It was my birthday a few days ago. I?ve been having a really stressful time at work and even though I could ill afford the day off I decided to sod it and take a day?s leave. This was discussed with DH beforehand. In fact we had quite a lengthy chat about not going out for dinner due to lack of babysitter and the cost of it but I said that it would be nice to go for a lunch offer somewhere inexpensive and have take the opportunity to have some time with DD (2.9) in the afternoon . I had arranged for friends to come over the next day and was feeling pretty positive about things.
Background ? DH is a SAHD but this is not through mutual agreement. He had anxiety issues and was struggling with his job and was in the process of being managed out when he left over a year ago. The whole thing was pretty awful at the time ? the job started to go badly wrong for him, he felt he was being bullied, I had started a new job after ML which was very stressful and highly pressured. At the time I had said that I would give it 6 months but if it wasn?t suitable and I couldn?t get the balance I wanted with DD then I would look for something else. Within days of starting this job, he fessed up that things were going wrong at work. Then there were lies about going to work when he wasn?t turning up. He got himself signed off and didn?t tell me, he instructed a law firm about unfair dismissal, discrimination, bullying without telling me and paid for it out of our joint account, he got put on half pay due to the lengthy periods of time he wasn?t working and didn?t tell me. I was going out of my mind at the time ? I was humiliated on more than one occasion when I called to speak to him and he hadn?t gone in. I knew that they?d all be talking about it when I put the phone down. All the time I had this really stressful new job to try and settle into. I saw that I had no choice but to get my head down and do it as I knew his work wasn?t secure. It isn?t compatible with family life at all and I?ve missed out on lots of DD?s milestones. I would have liked to have had another baby quite soon after DD but that is not on the cards any longer. I carry a lot of hurt and anger around with me because of this.
Sorry ? off topic but to try and give some background and because I started typing and it all just sort if fell out.
Anyway a year or so of struggling and then he finally left the job. I was frantic about our finances and sad that it meant that I had absolutely no choice but to keep going on the treadmill but there was a certain amount of relief that it was over. That was over a year ago and he hasn?t worked since. Initially DD stayed in nursery for a bit while I thought he would try and look for work. He says that he has tried but in all this time one job interview and offer materialised which was unworkable because of the geographical location. He has worked hard looking after DD but I hate the way things have worked out. We did discuss and agree how things would work after kids and this certainly wasn?t it. Anyway, he has made no financial contribution to our household since he left his job. I feel completely alone in managing our finances.
So ? when it came round to my birthday there were some things I needed and we agreed that I?d buy some winter boots. I said that I?d have a look around, choose them and send him a link. The way it turned out, I went and bought them and paid for them myself (not even out of the joint account) and brought them home and told him to put them away until my birthday. The next day my sister was over and I asked him to dig them out to get a second opinion from her. I was fretting about the money side of things and didn?t want to make an expensive mistake. Anyway she liked them so I gave them back and said to put them away but they just got left out and junk mail etc piled on top of them.
Basically on the day of my birthday, I came down to find the boots and a card from him and a card from DD and nothing else. Not even a token gesture of flowers picked from the garden or cheapo chocolates or wine or anything. So I just stood there and thought well after all the pain of the last couple of years, after me paying for EVERYTHING for all of us, working like a loon with no chink of light at the end of the tunnel, no hope of moving on, no baby, fertility issues, ticking body clock and no hope of what he will do with himself, no plan of what he will do, will he EVER go and get a job? Will he keep a job? Will I have to be a parent to him for the rest of my life? Will he ever know what happens with our bank accounts or how and when the bills get paid? After all of this, all I?m worth is something I went and got and paid for myself with no thought from him. I felt really hurt and even more so when it became apparent that he had not planned lunch or made any arrangements at all for the rare day off that I?d managed to book. We ended up rowing. Had an absolutely awful day.
My mum texted me but didn?t bother calling. Her card arrived a day late. Silly really but that was just about the final nail in the coffin.
I hate birthdays ? I think this one has hit me so hard because I kept the faith and believed that he would get himself sorted, get a plan, a job. And bang another year has gone by and nothing has happened. I stress about our finances while he doesn?t seem bothered. I stay awake stressing about work and don?t have a waking moment of peace in my day. He has been thinking about retraining as a teacher ? last night after this most horrid of weekends he landed the final blow by telling me that he is almost decided about applying and if he does he will get enrolled by September 2012 and trained by 2013. I could cry ? I just went and sat in the dark and sobbed for an hour. At no point is any of this couched in terms of how this will be managed or how we will pay for childcare and tuition fees. I?ve worked so hard to finally clear my student debt and get debt free save for the mortgage and I just feel depressed that this will lead us back into debt and he gives me no confidence that he will stick with it and 2 more years of me as sole breadwinner. And no baby. No baby. I?m not even happy for my friends when they?re pregnant ? of course I tell them that I am but it hurts so much, it makes me want to gasp for air.
I?m so sorry this is so long and so off topic. Am I being immature and silly to feel like this is a slap in the face. I felt so low the last few days I couldn?t get my words out without my voice cracking. DD has seen me crying and it isn?t fair on her. I know it isn?t really about a present ? it?s just wanting to be looked after and thought about for once. Everyone just assumes I?ll always cope and will get on with it regardless. My mum probably didn?t think for a moment I?d be hurt by her not calling me. Is it just me or do other people end up feeling absolutely wretched on their birthday too?
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Am I being immature and stupid about this and if so why do I feel so hurt? (long - so so sorry)
possiblyinthewrong · 03/10/2011 16:42
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