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divorce options - what would you do?

(20 Posts)
mrsworsinger Mon 03-Oct-11 20:58:02

Ok I am divorcing DH on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. we have three dc (under 6). He is a cannabis smoker and this is major tributor to breakdown of marriage. He has today asked that I remove any mention of cannabis in petition then he will go through mediation for access and maintenance and other financial issues. I own house, am primary carer. He cannot afford legal assistance or says he cant so does not want this going to court. If I agree he says he will make it amicable tho I know he wants joint custody, I dont, doesnt want to pay maintenance and wants to take them away to Cyprus - which I dont want him to as he has in the past claimed that should I ever try to divorce him or leave he will dissappear to Cyprus with kids and never come back (his mother is cypriot and his half brother cypriot and owns a villa out there). What would you do - stand your ground against someone who has bullied you for so long and whose behaviour of late is emotiionally damaging children or say ok give a go but demand he leave family home immediately and forget the cannabis - which as petition stands he cannot smoke around children as a condition to access. He is their dad and we have to get along for their sakes if I dont agree he will become nasty again and wont leave family home and has said today that had I noticed that I become angry and he has to calm me down.....

snoopdogg Mon 03-Oct-11 21:11:25

Can you get him out of the house before you petition?

mrsworsinger Mon 03-Oct-11 21:14:31

NO up until now he has said he will never let me divorce him and he will never leave the house - my solicitor has advised that should he remain after divorce can get an ancillary order. Now that he has said he will agree to a divorce but on the terms that cannabis is removed from petition obv tells me he is worried about this with regard to what he will come out of divorce with but that he is offering to mediate for the sake of an amicable divorce(?) is something i have to consider purely for the sake of DC

RandomMess Mon 03-Oct-11 21:17:03

Hmmm, really sorry I would leave it in there. You only have his word that he will then go along with it...

KatieScarlett2833 Mon 03-Oct-11 21:18:08

Tell the truth.

buzzskeleton Mon 03-Oct-11 21:18:18

He wants it all his way and he's trying to convince you that you're behaving unreasonably and over-emotionally - when he causes your stress by his bullying.

Don't give way to him - could you really trust him not to abscond with the children? If you don't bring in the reasons why he is untrustworthy with the dc, you'll have little recourse to stop him taking them on 'holiday' later on.

RandomMess Mon 03-Oct-11 21:22:31

See I'm with buzz you need it on record that he is a long term habitual user who isn't capable of looking after the dc. Does Cyprus not sign up to the Hague Convention? Have they got passports and more importantly where are they?

snoopdogg Mon 03-Oct-11 21:23:17

Could you try and turn the tables and suggest divorce on the basis of two year's separation as long as he moves out now? You could still resolve finance and children issues through mediation, you could still refer to his cannabis use but you would have him out.

It just seems to me that as long as he is actually there you can be bullied. If his cannabis use is a major concern and your significant concern that he would remove the children from the country against your will, you should not be bullied into dropping these issues.

Whether your divorce is amicable or not is not the main issue - it's the safety of your children in any future arrangements. It sounds like you know he'll turn the tables on you as soon as you agree to his terms.

(two turning tables, you'll be spinning like spiny spiny things....)

mrsworsinger Mon 03-Oct-11 21:30:15

I know but at the moment I am witness to our five year old comforting his dad who has encouraged him to ask me in front of brother in law and wife to give Daddy another chance. He has told our five year old that Daddy has been angry and wont give him another chance. My five year old now tells me that his bed is not his bed but his and daddys so that daddy can come and have a cuddle at night.... He is leaning so much on DS and its twisted. One minute he tells him that he is leaving because I wont give him another chance then he tells me in front of DS that I should leave with the dog... and then he tells DS that he and his brother and sister can come and live with him. Its a mess and I am powerless. An amicable divorce has to be considered for DCs sake because i cant stop this

buzzskeleton Mon 03-Oct-11 21:34:50

I do not think that you will get peace or an amicable divorce if you give on this. If you cave, he will know he can keep doing this stuff and what will his next demand be?

