I've been with my husband for more than 20 years and we have two dds (2 and 7). We've had our ups and downs. In the first years together he would regularly binge drink and self-harm but prior to our marriage he quit drinking and everything seemed great. Unfortunately, I maybe didn't have long enough with a sober partner before the wedding to realise that he was capable of being a sober s**t too.
He had some angry moments here and there in the first few years of marriage but it was mostly happy (and we rarely argued) until we had kids. He seems to struggle with how to be a parent (having had a pretty lousy childhood with a very abusive father). He can be great with kids and sees himself as a good father (I thought he'd be a great one) but he has done very little of the day-to-day care of the kids and is increasingly critical of them. He has always had a go at me on occasion, saying how unhappy I make him and threatening divorce (it is his default argument tactic!). I cannot have rational discussions with him.
Yesterday really seems to have been the tipping point for me. About ten weeks ago, he admitted that he was depressed and finally got some treatment (pills) and is on a list for therapy too. However, his prescription ran out a few weeks ago and he felt good enough to stop the pills. I knew that this was a bad idea and I challenged this (as treatment courses are usually longer) but he said that the therapist who had evaluated him had said that he just needed a talking therapy as he had mild depression. The pills really seemed to take an edge off his mood swings and he seemed to be able to have perspective about what was a big issue and what wasn't. Maybe it was my imagination but it seemed to turn him into a normal person!
Anyways, yesterday our older daughter had a time trial at swim club. She'd had a disappointing one last week and my husband had had a real go at her after that, saying she was a quitter and didn't try her best (she's 7 and a great swimmer, ffs, what more does he want). This was when I first challenged him about the pills and said that I'd noticed his mood was shifting again. Yesterday, her times were really poor (we had encouraged that any improvement would have been great but they were all much slower), and when we got home and told him the times he went mental; we had to tell him as we knew the times would get posted online eventually. He calmed down enough to go to a social commitment with all of us but just before bed last night he started a conversation with me and it turned into a rant about my bad parenting skills, how I am too soft etc. How we can't possibly parent effectively as our styles are so opposing, he threw a spectacle case at me (I have a bruise on my chest this morning) and threatened that he wanted to hit me. This morning DD said that he had grabbed her shirt just under her neck and shaken her. I didn't see this but don't doubt her as he is aggressive. He also yelled at her that she was a disappointment, useless etc. The worst thing about this is this is how his dad used to act (and worse) and he hates his dad for it and doesn't want to be like his dad and has fallen out in recent months with most of his other relatives over their failure to act to prevent the abuse by his father (irony, irony).
The ultimate trigger for these mood swings is usually work stress (he drinks when on work trips away and was on a trip last week) and then he turns it around to blame other sources - almost always me and the kids but sometimes his family or my family. Last night he said he wanted a trial separation. I always greet these demands with a shrug and a 'whatever'. He ALWAYS backs down within a week and admits to not wanting to break up. The thing is I really hate him now (there is a lot more - he purposefully fell out with some of our (my) best friends and alienated me from them a few years ago - that was the start of the real downward spiral). I know I am rambling - there is too much to my story but I think the gist is now that the kids are being affected, esp my older DD, I can't stand by and not act.
Like most posters, I think I know what I need to do but just want your thoughts and wanted to vent somewhere anonymous though for the first time I think I am going to talk to friends about this as I think that will make my options more real.
I would love him to disappear from my life forever but unfortunately given the kids that isn't going to happen! He is playing the I'm not interested in my annoying kids card at the moment but if there was a sniff of a possibility that access would be denied he would be on the warpath.
Sorry for the long post!!!
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Controlling abusive partner - thought he was 'on the mend' but showed his true colours again
27 replies
anotherfineday · 03/10/2011 15:51
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.