Porn

[EmpireBiscuit]

Looking for some sense to be talked into me...(and you all seem like a pretty honest bunch!)

I discovered on Saturday night that dh sometimes watches porn online when alone in the house. He says he doesn't do it often.

Now, I think I'm maybe overreacting but I feel disgusted. He knows I have strong feelings against strip clubs etc and I am at a loss to how he thought this wouldn't bother me.

I am massively insecure and can't get the thought of him pleasuring himself looking at prettier, thinner woman and comparing us. We are still talking etc but I feel odd about him seeing me naked, or even touching (let alone being intimate). I feel sad thinking about it all.

What do you all think? Huge over reaction or would you have similar feelings?

Thanks!

[John39]

I've yet to meet another man who doesn't consume pornography. If he exists he is indeed an exception. I read somewhere that the majority of internet traffic is porn related.
Never loose sight of the the fact that human beings are animals. Animal instincts are still our primary motivation in life. You don't need to look far for evidence of this.

[meltedchocolate]

I know ONE man who does not watch porn for moral reasons (not so much the harm it does to women though he obviously knows that and agrees with it but it is what it does to sex lives/ ideas of sex and relationships that he hates)

Remember that, though it is not great he watches porn and he should stop for you, he wont be looking at the women but at the sex and genitals iyswim. Still not great but he wont be comparing you to them. You are real, they are not and he will know that!

[John39]

Emily, you'd expect them to tell you if they did?

[madonnawhore]

Depends what kind of porn.

Getting turned on by watching two people having sex isn't inherently sexist or abusive or dirty.

But if it's that kind of massive-breasts-and-screaming-fake-orgasms-ejaculating-on-faces porn, then I'd be a bit . Seriously? He can't see what's wrong with that picture?

The problem is, (and it is a MASSIVE problem), that this kind of porn is so homogenised now that it's really not considered 'out there' or unusual. In fact, unfortunately it's the norm.

He probably thinks it's no bigger deal than one step up from having a wank. And I certainly wouldn't consider it a comment on how he feels about you. I imagine for him the two are completely separated.

But he does need to understand that: A. you are not cool with it, and B. most porn is crap and abusive to the women taking part.

Show him this site for starters: www.makelovenotporn.com.

[Awomancalledhorse]

Watching porn alone & having sex with your partner are two very different things.

None of the men or women I know who watch porn ever compare their partners to the people on the screen. He won't be sitting there going 'Oh, I wish Empire had tits like that/was blonde' in the same way that just because he thinks Megan Fox (for example) is fit doesn't mean he wants you to look like her/be her.

I can see why he didn't think you'd have a problem with porn, even though you're against him going to a strip club (one involves physically being near/touching a naked lady..the other just involves watching a film).

Glad you're still talking, what has he said about watching it in the future?
What is it about porn that you find disgusting (eg. if it's the anti-women thing would you be happier knowing he was watching 'women friendly' porn)?

Personally, I'm not anti-porn (can you tell by my post?!) but I get why some people have a problem with it.
I have a friend who divorced her husband because he watched porn (even after she asked him not to), she couldn't stand being with a man who did something she was so anti/who would go against her wishes.

[madonnawhore]

Oops, did the link wrong: try here

[John39]

@meltedchocolate,

what he sees on the screen will influence what he wants in the bedroom.

[Malificence]

Wrong assumption John. Lots of men have no like or need of porn.

OP, there are several massive threads about porn on here if you care to search for them, not to mention the negative effects that porn can have on relationships, normally in combination with other relationship imbalances.
You are not overreacting if you previously had no knowledge of your husbands porn use, secrecy is poison and takes away your choices.

[John39]

"Wrong assumption John. hmm Lots of men have no like or need of porn."

That's only what they want you to think.

[madonnawhore]

John39 that's why men who watch a lot of porn are shit in bed. Because they try to shag you upside down, shove your leg over your opposite shoulder, say really cheesy shit in a slightly American accent and then try to spunk on your face.

Newsflash: being fucked like that is not pleasurable in real life. The women are contorted into those 'exotic' positions so that the performers' genitals get the right lighting and camera angles.

[EmpireBiscuit]

I didn't ask what kind :(

I don't know much about it so am not aware of the differences.

[John39]

@madonnawhore,

LOL!

[Malificence]

Oh do fuck off John, do you seriously think you are the first dickhead to spout this crap on here?

I could ream off a dozen usernames from the past few months who were on the same wind up as you.

[MrMan]

I think a big factor is if you have talked about it before. If he knew you felt this way, he is a Grade A fuckwit. If not then this is a chance for you to tell him and see if he is willing to respect your feelings. If he is, all is well. If not we are back in Grade A territory. It doesn't matter what the general opinion of porn is, the point is it upsets you and if he cares about you he will be willing to change.

[EmpireBiscuit]

awomancalledhorse he has sworn not to watch it again and he is feeling pretty shitty at the moment. As I said I don't know much about it and am probably not as aware as I could be about how the woman are treat in the industry but honestly my issue is that I can't stomach the thought of him feeling the need to look at other woman.

[madonnawhore]

I think the main thing, Empire is to remember:

1. He's almost certainly NOT comparing you or your sex life to what he's seeing on the screen, so please don't let it make you feel bad about yourself.
   

1. I'm sure he thinks it's harmless wank fodder. But that's probably because he's never given the actual workings and implications of the porn industry much thought. So you need to let him know that you find porn really unpleasant and explain that you find the fact he's into it unpleasant too.
   

Have you ever talked about how you both feel about porn?

[Awomancalledhorse]

Empire, how did you find out he was watching porn (forgot to ask!)?

[John39]

@Malificence,

get help or something...

[Malificence]

Your personal feelings about it are just as valid as any ethical argument about porn, if his porn use makes you feel like that then he should take it seriously - how did you find out?

[CheerfulSingsOut]

I've recently changed my viewpoint on porn use somewhat and have separated out a few concerns about it in a way I was previously unable to do.

I've just started seeing someone who volunteered in passing that he sometimes watches porn. We've since discussed it again and while I feel slightly uncomfortable, I appreciated deeply the fact that he was totally upfront with me and didn't hide it as would have been so easy to do.

It made me realize that one of the main problem I have had with porn use in previous boyfriends is the secrecy, furtiveness and lying. Those rather creepy behaviours just demolished all respect I had for the person/s, and I could never get it back. Porn use was the end, really.

Early days but I'm feeling considerably less threatened and insecure because of new BF's honesty about it from the start, and the fact it doesn't affect our sex life in any way. However, I have bigger objections to porn in general based around the industry etc, and the fact it doesn't sexually excite me, and I have voiced those. We'll see. But the thought of finding porn use unexpectedly is so loaded and I totally empathize with you OP, it's very distressing because you have to completely re-evaluate your view of the person which may have been quite ingrained, and it can be a sad reshuffling that goes on in the mind when you find your OH isn't who you thought they were.
It can be difficult to reconcile this, and as such whatever responses you get on this thread, I think you should think carefully about how YOU feel, that's all that matters really. What we think will vary, but how you feel is valid so don't brush that under the carpet.

[Malificence]

You're the one who needs help John if you seriously believe that all men use porn, that's what porn users want women to think, to nomalise it and keep them quiet.

[EmpireBiscuit]

It was a bizarre conversation really, we were at friends and I was on their computer and some pornographic images popped up. I got all embarrassed and handed the computer back to friend, she told me then that her oh looks at porn quite often and it doesn't really bother her. In the car on the way home I told husband that I couldn't believe that a) he watches it and b) she is fine with it - he then said that he does it occasionally.

[MrMan]