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Perspective needed please.

(19 Posts)
stayfornoone Tue 04-Oct-11 13:02:01

BG: STBXH and I have been separated four months. I have the kids in the week, he has them at the weekend. My marriage was over a long time before it was over and as heartless as it makes me sound, I didnt cry over its final end, I had grieved for it well before. I have recently started a new relationship, a LDR with someone I have known for a few years. STBXH knows about this.

So. NM had managed to get a weekend off work. I still have to work and as such the kids will be going to their fathers or my mothers. This was all arranged and then a week ago my STBXH tells me he wants to go away for a week to visit his family. All well and good, I arrange for my mother to have the kids over the weekend and the sunday, my only day off, as its far too soon for them to be meeting NM in my opinion. This doesnt happen every weekend, it may be a few weeks, a month, or more when he can visit because of his work etc.

Two days ago STBXH tells me he would like to take my older two with him. (younger two would still be at my mums, due to work) This means the older two will be returning the sunday lunch time...when NM will still be here. I told him that I felt it was too soon for them to be meeting NM and asked him if he would consider having them the sunday night, returning them monday morning. He then got irate, told me I was 'dumping my children' so I could have a 'dirty weekend' with NM and called me a bitch, said I should want to see my children as they will me, the day they get back off holiday.

Now I will obviously want to see them, but with the situation as it is, NM has already booked his flights and will be staying with me, due to financial reasons as much as...just staying with me. I do feel its too soon for them to be meeting NM, not because I am not sure about him etc he has kids himself and so on, but because its not been all that long since my separation and whilst the kids are doing fine, I just dont think its a complication they need just now.

I feel that I arranged everything that particular weekend, so that the kids would be staying with my mum (with him being away) whilst I work the fri/sat night and sunday would be the one day I would have with NM, whilst the kids get a break themselves in terms of it being october holidays and me not being able to actively take them away myself. I am happy for them to go with STBXH as its a holiday and they will have a great time, but I now feel at odds about what I should be doing re: their return. I thought them staying that one night with him would be the easiest option, but that makes me selfish and 'shipping my kids out' for a man. Nm has already booked his flights well before this came up and I dont know what to say to him, if I have the kids back on the sunday and I dont want them to meet him yet. The younger two will still be with my mum who dotes on my kids and is really looking forward to getting a weekend with them. I really dont think the kids would have an issue with a night at dads, at all they love it out with him, but now he has got me feeling like I am being one of those women that put a NM before their children.

Am I wrong in my thinking? Am I being selfish? I put my kids first as much as possible and thought with a night at his on their return, ensuring they dont meet NM too early on, WAS thinking of them now he has changed his plans and I am trying to accommodate them but its being turned around as me thinking only of myself and being a shit mother. Perspective anyone? What would you be doing in my shoes?

HerHissyness Tue 04-Oct-11 13:06:09

Your Ex is sabotaging your weekend. PURE and SIMPLE.

Don't read anything other than this into it.

You are NOT a shit mum. A shit mum wouldn't bother making arrangements to keep the DC away from her new BF.

You are allowed to make arrangements for yourself sometimes... you do know that don't you? I bet your STBX does stuff for himself ALL the FFing time doesn't he?

See if your mum can have them sunday too, and cancel the STBX. Take back the control. He's fucking with you.

LittleHousebytheRiver Tue 04-Oct-11 13:07:52

Tell him it is not convenient to you to change your plans again and you will not be able to have the kids back early. He is just being a cock because at some level he is ruffled that you have a new relationship and are no longer sighing for him. He is not thinking about what is best for the kids he just wants to mess you around. This is about keeping your boundaries in place and not letting him manipulate you.

Be strong! You are entitled to move on and be happy

stayfornoone Tue 04-Oct-11 13:15:31

So why do I doubt myself and feel like I AM being like he is saying? Why am I questioning myself? He manipulates me so easily, I never know if I am in the right, wrong or just plain upside down. I adore my kids and its very important to me that I am 110% certain about NM before I ever want them to meet him. I thought I was being reasonable but still, I am having to post on here to even work out if I am or not. Pitiful.

Bangtastic Tue 04-Oct-11 13:18:03

Just a little food for thought, your ex may well be trying to ruin your weekend, but although you say you grieved for your relationship long before it was over - your kids didn't. 4 months is quite soon for kids to be meeting a new man in my opinion, so if you think there is any risk of them doing so because you can't sort out other arrangements for them, then I'd personally be making sure NM was long gone before they got home.

stayfornoone Tue 04-Oct-11 13:20:31

bangtastic, that goes without saying. That isnt the issue here, its not that I cant make other arrangements, as my post says, my mother was going to be having them and still could that sunday although he is now saying he will have them, but because he is 'thinking of them' like I am supposedly not. There was never any question of them meeting NM.

babyhammock Tue 04-Oct-11 13:23:46

He's done this on purpose. How very dare you have a day off with NM hmm

I'd take them all to your mum's like you originally planned

LittleHousebytheRiver Tue 04-Oct-11 13:24:21

He is just pressing the button to make you feel guilty/bad mother because he knows it hurts you. You don't have to change your plans (which are quite reasonable) to prove you are a good mother to him or to yourself. You just have to remember to detach detach detach and not let him upset you.
It is a long ingrained habit and hard to lose! (I know from my own experience)

stayfornoone Tue 04-Oct-11 13:26:50

you mean as in the older 2 dc have their holidays then go on the sunday to my mums, instead of from the friday to the monday as originally planned, before weeks holiday. That would take some arranging as the airport is far out of town and I know the older two would prefer to stay with their dad, they love his house and where it is in the country and have a few friends out there. Much better than grandmas with my adorable but cranky baby and toddler to take away the attention! It just seems to me like the best possible option given the circumstances and thinking of what the kids will most likely want themselves.

