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Ex Wife and new relationship

(51 Posts)
maby66 Mon 03-Oct-11 17:22:32

Hi - I don't post often, but you can see my history in the "partners of alcoholics" thread pt2 for a more detailed back story.
The shortened version is that I told my wife to leave the marital home in April this year, and we share the children, with me having the majority of the time.
I had suspencted that she had a new relationship, which she had denied, then admitted a "friend with benefits".

Today the children have come home from her place with stories of her friend that came over both days at the weekend, and had brought them presents.

I'm not that bothered about her new relationship, but am concerned about how the children will react or possibly be confused about things. He did not stay the night.

Obviously I have no previous experience in marital breakup, but I do feel that it all seems very soon for the children to have to deal with a mum thats moved out, a new place to live/split their time and now a new person in their lives.

Am I wrong? Is there any advice that you can offer in how I can can maturely handle this/re-assure the kids?

buzzskillington Mon 03-Oct-11 17:50:32

Well, I do think it's too soon to introduce new partners - but as far as the children are concerned, this guy is mummy's friend. And he didn't stay the night. Really it's only you that knows he's a boyfriend, isn't it?

So while it is early for her to have brought him into the mix, it's done now hmm - and at least she hasn't moved him in or announced him as her new bloke.

If I were you, I wouldn't make a big issue of it with the kids. Just 'oh really, it's nice to have friends' sort of stuff.

squeakytoy Mon 03-Oct-11 17:54:59

It has been six months, and if he didnt stay the night, then all they need to know is that it is their mums friend. Adults have friends, so that is perfectly normal.

how old are the children?

buzzskillington Mon 03-Oct-11 17:57:16

Crikey, must've been all that sunshine yesterday - I was thinking it was about 3 months grin.

squeakytoy Mon 03-Oct-11 17:58:28

Buzz, its nearly xmas you know!!!

<<runs..... fast>>

grin

buzzskillington Mon 03-Oct-11 17:59:37

Nooooooooooooo

maby66 Mon 03-Oct-11 18:15:26

Thanks for responses so far.
Children are 8 and 9.
I guess I shouldnt be surprised, but she only coughed to the relationship in August - my suspicion is that it was going on for a lot longer, possibly before I chucked her out.
As with everything, getting to the truth with her has been impossible, as she maintained for months that she was not seeing anyone, then it was just a F*ckbuddy, now its a boyfriend thing.

My concern is really about the kids and what they see, and if this becomes a procession of new "uncles" sad

CheeseandGherkins Mon 03-Oct-11 18:18:15

Why should she have told you that she had a boyfriend if you were no longer together? I'm a bit confused by that.

buzzskeleton Mon 03-Oct-11 18:22:37

You've no real reason to suspect there will be a procession of 'uncles', though - isn't it just this one man?

I'm afraid her sex life isn't your business and while it must be hard not knowing whether another man was on the scene before you split, you just have to deal.

Currently all the dc are seeing is mummy's friend.

drasticpark Mon 03-Oct-11 18:23:04

I can understand your concern but you have no control over what your ex does or says, nor should you. You can show your dc, by your example, what you think is right. Please try not to judge your ex's actions as you will just feel more and more bitter. She probably doesn't give two hoots what you think, so why waste your time? Concentrate on a positive spin for the dc.

maby66 Mon 03-Oct-11 18:48:21

Thanks all.
Will grin and bear it.

AbbyAbsinthe Mon 03-Oct-11 23:36:42

The thing is, it's really none of your business. You have to trust her judgement as far as the dc are concerned - being micromanaged as a parent is incredibly frustrating.

Has she given you reason to think that she's a bad mother? If not, it would just be seen as you sticking your nose into her sex life. You asked her to leave, remember.

solidgoldbrass Mon 03-Oct-11 23:42:53

Yes, grinning and bearing it is the only acceptable option. She is entitled to have sex with as many people as she likes and it is none of your business.Would you expect to have to consult her about your sex life? As far as DC are concerned, meeting adults who are friends of either parent will do them no harm.

