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I have been struggling (Stately homes people?)

(22 Posts)
whatsallthehullaballoo Tue 04-Oct-11 21:30:45

I have gone no contact with my mother and step dad for approaching a year. TBH, it has been an emotional time but I have felt powerful in cutting contact and deciding enough is enough. I was abused in a very unusual way as a child by my stepdad (never touched me but did 'other' stuff ) and my mother was controlling as well and defended him always...

So here I was feeling all strong and superior but the other morning I woke up having had the usual dream (I confront them) and I felt panic. Panic that I really will not see them EVER EVER again ever. My children will not know their grandparents. My mum, who i used to love and trust as a little girl, my MUM that had her own special smell and who should have been there fore me will never ever speak to me again (she despises me) everything I rememebr as a child is gone forever.

I cannot miss them for what they did but I do miss them. I hate myself for that. I am crying here - for the first time since i cut contact, i have no mother or father and I miss them.

beachyhead Tue 04-Oct-11 21:33:06

I am so sorry - just wanted to answer you and let you know I'm thinking of you... you are creating that special smell with your children and that's important

whatsallthehullaballoo Tue 04-Oct-11 21:40:59

Thank you beachyhead. It is so nice just to have an answer.

I look in the mirror and as I get older I look more and more like my mother. How on earth can I stop that? I have the same smile ans eyes. I have the same body shape and 'turn of phrase'....I hate it.

I miss my mother. It hurts because I can never see her again. I wonder all the time what she would think of something, be proud of my children etc. When my kids do something new or grow or have doctors trip etc I have no one to tell or phone. I just realised what it means to have no parents. Like she is dead.

garlicScaresVampires Tue 04-Oct-11 21:43:58

It's grief. Obviously, they have been an enormous part of your life and very prominent features in your mental landscape. Although I was jolly pleased when my dad died, the grief was still awful. My mental landscape needed major re-mapping, plus I kept pining for the safe, caring dad that most people have and definitely never will. It was several years before I stopped wondering whether things could have been different "if only ..." (I'm still going through that over an emotionally abusive relationship that ended ten years ago: it's well known that abuse makes the pain last longer, dammit.)

I started grieving for my mum once I'd put Dad to rest, as it were, although she's still alive. Once again, the relationship I wish was there and have secretly hoped for - is unavailable. I still see her but have no feelings for her. I realise this isn't exactly your situation, but am hoping to illustrate that grief takes many forms. You don't need a body to be bereaved.

Go easy on yourself, please. And do keep up with whatever helps you work things through - writing in my case, but everybody has their own.

You're giving your DC the safety and protection you didn't get. That's amazing smile

whatsallthehullaballoo Tue 04-Oct-11 21:49:10

Thank you garlic - you are right. I feel grief tonight. Like I would almost just reach out to have that connection back. I feel physically aching. I keep dreaming of them. Not so much my step dad but my mother. She loved me once, the way amother does. Tucked me in, cared for me when sick, brushed my hair, baked me cakes....Things just turned when she re married.

I am moving to a new area soon. I have made a decision (it sounds ridiculous) but when people ask about family I will tell them they are dead. It is easier. The sooner I comes to terms with that the better.

TeachMySelfBalance Tue 04-Oct-11 22:08:21

The effects of the damage do have a long shelf life.

I think the dreams (or waking up in the middle of the night with it) are an indication that your instincts are now comfortable that you are safe from them, so you can think about it like you have never thought about it before.
Be comforted that this is a process of healing, imho. You can sort the events out and analyze, identify, explain to help understand that they were in the wrong. With clarity, it was them, not you.

Stay strong. Don't return to sacrafice yourself to them again, for your sake as well as your dc. You have done the right thing, as hard as it is.

whatsallthehullaballoo Tue 04-Oct-11 22:16:49

Thankyou Teach - I hope you are right and I am 'getting better'. I really hope I will not dream tonight and that I will wake refreshed. I will never go back. I think that is why it has come to a head. I know I can never go back and so it is as if they have died.

HedleyLamarr Tue 04-Oct-11 22:24:28

I understand and can empathise. The only contact I've had with my dad and stepmother in the last 18 years was around the time my dad died. That was 10 years ago. Because of the way she treated me, singling me out for punishment, treating me worse than the dog, putting me down then praising my siblings, I never want to see her again. She, and my siblings, tell me I should forgive and forget, that without her I'd've been in care hmm. I probably won't be at her funeral.

