exclusivity, really it should go without saying that you are a free agent unless you agree otherwise and take some sort of (revocable) vow?

Realise am not painting self in most flattering light here but had meal with him this evening and was bored almost to DEATH with nothing but irritation at some of his remarks to liven up things. Yet am still intending to spend at least one night with him this weekend, if he doesn't cancel after my fairly repellant behaviours. He must be very confused actually and not know where he stands. Thought dating was fun for first few dates but is simply a further exercise in learning how horrible I am.

holyShmoley Thu 06-Oct-11 11:41:58

finding someone boring doesn't make you awful. Please don't paint yourself like that.

Xales Thu 06-Oct-11 15:02:49

You are not horrible.

Do stop wasting your time on boring dates! Life is way too short for that.

MitchiestInge Thu 06-Oct-11 15:36:23

Thanks smile

if I heard someone else speaking about a person like that, and still having sex with them, I'd think 'not exceptionally nice behaviour' though. Maybe because he seems so honest and sincere, am half hoping to find some darkness underneath, there must be some - isn't that what usually fuels good sex?

pink4ever Thu 06-Oct-11 15:53:56

"darkness underneath-usually fuels good sex"?-can you clarify this please? Nowt wrong with continuing to have sex with him as long as you are completely honest with him about it-ditch the boring dates and just be fuck buddies I say-if he is up for that.

TheOriginalFAB Thu 06-Oct-11 17:17:37

It sounds like you are just using him for sex.

buzzskeleton Thu 06-Oct-11 17:46:41

If you're bored and irritated with him, fgs, drop him. There must be guys whose company you'd enjoy as well as having a cock in working order.

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