Inspired by alias' thread - I commented there about a former partner under my usual name. The whole relationship still bothers me and I wondered if talking here might help.
I've always wondered whether my ex might not fit this category. When we met he was incredibly charming, personable and generous and quickly seemed very into me. He was estranged from his parents and sister over an argument with gps (who he was in touch with) and didn't seem very bothered about this.
He was incredibly intelligent (tough Oxbridge phd on full scholarship) and while we were dating got a job with a notorious management consultancy and the money that goes with that.
He was very sexually adventurous (whereas I was fairly naive) and over a period of about 6 months escalated through S&M games through to photos on the internet, advertising for other couples and taking me to sex clubs. I didn't really (really didn't?) enjoy this but had tremendous self esteem issues and I wanted to please him.
For the second year of our relationship I lived abroad. He cheated on me halfway through with a colleague and whilst apologising, managed to get me to agree to an 'open relationship'. I developed a serious eating disorder and had a manic period where I made very unsuitable choices - I honestly believe that had it not been for this toxic relationship I would not have got this bad.
He eventually suggested that I see a psychiatrist. In fact, he suggested one he had slept with while we were dating.
Does this sound psychopathic, or just fuck witted? Does it even matter?
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Relationships
Have you ever been in a relationship with/close to someone you thought was a psychopath?
TemporaryMary · 03/10/2011 08:24
Yes, my ex. He was warm, open, charming when we met and I was miserable in my relationship and probably close to a breakdown. Had an instant connection and attachment and were talking about love and marriage within days. His (apparent) vulnerability and willingness to support my decisions (which I think now he was subtly influencing) were a big factor in trusting him.
He was very intelligent as well as very open and it was quite a combination for me. I thought he was The One. There was an early indication of what was to come but I let it go, and things were ok till I moved in with him (although the night before we were at a wedding and he accused me of fancying someone else and went in a mood).
There was a momentum about things that I had no desire to stop, so when he started to become moody, controlling and jealous I just saw it as something to challenge and deal with, after all we were a couple and could work it out 
During the course of the relationship he (just a selection) :
Walked out in the middle of the night and when I protested, said that it was "self-protection" and that I was "relentless". This was a week after moving in and I was in a strange town and totally isolated.
Heaped verbal abuse on me
"Affectionately" called me "bitch"
Called me mental
Undermined me
Isolated me
Physically assaulted me.
Regularly threatened me with homelessness when we lived together. If he didn't like how I late I'd slept, for example, he would say I was lazy and order me to start packing.
Manipulated me
Minimised the abuse and said I was to blame
Played the victim very effectively to defuse my anger.
Twisted things I said
Gaslighted me
"Forgot" things he had done to me so could deny them.
Constantly used his past as justification for his behaviour, so that I automatically said that I was sick of being the scapegoat for his anger (thereby accepting that the anger was justified)
Left me when our DD was 8 months for a woman who he was later convicted of assaulting, leading to DV programme. I took him back (I know, I know)
The DV programme was instrumental in making me see that the relationship could never have a future, and that he would never change. I dumped him a few months ago. I'm still working through it.
He has such a convincing public face, so charming, so warm, so affable, that in contrast to the real him...I would not be surprised if he was a psychopath.
Yes, I did - 9 months with a textbook psychopath. It was a few years ago now but I'm still suffering the fallout. Actually I posted on mumsnet at the time under a different name, when things were starting to get bad but not really bad, everyone told me to drop him and run, but I didn't 
The thing about psychopaths is that they usually appear in society as conmen, habitual liars and manipulators. My ex was of this type. He extorted money by a two-pronged rouse of a) his business being in trouble and b) him being treated for cancer. He pretended he was in hospital while he was actually abroad with another woman, paid for by my money.
He lied and gaslighted all the time. Said he was out when he was in. Gave me fake phone numbers. Denied knowing things/people or being places when he did/was. Very passive aggressive eg pretended to take an overdose of pills when I tried to break up with him; drove like a maniac if I was in the car with him. And, as well as all that, he just didn't care about me or feel attracted to me. He'd pretend to be asleep when I got into bed. I'd arrange nights out and he'd make up stories for why he couldn't go. Never introduced me to family or friends. We'd only ever talk about him, or smalltalk. He never asked me one question about myself, my life or my experiences/opinions except once, when I pulled him up on it, and he said, "OK....what's your favourite colour?"
Re. the fake cancer treatment, he told me all about it, about his op, who was in his ward with him and the conversations he had with them, the food they were served. All lies. Terrifying. I often wonder whom he's dating now and worry for them.
When my grandmother died (she raised me, which he knew, so a very big deal) he came round a couple of hours after I'd heard and I told him. He didn't offer any condolences, he just asked me if it was ok for him to smoke in my room. I think that sums it up. Psychopaths are not interested in people except as tools to help them achieve their own ends. They lack empathy, compassion. I've read a lot about them since my own experience, people think I'm being dramatic when I say my ex was a psychopath, when people hear that word they think of Hannibal Lecter. Yes there are plenty of violent psychopaths out there but there are ten times as many non-violent psychopaths.
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sorry Rufus he did...missed that post!
Lots of common flags though...wanting marriage kids within 24 hrs. Most intelligent in good jobs where does the money go? conning money, in lots of debt, very sexually active...ok to much hence all the sleeping around, no empathy...by brother died and one of the reasons he walked as he put it in letter was because i was depressed...no say sherlock! Treat people like 'it' that was ex pet name for ds! Just objects...then gaslighting, projection, delusions paranoid or godly or a rockstar lol and sayig it is the other person has mental health issues...leave not only devestation behind but years later the victim in it is still frightened shaken...that is if the victim is able to escape.
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