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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pregnant-and totally heartbroken by DP. Please help:(

89 replies

treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 00:42

Ok i will try and keep this brief. My dp of 4 years told me he was 'in love' with his ex before we got together. I had wanted to be with him for years before we met so even though i was a bit gutted about this at the time, i was more thrilled that he liked me! And i thought those feelings for her would go soon enough. 4 years later, we've had a great relationship, we have a 1y.o. DD and another one on the way. His ex is a friend of his who we see sometimes. He is never inappropriate with her and has been loyal to me. Last weekend he went to a party with her(i had such bad pregnancy sickness i couldnt go out). The next day i asked him if he still claimed to be 'in love' with her, totally expecting him to say 'of course not'. Instead he said yes, and that he has always been, and always will be. I have been an emotional wreck since then, not stopped crying, and have come to stay with my family and i've told him i cant be with him any more. He is very upset. He believes that he is innocent. He says he only wants to be friends with her, he wants to be with me, he cant help fancying her but if he gets any inappropriate thoughts he puts them out of his mind straight away and thinks of me. He is just in love with her and has a special connection. I believe him. I just cannot handle him using the words 'in love with', with another girl! To be in love means to be infatuated with, passionate about, doesnt it? Am i being unreasonable or just hormonal here? I dont want to break up, we're great together, we're in love! I've begged him to tell me it's not really true, but he's not changing his words and says it wont interfere with our relationship. I dont know if i can live with it. Please help me anyone. I'm in pieces. Sorry for the long message in the end.

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solidgoldbrass · 04/10/2011 00:50

What a fucking dick this man is. He's either immensely selfish and thinks that his feelings matter far more than yours do or he is using his 'love' for the XP to keep you in your place ie grateful, subordinate and prepared to indulge him in any and every way so you don't leave him to do his own housework.

mumblejumble · 04/10/2011 00:59

I would ask her what she thinks of it. Is she married/in a relationship?
I also think your dp is a twat, by the way.

momnipotent · 04/10/2011 01:07

What an absolute asshat. I think he doesn't have a fucking clue what 'in love' means.

frutilla · 04/10/2011 01:24

I don't understand when you say you had wanted to be with him years before you met? Do you mean he is a celebrity that you used to be a fan of? Just trying to understand the mechanics here. Well, it's very cruel of him to say that he's still in love with her. Whyever did they split in that case, did she dump him? Is he one of those people who believes that he must tell the truth at all costs, even if it causes pain to his loved ones? It sounds like you're talking about Daniel Day-Lewis...

treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 05:22

Ah i would never tell XP about this! She has got a partner. It would just make things so much worse if she knew! No he's not a celebrity. He's just extremely popular and good looking, and really nice guy believe it or not! I knew him for years before we went out. I appreciate all the support, i thought i was going to be told i'm being too hormonal tbh.

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treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 05:28

Frutila, i think he dumped her. Like i said, he doesnt want to be with her, he just has feelings for her like many of us do for our ex's. I just think it's so cruel to keep saying he's in love! He is brutally honest. This is what i asked for actually. He hates talking about it and it's me that brings it up.

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ToothbrushThief · 04/10/2011 05:45

tree hugger - I'm just wondering if one of the reasons you wouldn't tell her is because you're frightened of what she might do with the information?

Because if that is the case..... you cannot stay with this man until this has been resolved... for your own sanity and the dynamics of this relationship.

Tonight I've been pondering my feelings for an ex. He was my first real love and really I loved him. Do I still love him? hard to say because he pops into my head a lot. However I can categorically say I am not in love and I don't fancy or have inappropriate thoughts.

I'm glad you've not just accepted this from your DP. It's totally unacceptable and needs resolving so that you feel cherished and his life partner and mother of his children, not a poor substitute.

If you want this to work and it sounds like you both do, I'd suggest couples counselling. Don't skip over this because it's easier to do so. You deserve more.

Catslikehats · 04/10/2011 06:05

Firstly I do think it is possible to love more than one person at once, so just because he loves his ex doesn't mean he can't and doesn't love you. The fact that he has made it clear that he is loyal to you and that his feelings wont interfere with your relationship is a positive thing.

To be fair he has always been open about this and you have at the very least implicitly, if not explicitly accepted a relationship with a man that had told you he was in love with someone else.

I understand why you are hurt and his behaviour does come across a little bit "oh poor me and my tortured soul" but it was perhaps a little naive to assume he would change his mind, just because you wanted him to. So I don't necessarily think that he is in the wrong.