FiniteIncantatem Tue 04-Oct-11 13:28:12

Her hissyness is right, he is sabotaging.

You are not a shit mum, you've gone out of your way to make sure that you don't introduce NM to the kids too soon. You would be being a shit mum by not looking out for them and not caring if they met him so soon.

STBX (I always read this in my head as STupid Bastard eX!) has a choice- have them for the extra night, or don't have them at all and they can go to your mum's.

stayfornoone Tue 04-Oct-11 13:31:42

I am trying to detach but its so hard, he does know all my buttons. In the weeks following my separation I had him reading my fb messages, calling me a slut, pushing me over, locking me out of the house (he has now moved out) and even asking me if I was on drugs at one point! I try to stay as amicable as possible with him because I really dont want to have to go down the legal route, I just want him and the kids to maintain a good relationship. He sees them every day after work and puts them to bed, before going home and every weekend. I dont want that to change as they are happy with how things are and seem to be dealing with the separation well. They know daddy has a new house and that we arent together, its not hidden but they still see him so much, I think it hasnt had too big an effect on them so far.

But it seems like the moment there is the hint of me moving on, the amicable side of him vanishes and he starts fucking with my head again. he knows I have irrational paranoia about myself as a parent, it is irrational because I am a good one, but I constantly fear people will think I am not. A lot of that is to do with my own childhood, the fact my mother lost my brother and I as young babies because she wasnt a good mother, and also due to the fact I had severe PND after my first born and have always felt guilty about how long it took me to bond with her. He constantly uses that he is 'thinking of the kids' like I dont and try as I might, it really gets to me sad

stayfornoone Tue 04-Oct-11 13:34:26

He has also said I dont love them, that I do everything for them out of duty and that he has always given them more than I ever can. I know its shit but over the years with my PND, it was something I used to say myself, that I was on autopilot. I dont feel like that now, three years on, but He just knows all the things to say that have me feeling terrible.

Makes me wonder if I will ever be free of him, in the emotional sense.

LittleHousebytheRiver Tue 04-Oct-11 13:34:39

You have already been accommodating enough. It is up to him to arrange whether he keeps the 2DC with him till monday or calls your mother to see if she can take them if it isn't convenient for him to have them on Sunday.

YOU ARE NOT AVAILABLE AS YOU HAVE ALREADY MADE PLANS

Just keep repeating that, don't give him more information or justify yourself. You might be away for the weekend, you might be planning an orgy in your living room or just staying in bed for 48 hours. IT IS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. All he needs to know is that the kids cannot return until you are available on Monday to welcome them back after their holiday.

LittleHousebytheRiver Tue 04-Oct-11 13:37:10

"He just knows all the things to say that have me feeling terrible"

Exactly! Which is why you must detach and not engage over detail. You know he is just being an abusive prick all over again. Same old same old.

It isn't true is it? You know that when he isn't undermining you don't you?

stayfornoone Tue 04-Oct-11 13:42:04

Yes I do, when he is not undermining me. I am a much more confident parent than I used to be and a happier one two. I know my kids love me and I love them. With 4 so young, its not always easy and sometimes I might feel overwhelmed trying to meet all their different needs, but I do my best and I know thats enough.

Its why it saddens me that even though I am separated from him, I still cant get passed the digs that he makes.

stayfornoone Tue 04-Oct-11 13:42:24

Too, not two.

Patienceobtainsallthings Tue 04-Oct-11 13:50:02

None of his business what u do now ......simple.
You don't have to tell him what ur doing or who ur with.You don't have to explain yourself to him.All u need to know is childcare info,he doesnt need to know anything about your social life.Set ur boundaries ,don't be a pushover.He needs to know u have ur own life and he no longer has any say in what u do.

HerHissyness Tue 04-Oct-11 16:08:42

reduce contact, reduce the opportunities you give him to upset you.

arrange for the DC to go to your mums and that is that.

Do you HONESTLY care what this person thinks of you? cut him out of YOUR llife. He can still see the DC, but your business is yours and yours alone.

I'm sure your mum would say something to you if she thought you were in the wrong. trust those that have no agenda.

heleninahandcart Tue 04-Oct-11 18:08:19

Of course you are NOT a bad mother, he is just deliberately being difficult and saying these things to get at you.

What HerH said about contact and setting boundaries. Your life will be so much better without ex's nonsense.

Sort out your childcare with your DM and enjoy your lovely weekend with NM.

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