I've been with my husband for more than 20 years and we have two dds (2 and 7). We've had our ups and downs. In the first years together he would regularly binge drink and self-harm but prior to our marriage he quit drinking and everything seemed great. Unfortunately, I maybe didn't have long enough with a sober partner before the wedding to realise that he was capable of being a sober s**t too.
He had some angry moments here and there in the first few years of marriage but it was mostly happy (and we rarely argued) until we had kids. He seems to struggle with how to be a parent (having had a pretty lousy childhood with a very abusive father). He can be great with kids and sees himself as a good father (I thought he'd be a great one) but he has done very little of the day-to-day care of the kids and is increasingly critical of them. He has always had a go at me on occasion, saying how unhappy I make him and threatening divorce (it is his default argument tactic!). I cannot have rational discussions with him.
Yesterday really seems to have been the tipping point for me. About ten weeks ago, he admitted that he was depressed and finally got some treatment (pills) and is on a list for therapy too. However, his prescription ran out a few weeks ago and he felt good enough to stop the pills. I knew that this was a bad idea and I challenged this (as treatment courses are usually longer) but he said that the therapist who had evaluated him had said that he just needed a talking therapy as he had mild depression. The pills really seemed to take an edge off his mood swings and he seemed to be able to have perspective about what was a big issue and what wasn't. Maybe it was my imagination but it seemed to turn him into a normal person!
Anyways, yesterday our older daughter had a time trial at swim club. She'd had a disappointing one last week and my husband had had a real go at her after that, saying she was a quitter and didn't try her best (she's 7 and a great swimmer, ffs, what more does he want). This was when I first challenged him about the pills and said that I'd noticed his mood was shifting again. Yesterday, her times were really poor (we had encouraged that any improvement would have been great but they were all much slower), and when we got home and told him the times he went mental; we had to tell him as we knew the times would get posted online eventually. He calmed down enough to go to a social commitment with all of us but just before bed last night he started a conversation with me and it turned into a rant about my bad parenting skills, how I am too soft etc. How we can't possibly parent effectively as our styles are so opposing, he threw a spectacle case at me (I have a bruise on my chest this morning) and threatened that he wanted to hit me. This morning DD said that he had grabbed her shirt just under her neck and shaken her. I didn't see this but don't doubt her as he is aggressive. He also yelled at her that she was a disappointment, useless etc. The worst thing about this is this is how his dad used to act (and worse) and he hates his dad for it and doesn't want to be like his dad and has fallen out in recent months with most of his other relatives over their failure to act to prevent the abuse by his father (irony, irony).
The ultimate trigger for these mood swings is usually work stress (he drinks when on work trips away and was on a trip last week) and then he turns it around to blame other sources - almost always me and the kids but sometimes his family or my family. Last night he said he wanted a trial separation. I always greet these demands with a shrug and a 'whatever'. He ALWAYS backs down within a week and admits to not wanting to break up. The thing is I really hate him now (there is a lot more - he purposefully fell out with some of our (my) best friends and alienated me from them a few years ago - that was the start of the real downward spiral). I know I am rambling - there is too much to my story but I think the gist is now that the kids are being affected, esp my older DD, I can't stand by and not act.
Like most posters, I think I know what I need to do but just want your thoughts and wanted to vent somewhere anonymous though for the first time I think I am going to talk to friends about this as I think that will make my options more real.
I would love him to disappear from my life forever but unfortunately given the kids that isn't going to happen! He is playing the I'm not interested in my annoying kids card at the moment but if there was a sniff of a possibility that access would be denied he would be on the warpath.
Sorry for the long post!!!
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Relationships
Controlling abusive partner - thought he was 'on the mend' but showed his true colours again
anotherfineday · 03/10/2011 15:51
First off, I'm sorry you're going through this. You sound very together, rational and objective, but it's got to hurt like hell. 
You're right. There is only one thing to do, but I totally understand that knowing that and making it happen are two very different things and that you need time to digest all this and plan your response.
My advice, when you're ready, is to involve social services. I did this when I left my ex and had concerns about his physical mistreatment of my DS. Because I had left and they could see that I was doing my best to protect my DS, they were extremely supportive. They didn't get involved on a day-to-day basis and pretty much left it to me to handle it as I saw best fit, but they kept everything on record and said that should I need to go to court to prevent my XP from having unsupervised access to DC (or even going for residency if anything happened to me) they could step in and do their utmost to prevent it. Their opinion carries significant weight in the family courts so it's worth having them on side.
I also contacted the police and reported the assault. He was cautioned. You don't have to press charges if you don't want to (though I would, as it shows zero tolerance and much reduces the likelihood of him doing anythign similar again). Again, having it on record gives you the upper hand if you have to go to court.
I kept most of this quiet until I had everything in place to get a residency order if I needed to, then when my XP tried to cause trouble, I hit him with it. He crawled under a stone and has meekly accepted whatever rules I have laid down since and, as an even better bonus, because I have used the authorities to stamp my own control on the situation, he has stopped bothering/interfering in my life in other ways too.
Don't rely on appealing to an abuser's better nature. They don't have one (though you undoubtedly see many crocodile tears, contrition and promises of change that will tug at even the most resolute heart-strings).
Good luck.
It is a shame that you don't think you deserve better than to be treated like this!
You do. Your girls do to. The last thing you want is for them to end up in a relationship like this I am sure. Yet this is what you are showing them relationships should be like.
He started shouting at your daughter, putting her down, and belittling her accomplishments. She sounds fantastic for a 7 year old swimmer! No one should be anything but proud!! He has moved on from this and he is starting to assault your DD. This is unacceptable and just like he has will you I imagine it will escalate further with both of you
If you can't stomach going to the police please go to the Dr and get some photos of the bruises. Also let the Dr know he has stopped taking his meds.
Have you thought about taking your diary to the Dr?
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