AnyFucker Mon 03-Oct-11 23:48:54

Well, you know you have to "grin and bear it" but I feel for you

it sounds like it's been a fucking nightmare, and the fact you suspect this relationship predates your split must really rub salt in the wound

lots of people who post on the relationships board get a lot of sympathy when in this situation, deservedly

just one ikkle question for you dude...are you seeing anyone else also ?

maby66 Tue 04-Oct-11 09:38:49

Thanks all.
To Anyfucker - sounds like you have read my backstory - thank you, and no, I am not seeing anyone.

Solid, Abby - it's really hard to post/ask about these things without me coming over as embittered/controlling. There is a backstory, and bluntly, yes I do have reason to worry about what the children are exposed to, given what has occurred. If you haven't/don't want to read the history it involves alcoholism, substance use, infedility, and sex personals - all on her side. The person she has a relationship with is someone who she met at AA, so will also have had/has problems. I'm trying really hard to stay detached but I worry for the kids.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Oct-11 10:12:29

maby I don't recall you specifically

I usually hate it when people do this, but I do feel that if this were a woman posting about their kids being exposed to an ex's OW where there are clearly issues I think you would have had a more sympathetic (if not fundamentally different) response

Unless you now go on to post a load of woman-hating bollocks (that has happened lots on here, btw) I take your concerns at face value and can only sympathise

incidentally, have you posted any of this on the partners of alcoholics thread ? You are more likely to get replies from people who know all too well the anguish you must be feeling. Have you chatted to snorbs at all ?

maby66 Tue 04-Oct-11 10:24:45

Thanks AF - I don't do woman hating bolleaux, though I'm sad that my marriage has ended the way it has.

I posted in part 2 of the partners of alcoholics thread, back on page 29. I have recieved kind messages from other members but don't recognise snorbs. Since then I have made my peace with myself in accepting the marriage is over, breaking my attachment/co-dependecy issues, and making the best possible environment for me/the kids, who are coping well.

Am I being over protective/fussy, possibly, but I do feel that I have a reasonable basis for it....

AnyFucker Tue 04-Oct-11 10:46:08

All the best, maby

AbbyAbsinthe Tue 04-Oct-11 11:54:21

Fair do's, maby, I haven't read the back story, do you have a link? I couldn't search last night as I was posting from my phone, but would be interested. All that you have mentioned would make me wary too, so I fully sympathise with your worries.

maby66 Tue 04-Oct-11 12:16:35

Abby - here you go: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/752290-SUPPORT-THREAD-FOR-PARTNERS-OF-ADDICTS-PART-2?pg=29&x=14&y=6
I should probably have put more detail in to begin with, and can also see AF's point bearing out a bit in contrast to the thread by 100emotions.

In all of this my thoughts are about the upset/emotional well being of the kids. If this is a long term relationship, then I hope that there is some thought put in to the introduction. If it's not (which is what I was told, and she has been telling others) then how is it going to be handled?

As with most things, she seems to be making it up as she goes along....

AnyFucker Tue 04-Oct-11 12:24:11

I was going to link that thread by 100emotions, maby as an example of what I meant but didn't get around to it in time

and the exP in that situation does not have such worrying issues going on his life either (history of alcohol abuse and the rest, hooking up with similar new OW etc)

AnyFucker Tue 04-Oct-11 12:25:41

btw, maby, that link you made simply goes to the top of the last pg of a very long thread

maby66 Tue 04-Oct-11 12:28:41

Thanks AF - don't know how to link to a single message - my post is towards the bottom, timed at Thu 18-Aug-11 14:03:12

AnyFucker Tue 04-Oct-11 12:36:16

Neither do I, actually, but C+P is an alternative if you wanted to do that

maby66 Tue 04-Oct-11 12:39:29

OK - fair enough smile
Please note - when I wrote this I was still clinging to a hope that we could work things out. That is not the case now.

maby66 Thu 18-Aug-11 14:03:12
Can I ask you to read this and give me some perspective please......

I'm M,44 and got married to my wife in 2000. She is 7 years younger than me, and is also the younger sister of my close friend. We have 2 children, m8 and f9 - soon to be 10. We dated/lived together for around 2 years before marriage. I have a senior position in my company, she has hardly worked apart from the last couple of years.

When my first child was born, I was at the time addicted to online gaming. I didn't do the right thing and was not supportive. My wife has always held this against me, even though that has not been the case for 6/7 years. As a consequence she started to set herself up with a social life separate from me.