KatieScarlett2833 Mon 03-Oct-11 21:37:08

You should be telling all that stuff to your solicitor.

snoopdogg Mon 03-Oct-11 21:38:46

You are not powerless. Can you move out?

mrsworsinger Mon 03-Oct-11 21:40:00

I know solicitor out this afternoon just needed to get this out and make some sense of it. This is helping me to keep sane and level headed

KatieScarlett2833 Mon 03-Oct-11 21:49:16

Didn't mean to sound curt. Sorry blush

What I meant was that by being honest with your solicitor about everything up front takes away the control IYSWIM. If you are only telling the truth you cannot be tripped up or manipulated. His behaviour is very damaging and unreasonable, no wonder you just want an easy life. But by taking this course you are setting yourself up for him to show himself as superdad when he is anything but. This could have a very detrimental effect on access if you decide later that he is still damaging the children after you get rid. Also, your sol. may be able to expedite matters if he is emotionally damaging you and the DC's.

Don't give in.

QuintessentialDread Mon 03-Oct-11 21:52:51

You cant trust his word that he will be amicable, you cant trust his word that he will move out, you cant trust his words that he wont abduct the kids.

Don do anything to lessen your leverage. Leave it in. Let the solicitor deal with him and the issues.

HerHissyness Mon 03-Oct-11 22:04:42

You are getting played here.

he is using your DC to manipulate you. He will say whatever it takes to get his own way. he is actually being abusive to you all.

He is telling you he won't leave the house/consent to a divorce
He is manipulating the children, telling them sob stories, involving them in the breakdown of the marriage to put pressure on you
he abuses drugs and wants you to lie to allow him to continue with them and keep access to his DC.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/mrgoodbad-english.pdf

See him in there at all?

Forget trying to negotiate with him, you need a sane, rational, reasonable person to negotiate with. That is NOT him.

Tell him to move out, asap. Restrict all contact to through the solicitor only, refuse contact until he kicks the drugs, and say that you will stipulate that he needs to have drugs tests to see them (cannabis stays in the hair for over a month IIRC)

There is NO hope of an amicable divorce, this is down to him. whatever you do, this guy will kick off unless he is calling all the shots, and even then I am willing to bet he'll start changing the rules and doing what he wants to do.

This man is not one you can ever have an amicable divorce with. Forget that, deal with this as remotely as possible, Get him out of your home as soon as poss and then stick to written communications only.

HerHissyness Mon 03-Oct-11 22:05:32

oops, meant to post (((((((hugs)))))))) too, you poor love, it must be so scary for you. come over to the EA support thread if you need us?

mrsworsinger Wed 05-Oct-11 21:00:21

OK spoke to solicitor she advised i had enough grounds without cannabis reference to proceed with divorce and that i should mediate for sake of children and that indeed if i did not mediate when i could have i would not get public funding. l therefore DH that i would drop cannabis reference for amicable divorce with mediation. HA blinking HA. He then turns round full sob story cant cope needs more time be compassionate hold off divorce. I say no i will contact mediation services tomorrow. He says no his idea he will do it when he is ready. I say i have met his request he can get on with it he says i only dropped cannabis reference for sake of children not for him and that he will go to doctors to get some sort of order to delay proceedings. is he for real? I am now hoping that my solicitor has not sent out amended petition as screw him I want to keep it in and let the court decide let them take charge but do i lose my legal aid i dont know.

HerHissyness Wed 05-Oct-11 21:41:49

Go back to the solicitor and tell her what has happened. This is HIM throwing the toys out.

i said he might kick off unless he is calling the shots. he is kicking off.

If you don't get the funding for a divorce, can you ask the solicitor about doing it yourself? you can get the forms, and just keep the costs down by doing the bare minimum with the solicitor, only necessary stuff?

mouldyironingboard Wed 05-Oct-11 23:29:11

If you are worried about him taking DC away without your agreement, remove DCs passports from the home in secret. Ask a friend or family member to look after them until your stbx has moved out.

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