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Is there anyone out there who is really happy and has been together years - do you work hard at your relationship or does it come naturally.

(35 Posts)
CrazyBabies Mon 03-Oct-11 16:23:27

I love my hubby of 15 years so much. We had a discussion at the weekend at a wedding. It went like this:
I said that I really don't know any one who has been married for 15 years or the like, who is really happy in their relationship, and that one has to work hard to make a relatonship work and be good.(We don't have any freinds that have been together for more than 10 years and most of our friends are either single or not happy in their relationships!)
He obviously didn't agree!!!!!
We have had ups and downs over the years, the usual marriage probs probably, having babies, sleepless nights, our second child was stillborn, we have 2 special needs kids too! no money in the early days.
I am tidy and him messy which has caused many an arguement, and also the, what I would say was, the inbalance of sharing household duties when we both work.
I personally work hard at the relationship, and let him do all the hobbies that he wants to do, I think I am a prettyeasy going good wife.
I don't think any relationship naturally happens to be 100% successful without working at it. I must add, I think I work harder!!!!
Although i must say he his probably more lovey dovey, but I think that comes from me getting fed up with him more that often, not doing/forgetting to do things like little jobs around the house.....which has become a very long list now.
Yes - feeling a bit mony today.

Hullygully Mon 03-Oct-11 16:25:23

It helps if you're basically compatible, but yes, I think "work" in the sense of kindness, consideration, respect and friendship, is essential.

And big presents.

pandorasbox21 Mon 03-Oct-11 16:29:01

Only been married 7 but yeah we are very happy. I think it comes from outside things though eg we have lots of support, time to ourselves and as a couple without kids, outside interests etc.

I think without that it makes it a lot harder so if there is any chance of takig it in turns to do stuff do you do stuff for yourself? Have lots of time off and time with your friends etc? I think that makes the biggest difference tbh. Set up some kind of rota so you both haave time to do fun stuff, then your time together is less stressful and more fun.

KatieScarlett2833 Mon 03-Oct-11 16:29:16

Been with DH 17 years.

I love him today. Loved him yesterday and the day before..

Tomorrow, who knows? But I know I'll love him again even if he majorly pisses me off tomorrow, once I've calmed down.

Not so much work as acceptance and perspective here IYSWIM?

usualsuspect Mon 03-Oct-11 16:29:24

I think after being together after 30 odd years we must be doing something right

We don't actually work at our relationship though ,we just get along

ginmakesitallok Mon 03-Oct-11 16:33:18

We've been together 18 years- and like usual suspect says we don't work at it as such - we just generally like each other and put up with any bad bits. We did come close to splitting up about 12 years ago - he was working away and it was tough. But we didn't have any big fall out or anything like that. Eventually we couldn't agree who would tell his mum that we were splitting, so stayed together, he moved back and things are great. Can't imagine life without him

RedRubyBlue Mon 03-Oct-11 16:38:00

Been with DP for few years. We are basically very compatible in our ways. We both like the house tidy, neither of us are jealous or argumentative, we come from similar backgrounds and share interests and eat the same things etc etc.

We share a good social life but we do have plenty of time seeing friends independantly.

We rub along very well and I don't think either of us particularly 'work' at it.

I shall ask him tonight!

GinSlinger Mon 03-Oct-11 17:02:48

We've been married for nearly 35 years and we've both, at various times, worked at it. On the whole we like each other as well as love each other. We;'ve been lucky in that when one of us has been going through a bad time the other has been able to be supportive. I remember some good old rows when we were students with a baby that didn't know what sleep was but we got through it.

Pakdooik Mon 03-Oct-11 17:22:21

We've been married for 30 years. Sometimes it's the easiest thing in the world and sometimes it's really, really hard work. Now that we are empty nesters, it's easier than it's been for ages.

h2ohno Mon 03-Oct-11 17:38:55

We have been married for 16 years and are very happy. Have had ups and downs like most, but i would marry him again tomorrow if i had to. Marriage is a partnership and if both partners feel loved and respected equally then the rest should follow naturally.

Gay40 Mon 03-Oct-11 17:42:21

I think it should be a little bit of hard work, as complacency is the death knoll for relationships. But by hard work I mean paying attention to the needs of your partner, putting them before you when it's that sort of time, remembering why you like being together and investing in "child-free" time.

HotBurrito1 Mon 03-Oct-11 17:57:01

We've been married for 15 years and are very happy. We are very well suited in terms of backgrounds temperament interests and sense of humour. I really don't think we have to 'work' at it per se. The main thing for us is we are a unit of two and all challenges (and there are many!) are met as such. I think we have got much better at being married as we have gone along, and we can now both laugh at each other's annoying habits smile

PattySimcox Mon 03-Oct-11 19:03:18

Within our close friends there are five couples who have all been together for 15 plus years.

If you listed mine and DHs personality / interests / viewpoints then you would have two opposites, and no-one would put us together - even friends say that on paper we are incompatible.

But we are in the main very happy - we rarely argue, respect each others views even though we may disagree with them, find an agreeable compromise on things that we don't agree on, negotiate and work hard to make each other, and our children, happy.