We moved house and began to mix with new people from the childrens school. My wife through herself into this and began to see people almost everyday. She also cranked up her drinking level, and I was unhappy about that. I didn't want to go out because of the things that would happen when she was drunk.

This turned into me being a party pooper/not wanting to socialise and she was telling people how I was older than her and not as much fun. So it wasn't great, but not critical yet. No arguments, no problems that impacted the children - but her drinking was getting more out of hand. I was also suffering from work related stress/depression.

Then we get hit by something worse. Her mother was murdered in Jan 2009. I wont go into details but it was bad. My wife pretty much had a breakdown. Self harming, bulimia, cutting herself, hitting her head on the walls and floors. Massive mood swings. All exacerbated by drinking, which to be fair, I was doing also. She had a huge tattoo on her back which she knew I was not happy about. On the day of her mother funeral she said she wanted to have a party to send her off and was doing cocaine with people she invited. I hit the roof, as I saw it as a betrayal of trust by not just her, but the friends that she had done it with/got it from - parents from school - and told them so directly. She apologised eventually, but continued to associate with them.

We got through the trial, but her behaviour continued - it became noticeable to other people, she was drinking during the day and there were times I now know when the children could have been endangered.

She had always fantasised during sex about other people, which I was willing to go along with as a fantasy, but not actually enact. I knew she had "obsessions" with people and would fixate on them. She ended up being unfaithful twice, both times while drunk, both times with other women.

Last year the drinking came to a head and she was admitted to a clinic for a 5 week period of therapy and drying out - I was left to look after the kids. I was resentful to a point as she just decided one day to go - no warning, and just expected me to deal with everything. I also felt (as did others) that for a good part of it she didn't take it seriously, but treated it as a holiday.

She came out and has remained sober ever since, and I believe she has also stayed away from drugs. She had a recovery plan, and was supposed to go to AA/12 steps. She did, but even now, after over a year, she does not have a sponsor, and I don't think she has ever shared.

I began to get the feeling she was using the meetings as a social event. When she came out of the clinic, she had made a lot of noise about whether we should remain married (we had therapy prior to her going in) but she was also told as part of her therapy that she should take things slowly and not rush headlong into decisions. I make a big effort to change my behaviours again, to reflect things she has said, make time for us to be together and so on.

Come to this year and I realise that she is distant, and although we get along without arguments we aren't really connected. Sex is infrequent and seems a chore. To cut a long story short she had started a friendship with one of the dads from school (also married) and although she swore blind they were never physical, she had hidden email accounts. Either with his encouragement or as a next step from her friendship with im, she also set up a profile on an adult site and was messaging men, women and couples and exchanging photos. Again, she swears it never went further. She said she was looking for excitement.

I told her to leave, and she moved out and I stayed in the house with the kids.

We are now 4/5 months down the line. We went to therapy a couple of times, and I was prepared to let her come back if she could commit to trying - weekly sessions, probably seperate beds, total honesty and communication.

She said that she wanted to be on her own for a while, and I said it was a deal breaker, as I couldn't see how she could say she was trying to fix things if she was so fixated on being out of the house - that I felt it would give her license to do what she wanted while having a safety net to fall back into if she didn't like. So we made the separation permanent, and started to talk about divorce.

She has got a new place, and we share the kids. We don't particularly speak, unless it's about the kids - who have coped amazingly well. When we have talked she always comes back to "love you but not in love with you", "want to be alone" and so on. Since coming out of the clinic she has cut herself off from many of her older friends and sought the company of those she has met in AA.

From a bit of reading and family/al anon sessions I have been to, I think she is still feeding an addictive personality - she's just replaced the booze with something else - obsessing about her life/hanging out with other addicts who wont be judgemental/she has got more piercings done and so on - like a mid life crisis.

Today I pressed her on some things and she revealed that she had started a sexual relationship with a man from her AA group older than me. She said there was no physical attraction, she just got some comfort from it. This is after telling everyone around her for the last few years that we were incompatible because I was older than her.

I also feel cheated on her reasoning - she says in one breath that if she missed me she would have tried to make a go of things, while in another admitting that ever since she came out of the clinic she was distancing herself from me.

So where do I go. I'm by nature a "carer" - I know I can't fix the things that are wrong in her, but I'm also caught about not wanting to just give up - especially when I feel the injustice that I don't think she has even tried....

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