Don't worry about your dcs not knowing their grandparents, especially if they're toxic, it hasn't hurt mine. My "parents" never ever asked after my dcs, and only ever saw them once. Fuck it feels good to get this out! There's loads more!

togetherwehaveitall Tue 04-Oct-11 22:35:35

Awww I really can relate to this. I cut contact with my mother about 15 yrs ago and my Dad 5 years ago. It was awful to lose him. And the reality of being alone and so on did strike me. I can't say it isn't there as it is. Nothing will ever fill that void.

But I have found over time that other things spring up in place of what they used to do that was bad. Now the bad is gone, good springs into its place. There is still pain at the loss but you get used to it.

Not sure if this is much help. But you are not alone. Do you think yo could salvage anything with your Mum?

OurLittleSecret Tue 04-Oct-11 22:45:50

Whatwithallthehulabaloo- genuine congratulations for having cut ties. The grief/ sadness that you fell is probably alot of the reason that I have not yet been able to cut ties with my toxic parents. You have done a very good thing - and grief does heal in the end. I think that your plan to tell people they're dead when you move is also a good one x

whatsallthehullaballoo Wed 05-Oct-11 13:22:36

Thank you Hedley, together and Our little...

Thanks for reinforcing that I have done the right thing ans I feel stronger today that I need not make contact.

I do really really hate looking like my mother though! I can really see myself morphing into her facially now I am hitting 30. I wish I could change my face and then I could maybe forget more? She always like to say 'you are so much like me in everything' and I told her that I would never be like her.....It seems like she has won some how?!?

garlicScaresVampires Wed 05-Oct-11 13:32:37

She loved me once, the way amother does. Tucked me in, cared for me when sick, brushed my hair, baked me cakes....

Nothing wrong with being like your mother! smile smile

The only thing you need to change is her willingness to be corrupted and misguided by horrid, dictatorial men. I think you can manage that ...

whatsallthehullaballoo Wed 05-Oct-11 18:09:51

Thank you garlic.......i guess it is not all bad! I am beginning to feel better now I have had my bi-monthly break down smile

You speak lots of sense as usual!

TeachMySelfBalance Wed 05-Oct-11 18:15:57

You are not your mother. You are a separate, completely independent person with your own brain.

I bet that you look light years better than her anyway, because you are a nice person. <<places the dreaded black veil over Whatallthehllaballoo's mirrors>>

Don't hate yourself for your decision. Your decision was a response/reaction to their behavior. You have nothing to apologize for, they-everything.

Yesterday, it was the right decision.
Today, it is the right decision.
Tomorrow, it will be the right decision.

whatsallthehullaballoo Wed 05-Oct-11 18:19:43

Teach - I could do with some of those veils!!! I may have facial reconstruction surgery <<manic laughter>>

Truthfully, I know I made the right decision. She wouldn't have me back even if I begged anyway.

Thank you for coming back on the thread smile

garlicScaresVampires Wed 05-Oct-11 18:23:34

She's good, ain't she? smile Glad to hear you're getting your own balance back, hullaballo.

whatsallthehullaballoo Tue 18-Oct-11 13:02:47

OH HELP ME!! It is my daughters birthday tomorrow and I just got a birthday card in the post. Last year I got rid of the card as I decided that as she would not ever see them again it would be better than keeping contact going.

The card has just arrived again. I feel like Ihave been hit by a truck.. Seeing my mothers handwriting again, all the kisses at the bottom. I feel horrifically guilty for taking her grandchildren away, guilty for hiding the card from my daughter, I am so so lost. I cannot go back to contact but i cannot see how this can go on...they just send a card saying they hope she has a lovely and all their love xxxxxx

I know my mum loved my daughter in her own way. I am physically hurting and I have to get my daughter from school soon. Oh what have I done?? I am going to hell thats for sure.

garlicScaresVampires Tue 18-Oct-11 15:38:31

You won't go to hell, you've already done your time there.

Why do you owe your mother a grandchild? You don't, do you.
And, as her mother, you do owe DD protection from weird people with warped values.

whatsallthehullaballoo Tue 18-Oct-11 16:07:25

Garlic - I started a new thread because I wasn't sure if people would see it here and I was desperate blush

Thank you - very much. She has not earned it...but daughter deserves a grandmother. It all feels so wrong. Although, I know i am doing right confused

garlicScaresVampires Tue 18-Oct-11 16:18:18

Sounds like it's FOGgy where you live ... wink

whatsallthehullaballoo Tue 18-Oct-11 17:17:32

Garlic - smile

Panic over again ...for now. I thought this no contact business would be then end! Am moving house soon so there should be no more cards in the post.

garlicScaresVampires Tue 18-Oct-11 17:25:12

Good move! And I hope your move does, indeed, go well smile smile

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