What has changed so that you can no longer accept that he has feelings for her? Is it simply the knowlege that he always will? Given your circumstances (ie that you accepted this at the outset) I would think it foolish to throw away your relationship. However to be honest I would probbaly have run a mile from a guy who was still in love with his ex, or at least thought to ask a little more about it before going on to having two Dc's with him.

babyhammock · 04/10/2011 07:05

To think you still fancy an ex.. hmm ok
To think you still have feelings for an ex ...hmmm ok [sceptical]

But to claim that you're 'in love' with an ex who you see reglularly and that you always will be and just expect everything to just carry on as normal... what an absolute knob.

Who's to say he's not acting on it because she is not interested.
So he finished with her then? Someone he claimed to be in love with... he's not wrapped in himself at all is he.

Sorry OP you sound way too nice for this muppet. No wonder you're upset x

crestofthewave · 04/10/2011 07:47

I would feel gutted if my DP went with an ex to a party and he said he still was actively in love with her (not just fancied).Is he prone to being insensitive in the way he says things generally? And,even though he still fancies her,WHY did he finish their relationship?

Have you asked him,apart from the fact you have a dc together,why he WANTS to be with you,rather than her?

Worst scenario-I hope he does not use this as a tool to keep you in your place by making you feel second best,and by making you feel he is 'making do' with you-which will erode your self-esteem.I hope this is not the case.You say he doesn't like to talk about it?Very convenient-not.

But, is this a recurring subject?Can it be sorted out as you say you are happy together and have a dc on the way?

brookeslay · 04/10/2011 08:02

I agree you need distance though you need to talk this might be the jolt he needs to realise his feelings for you. I it unrequited what is the womans take on it ? is she single I would be talking to her aswell.

solidgoldbrass · 04/10/2011 08:05

This also demonstrates why people who make a big deal of how 'honest' they are need a good kick up the ringpiece. 'I'm a really honest person, that's the way I am' always translates as 'I am rude and selfish and extremely self-righteous about it. I actually like hurting other people's feelings, because my 'honesty' never manifests itself in the form of me saying stuff that's nice'

treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 10:51

Thanks everyone. thequeenofdenial what has changed? I guess our relationship has deepened, we hav a dc, and i (yes naively) assumed he'd not be feeling like this about her anymore. crestofthewave i dont think he's insensitive. He doesnt like talking about it because it upsets me so much, he says there's nothing more to say about it, and we just go round in circles. He finished her because she was unfaithful and has since been unfaithful to her other boyfriend. He doesnt want to be with her, he is happy with me. He's not really the manipulative type either, so i dont think he's stringing me along. I know this is very confusing! brookslay XP has a dp. There is no point in her knowing honestly, it would make things so much worse. solidgoldbrass i really appreciate his honesty. Most men who have feelings for their XPs or fancy women (and let's face it, most men do) lie about it, like a 2nd nature. I literally probe him til he tells me the details. He hates this cos he knows it hurts me, and there's nothing (he says) he can do about these emotions.

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treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 10:54

Aghh! I've just wrote a long response, but just at the end the computer wiped it! I dont have the energy to write again. Thanks for everyones posts though x

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treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 10:56

Ah i did go through! Sorry.

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AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 11:02

Your partner is a pillock

IMO, this is an example of one of those situations where you have to remark "when someone tells you who/what they are, listen ", however

Why did you think you could change him into someone who has even an ounce of common sense and regard for you and your feelings ?

Hullygully · 04/10/2011 11:06

arse

stupid with it

why couldn't he keep his mouth shut when necessary?

we all have thoughts that are best not shared

treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 11:19

He couldnt keep his mouth shut because i make him tell me.

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Hullygully · 04/10/2011 11:20

then.he.could.lie.

Like the rest of us.

treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 11:22

Anyfucker he does care a lot about my feelings, he just cant help his and is honest.

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AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 11:23

How do you make him tell you...apply thumb screws ?

So you hound him until he coughs up ?

AnyFucker · 04/10/2011 11:23

Six of one

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Hullygully · 04/10/2011 11:24

So when he leaves you with two small kids, he can look at you all big-eyed, sweet and vulnerable and say, "I never lied to you, you always knew how I felt."

And you'll carry on thinking him brave and honest and unable to help his feelings.

Why not get MUG tattooed on your forehead?

treehuggermum · 04/10/2011 11:24

That's the thing, he cant lie.

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Hullygully · 04/10/2011 11:26

that's ridiculous.

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