Equally we have friends who are very compatible but argue and bicker and often state how unhappy they are but feel that there is no way out for them sad

eaglewings Mon 03-Oct-11 19:09:31

Been married 17 years, had our fair share of arguments and troubles but I'd marry him again tomorrow.

Keys for us are
Not taking each other for granted
Having time on our own such as lunch out today
Planning family time and fun time into the diary
Not taking ourselves too seriously
Remembering to say thank you and I Love You

I could do better Im sure, thankfully we have friends who have been married for longer including his patents.

Ormirian Mon 03-Oct-11 19:13:47

Trying to remember that your partner is just another human being who needs consideration, tolerance and affection is hugely important. When we've had bad times I've tended to think about DH as 'Him' - as he was some monolithic unchanging archetype of Bad Husband. When in fact he was just being a normal human being who isn't perfect married to another imperfect human being.

Also don't think your partner can supply all your needs. That's impossible and not really all that healthy IME.

I am aware that we don't have a Picture Book marriage but it isn't out of Grimm's Fairy Tales either.

When I need him he's there. Vice versa. And when I try to think of anyone else being in his place I feel quite horrified.

CrazyBabies Mon 03-Oct-11 19:21:12

Thank you for all happy stories.
We have been married for 15 years and for the majority have been really happy. I personally think you have to work through the bad times - luckily there haven't been many. But really don't know many people who are married for 15 years, let alone happily married. The majority of my friends are single!!!!!
So it's really good to hear from you.
I knew he was the one the first time I met him, and still feel the same way.
Life just sometimes gets on top of mesad - i can be a bit anxious at times about silly things, and a bit hormonal at the mo.

Ormirian Mon 03-Oct-11 19:22:33

crazy - we can feel like freaks and dinosaurs! But it works for some people. I couldn't imagine life with anyone else.

choirmum Mon 03-Oct-11 19:27:49

I was at a funeral this morning for a lady who had been married for 68 years. The eulogy her husband gave was one of the most moving things I've ever heard. He said they'd had 68 years of romance and courtship, and I'd never seen them together NOT holding hands! Incredible, and they must have had some tough times through the years (11 children as well!!)

Bunbaker Mon 03-Oct-11 19:36:02

OH and I celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary this year. We don't "work" at our relationship, or I would say it doesn't feel like work. We love and respect each other and are considerate towards each other. I don't find it hard work to be respectful or considerate as it is in my nature to do so anyway.

We also trust each other completely and have the same values.

Malificence Mon 03-Oct-11 19:44:39

A tiny bit of effort goes a long long way ime.
I've known DH for 30 years, we've been together for 28 and married for over 26, it's easy during the child rearing years to let your couple relationship slide and take one another for granted, combine that with opposite shifts /working away and it can get very hard to keep the intimacy.
I feel very blessed to have such a strong and close marriage, he really does supply all that I need in life, which means I would be well and truly stuffed if he should die but I'm willing to take the risk.

Ask me again when I've had a month of him immobile in the house after his upcoming surgery , playing nurse might get very old, very fast. wink

We've been together 24 years, married for almost 14 of them. I think we worked at it more in the beginning, we'd pretty much knocked the corners off each other by the time we decided to have children and get married. I think it helps that we're both pretty laid back people smile We also both had parents with pretty abysmal relationships - his parents acted as if they hated each other, my father was fairly abusive, and we're both very aware of how not to behave to each other.

kunahero Mon 03-Oct-11 19:47:51

Dw and I have been married for 11 years and we are very happy. Not always been that way and its been hard work but its been worth it, very worth it. I love her more and more every day.
We make each other laugh everyday. We talk constantly about what we want, need and expect from each other and compromise wherever we need to.
My first marraige fell apart as exdw and I didnt talk, we took each other for granted and just didnt bother to make it work.
I would do anything to keep my marriage going.
My wife and children are everything to me and give me more pleasure than almost anything.... except man city beating utd....... smile

WhoremoaneeGrainger Mon 03-Oct-11 20:10:00

Been together 19 years next month, been married 18 in January. We have had some really tough times over the years, both financially and emotionally, but i said when we first decided to get married i would live with him in cardboard city if i had to. I meant it then and i would say the same thing now. He is not just my hubby, but my best friend, my confidante(sp), my lover, my soul mate.

I dont know what i do without him in my life. There are days when i think he is the biggest shit god put on this planet, mind, but i couldnt imagine living my life without him. I wouldnt want to. We didnt live together before we got married, both went from living at home with mum and dad, to being married. We straightened each other out on a few things those early years, but we have had a fantastic time, and we have more fab times ahead of us.

I am just glad he feels the same way about me grin

HardCheese Mon 03-Oct-11 20:11:54

Could someone define what they mean by 'work' in this context? I've been with my partner for almost twenty years, and I absolutely adore him, but I'm not sure I've ever felt I've 'worked' at the relationship.

ggirl Mon 03-Oct-11 20:19:28

Been together for 27 yrs.

Very happy , and if by 'work' you mean compromise then yes we both do that. I think if you don't it makes getting along much harder

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